The Weekend Roundup: Mr. Bob Takes a Holiday…and the First Hint of The Wackers News to Come!

Well, not really a holiday…just a few days off to take care of a pile of things I’ve neglected while sitting in front of the craptop and 2-finger typing my way into literary poverty. This column should be up early Thursday morning, and then you’re going to get 2 ‘best of’ columns before I return on Friday, April 29^th. This Friday is Good Friday, which leads into Easter weekend, a holiday usually celebrated with a turkey or ham, brightly coloured eggs, (hard-boil them first, don’t learn the hard way like I did), chocolate bunnies (I saw a chocolate Thor at the Metro yesterday…Fox and Marvel are really milking this film), and a trip to Church. Kinda like Christmas without the presents. This year, Easter dinner might not be quite up to speed. Money is tight and the only turkey and ham in this house…is me.

Beside celebrating Easter, Jade and I will begin our first annual Spring House Cleaning, something we should have been doing for years, but chose not to because of a not-so-rare mental disorder we share called houseworkitis. The kitties have refused to take part, even though we sometimes have to search through the debris for them, and friends that have helped in the past are wise to us being ‘called away’ at the last minute while they do the work.  We can no longer afford to ignore the mess, as the production people from Hoarders have been looking through the front window for the last couple of weeks, and they are starting to make me nervous. Somewhere in here, there are socks and a clean shirt, a couple of  remotes, and a left shoe I’ll need when the weather warms up. I’m pretty sure I know where the right one is.  Then there are meetings and errands, and other out-of-house experiences I have been putting off for months, due to the amount of time I sit here in my underwear wracking my brain to bring you the best in written entertainment, something I love doing mainly because it doesn’t involve any housework or manual labour.

At any rate, I will not be absent until a week from Friday without leaving you some diversions to get you through Easter weekend, and maybe through next week if the ‘Best of’ columns aren’t enough for you.

A Tip…

Next time you’re in a supermarket look for a bag of “Smartfood Sweet and Salty” popcorn snacks. They should have called it Candy Crack…would have been much closer to the truth. I may use these little puffs of pleasure to quit smoking…as long as the sugar content doesn’t rile up the type 2 diabetes.

A Surprisingly Entertaining Movie…

I’m Number Four: I was told by every review I read that this was a piece of crap. It isn’t. In fact, it has some seriously wicked action sequences in it and a couple of really cool twists. I can see how the people who shit all over it reached their decisions, though. It does share a couple of annoying things with the Twilight series, but there is a refreshing lack of mopey teens and it has an actual plot. There are, however, action-stopping teen romance interruptions, dickhead jocks, and some telegraphed dramatic setups that are so well delivered on later in the movie that I forgive them. As most teen exploitation films continue to suck the blood out of the vampire/werewolf/supernatural genre, this one brings a sci-fi bent to the proceedings (think The Faculty) that works far better. The dreamy lead alien brings in the girls, the special effects (not bad at all for something done on the cheap compared to more adult sci-fi fare these days) brings in the boys, and the well choreographed fight and action sequences hook guys like me who will sit through Tom Cruise squinting, Dakota Fanning whining, and idiot teen emo in order to watch 3 legged aliens pilot those awesome Tripod ships that can turn people into dust, yet leave their Nikes and Levis intact. The other difference that separates this flick from the Twilight-y parade of sullen teensploitation films is the presence of lead actors and actresses that are at least easy to look at. The female leads are smokin’ hot, and the males don’t look like sad gay boys whose interest in hair products, buffness, and preening, far outweighs their ability to look even mildly interested in the homely, dour girls who drool on them for the length of the movies. If you’re looking for Shakespeare, meaning, or anything remotely close to intellectual pretentiousness, go suffer through the carefully calculated-for-Oscar-consideration The Kings Speech. That would be me snoring next to you in the aisle seat. You can call I’m Number Four predictable, low brow, and silly, but even so, it has laughs, scares, story, and some cool eye candy that is far more entertaining than a hard slog through another overwrought attempt to be ‘edgy’ or ‘important’, or ‘smart’. If the team that put IN4 together ARE smart, they’ll mature this potential franchise as they go along ala Harry Potter, upping the stakes and the budgets as they roll out the epic story. Of course, asking Hollywood to act smart is like asking a cat to bring you a beer…probably ain’t gonna happen. Is this for rent? Rent it. Is it on PPV or Netflix? Watch it. Otherwise, Google the torrent sites until you find it, download it, and if you like it, spread the word. Caution: Contains the cutest Beagle puppy since Captain Archer’s pet on Enterprise.

STONES!…

At one time or another we all want to look behind the curtain and see what our heroes are really like. We also love sex, or drugs, or rock and roll, or all of the above. This documentary (called ‘fiction’ in a disclaimer at the beginning of the movie) serves up healthy doses of all three, and has been the subject of controversy, and conjecture ever since word of its existence first became public knowledge.  Is it fiction, the Stones ‘acting’ the part of the Rolling Stones? Or is it what it appears to be…a home movie of their heroes by two fans who probably still have every ticket stub to every rock concert they’ve ever been to. It doesn’t really matter. There are some stellar performances included here, some telling, seemingly honest insight, and scads of borderline (Who am I kidding, full blown, frontal nudity/naughty bits/stroke book worthy) pornographic behavior and drug fueled silliness that would be hard to believe if you didn’t live during the era it so perfectly captures. Back when the Stones still stayed in regular hotel rooms instead of the palatial suites they hole up in these days, and years before AIDS took all the fun out of promiscuity. Just click on the link, the whole film will run in segments after you do. Caution: If you have kids, make sure they’re parked in front of the Wii when you watch and listen to this thing, otherwise, you’re going to have lots of ‘splainin’ to do.  Cocksucker Blues

Television…

Archer: If you haven’t watched this, you owe it to yourself to have a look. It is the funniest animated show on television. On the surface an ‘American Dad’ take on James Bond, under the surface, one of the best written and delivered collections of scripts ever greenlit by a television network. If you can’t find it on TV, download it from EZTV, rent the DVDs (if they exist), and join in the fun. Not for kids by a long shot. I liked it so much I have promised myself to by the complete series if and when it is ever released for sale. Thank you, Internet, for letting me access another great entertainment The Man doesn’t want me to see. Caution: You will have erotic daydreams about at least one of the characters. Consult your local therapist.

The Event: Easily the most riveting action/suspense series on TV since 24. Fast moving, full of twists and turns, and the good guys become bad guys and vice versa with surprising frequency. A great storyline, well cast actors, and movie worthy special effects. Of all the attempts that have failed miserably at doing this sort of thing (Fast Forward, V, Threshold, Invasion, etc) The Event succeeds at hitting every mark, and sets up questions it answers quickly, only to replace them with new ones. Fanboy haters diss this show because it is so good, the general public will probably ignore it until it gets replaced by another reality show or a popular piece of pretty but hollow assembly line junk like Hawaii 5 O, but hopefully those of us who love and understand this genre (covert alien invasion) will keep this puppy on the air until they decide to wrap it up. You can find the entire run so far on the Internet (*cough* EZTV *cough*) and then keep up with it on television if you still have one. Caution: Contains the dumbest black President in the history of fictional black Presidents. If there’s a wrong move to be made, he makes it, to the point of me hoping he gets taken out before I lose control and throw an ashtray at the TV when he makes an entrance.

Fringe: Exactly what I said about The Event, only the genre (alternative universe) is different, and I have no idea if the President(s) are black OR dumb. Becoming better than its nearest relative (the X-Files, which, in an early episode, Fringe Division is alluded to as being an offshoot of that earlier covert FBI department) and has the potential to actually succeed in televisions dreaded Friday Night Death Slot where other great shows (Firefly, Dollhouse, Good Guys) have failed. Catch up on the internet or at the DVD store (do they still have those?) then tune in for May Sweeps. Caution: Can be confusing if you don’t pay attention. There are two of damn near every character.

CHAOS: The new A Team. This is a funny, likable cast and plots loaded with cool twists. CHAOS are a special ops CIA team headed up by Kirkwood Smith (Red) from That ‘70s show and starring Freddie Rodriguez from 6 Feet Under. That’s all you need to know. Early in the run, so you can catch the first 3 episodes on the Internet, then tune in on TV next week. Caution: Hot CIA babes may cause you to forget the plot lines once in a while.

Smallville: Don’t blame yourself for missing the 10 years worth of shows this series has racked up since it started. It was a freak of the week teen potboiler when it began and still has elements from its origins cluttering up the landscape occasionally. That said, these are the BEST versions of Clark, Lois, and Lex Luthor that have ever, ever been committed to screen, large or small. That Warner Brothers just didn’t port this mythos and these actors over to their re-launch of the Superman movie franchise is even harder to understand than the point of Suckerpunch or the popularity of Ryan Seacrest.  Do not miss the last 3 episodes of Smallville and the 2 hour finale movie coming up later this month and in May. See Clark Kent as he was meant to be before the next movie probably turns him back into the old Christopher Reeve/Richard Donner version, a sissified, milquetoast,  Eagle Scout with abandonment issues. Caution: This Lois Lane (Erica Durance) makes all the other Lois Lanes look like a wheel of chedder. Prepare to be disappointed by whoever plays her in the movie.

Norm McDonald’s Sports Show: Norm takes the world of sports and turns it on its ear. I haven’t laughed this much about sports since the last time somebody told me the Leafs were going to win the Stanley Steamer, or Cup, or whatever it is. Caution: Makes all other sports shows seem self absorbed, dull, and overly serious, academic, and analytical. Puts the ‘fun’ back in ‘fundementals’.

Music…

Ready…Set…GOOGLE!

The Beauties: Track down the CD, see The Beauties at the Dakota Tavern in Toronto on Sundays (with the possible exception of Easter Sunday) before they start touring again, and get ready to brag about seeing them before they got huge to your less-than-hip friends.

Harlan Pepper: Tread the Same great waters as the aforementioned Beauties. See them now before they break out. A triple bill with Harlan, The Beauties, and Lee Harvey Osmond should be put together by someone before the end of the summer. The roots movement so loved around the world and initiated by Canadian band, The Band, looks ready to become as mainstream asGaGa and Nickelback, only with music.

Jumple: Holding down a new residency at The Winchester Tavern onParliament Street inToronto, this Bar mitzvah Band on acid is a guarantee of good times and fine music with an Eastern European flavour and Dr. Seuss visuals. Vodka shots and cold pints will turn this into a 3D experience unlike any other. See them on You Tube if you can’t see them live.

Courage My Love: Kitchener’s finest, they have an all ages show at the Hard Luck on Dundas Street in Toronto tonight (Thursday, April 21, 2011) that you should attend if you’re in town. These three 17 year olds may hold the future of modern rock in their capable and  talented little hands. As I have said before, check them out on You Tube and live before only nose bleed seats are available in arenas and festivals in the years to come.

Rival Sons: Buy the CD, check ‘em out on the net, and see them live. (check out their tour dates on their website). If you like classic rock, you will be beside yourself with glee when you discover that these guys are bringing NEW music to the classic pantheon. Hardest rocking band with a charismatic lead singer since Led Zeppelin.

Research Turtles: I want to see a double bill with Research Turtles and Courage My Love sometime this year. My two favourite young bands playing original material as good as any veteran rockers have ever delivered. Both have EPs in the offing before the beginning of summer.Lake CharlesLouisiana should be proud of these lads.

Time Wasting Nostalgia and Silly Fun…

Rolling Stones Rice Krispies

Beatles Television Commercial

Cigarettes of the Beatles

George and John for Marlboros

Ivory Joe Hunter on ”You Asked for It” 1951

Classic ’50s and 60s Television Jingles

…and if you have a half an hour to kill:

TV Show Cast Commercials

And Finally…

I promised you some Wackers news, but I can’t reveal all just yet. I will, however, show you something that has hasn’t been seen since 1971. As details become available and projects become finalized, more information will follow in the weeks and months to come. This was filmed in Eureka California in 1971. The audio quality was so bad, the producers of the film replaced it with the recorded version of the song except for the last note. Mike Stull and I wrote this song just a week earlier while we were waiting for our neighbor Ardie to get ready to go to a school play.  Enjoy. I Don’t Want My Love Refused

Have a great Easter! Be here for a ‘Best Of’ Column on Monday…

Those of you who wish to continue to receive the Don’t Believe a Word I Say columns, The Monday Morning Mailbag, The Rock Files, and The Weekend Roundup, can email me at segarini@rogers.com to let me know, and I will email the columns new URL directly to you.

Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, The Segarini Band, and Cats And Dogs, and was nominated for a Juno Award  for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), Along with the love of his life, Jade (Pie) Dunlop,  continues to write, make music, and record.