Jaimie Vernon: K-TEL HELL: MUSICAL TEAM-UPS WE’D LIKE TO SEE

With the advent of celebrity musical team-ups to help sell more downloads in this unpredictable business we now find ourselves in, I thought maybe we could do this for all lapsed and flagging music artists past and present. Here, for your bemusement, is a wish list of team-ups for the musically twisted compiled by yours truly and partner in crime Terry Lusk. Enjoy

TONY ORLANDO & GWAR – with the death of repulsive metal act Gwar’s driving force Cory Smoot, the band decides to mellow and hit the Vegas circuit offering their buckets of blood and gore to Orlando’s perennial polyester pant-suited stage show. Expect such classics as “Tie a Yellowed Rib Bone ‘Round an Enemy’s Skull” and “Knock Three Times (On My Chestplate Armour If You Want Me).”

MARTIN MULL OF KINTYRE – Paul McCartney trades in his Hofner bass guitar for a rye TV sitcom as he plods through “Mary Hartman, Mary Had a Lamb” and “Fernwood, Goodnight Tonight”. After only three episodes he is cancelled for not being very funny and returns to writing pop music that isn’t very melodic.

SNOW WHITE & THE KILLER DWARFS – Disney’s virginal matron gets her cherry popped by the Killer Dwarfs’ “Dirty Weapons”.

SIMONON & GARFUNKEL – unable to resuscitate The Clash or his own band Havana 3 A.M., Simonon teams up with Art Garfunkel who hasn’t done anything memorable since, uh, well…listen for the new single “Like a Spanish Bomb Over Troubled Water.”

NEW KIDS OUT IN THE HALL – Comedian Scott Thompson  replaces the aging Donnie “Blaze” Wahlberg in the next incarnation of NKOTB and encourages the ‘boys’ to come out of the closet. With special guest appearance by cross dressing Partridge Family member Danny Bonaduce.

VAN MORRISEY – In a bizarre cloning accident during the ongoing rivalry of the SMITHS vs. MORRISONS, the English/Irishman releases the mega-smash album “Tupelo Hairdresser” featuring the single “How Soon Is Them?”

JIMI GOES TO HOLLYWOOD – Holly Johnson (ex-Frankie Goes To Hollywood) returns from his solo career (he had a solo career?) to form the ultimate Hendrix tribute act with a healthy dose of FGTH’s legendary camp. Tunes include “Purple Gays”, “The Wind Cries Frankie”, and regrettably: “Hey Joe….Relax”.

LED HOT CHILI ZEPPERS – on the lookout for another new guitarist, Red Hot Chili Peppers recruit Jimmy Page who helps the band land another Top 10 hit: “Under The Bridge (Over The Hills And Far Away On Higher Ground)”. Their next single is slated to be “Kashmirfornication”.

XT CE CEE – Tired of staring at trains in Swindon, XTC’s Andy Partridge summons up the courage to hit the road one more time. However, to alleviate his chronic stage fright he enlists Ce Ce Peniston and Cee Lo Green to do the singing resulting in groove heavy re-readings of XTC’s songs such as: “Booty Workin’ Overytime”, “Peter Funkinghead” and “The Mayor of Fuck You”.

BEDOUIN SOUNDGARDEN – Soundgarden’s Chris Cornell seems to be a singer without portfolio. Having worn out his welcome singing for Pearl Jam (PEARLGARDEN) and with Pete Townshend (TEMPLE OF THE WHO), he connects with Canadian white reggae act Bedouin Soundclash for the album “Black Hole Sunsplash”.

BOBBY BORIS WILSON-PHILLIPS PICKETT – Former “Monster Mash” novelty singer Bobby “Boris” Pickett teams up with former guitar legend Wilson Pickett (no relation) and adds the Beach Girls as his latest ‘Cryptkickers’ to produce a solid retro-90s comeback with “You Won’t See Me Monster Mashing In The Midnight Hour”.

GLORIA GWEN ESTEFANI & THE MIAMI MONSTER VOODOO MACHINE – The Industrial Scene meets the LA Scene meets the just plain obscene.

MÖTLEY FRÜVOUS – Vince Neill continues his inability to hold a steady job with Mötley Crüe and so the LA Rockers bring in former Moxy Fruvous frontman Jian Ghomeshi for their latest tour. Fans, however, aren’t entirely enamoured with songs like “Dr. Seuss Feelsgood” and “Shout At The Green Eggs And Ham” from their collaborative album “Theatre King of (S)Pain”.

THE BEVERLY WILBURYS – Sitcom about a bunch of young/old musical has-beens who strike it rich digging up their next hit from their own back catalogue. Starring: Eric Clapton (Jed “Slowhand” Clampett), David Hasselhoff (Jethro Clampett), Annie Lennox (Mr. Drysdale), Bryan Ferry (Ms. Hathaway), Taylor Swift (Ellie May “I Think We’re Alone Now” Clampett), and Bob Dylan as ‘Granny’.

JOHN MAYALL’S BALLBREAKERS – Imagine an all-female ensemble doing grunge-blues versions of songs about PMS, men as carcinogens, bad hair days and shopping.

EXOMEGAMETALLIDETHACUS – Exodus. Megadeth. Metallica. I can’t tell the difference. Can you tell the difference?

BILLY RAY CYGNUS X-1 – Tired of his own (f)art-rock pretensions, Neil Peart teams up with country beau-hunk Billy Ray Cyrus to give birth to the ultimate musical bastard child since Rush’s rap-inflected ‘Roll the Bones’ album. Already in the can are “Closer to the Achy Breaky Heart”, “The Spirit of Rodeo” (‘Begin the day with an angry bull/a companion most obtrusive’), and “By-Tor and the Hound Dog”. Watch out for guest appearances by Billy Newton-Cyrus and Billy Ray Idol.

SEPULTURAVOX – Ultravox’s Midge Ure finally takes the stylistic plunge into metal by teaming with South American speed-metal monsters Sepultura. Two underground hits have emerged so far: “Rape the Wild Wind’ and “Dancing With Forks in My Eyes”.

PUTTING OUT ARCADE FIRE WITH GASOLINE – David Bowie and Arcade Fire finally team up for a full album entitled ‘Buddha of the Suburbs’ featuring the hit “Absolute Hipsters”.

ANDERSON, BRUFORD, WAKEMAN & HOWE, LLP – old rockers don’t retire…they become lawyers.

BOB DYLAN & THE GRATEFUL DEAD – Wait. That one’s real!

THE WHO-TLES – Surviving Beatles Paul McCartney (bass) and Ringo Starr (drums) team up with surviving Who members Roger Daltrey (vocals) and Pete Townshend (guitar) to produce the album “Tommy Road” featuring memorable classics like “Won’t Get Fooled On The Hill Again”, “Magic Bustery Tour”, and “You’ve Got To Hide A Quick One While He’s Away”.

ELASTICA ONO BAND – Leader of 1990’s pop punk act Elastica, Justine Frischmann, teams up with Yoko Ono for a one-off tour of art houses called “Approximately Infinite Who Gives A Sh*t”.

JESSIE McCARTNEY & WINGS – Determined to revive their careers on the back of a new youth market, former Wings members Denny Laine (guitar), Laurence Juber (bass) and Geoff Britton (drums) reform with Disney fawn Jessie McCartney to record “Bland On The Run”.

KANYEING WILBURYS – Bob Dylan, Tom Petty and Jeff Lynne team up with Dhani Harrison to put some life back into the supergroup’s catalog but are interrupted during their first TV appearance by Kanye West who insists that Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls were better dead artists than the Wilbury’s George Harrison and Roy Orbison. Kim Kardashian plays Yoko.

THE BLACK EYED PEE-WEES – Fergie & Co. team up with former children’s entertainer Paul “Pee Wee Herman” Reubens for a monster mash up of both their international hits: “Let’s Get Retarded (On Tequilla)”

PEACHES & HERB (MACH VII) – After six unsuccessful attempts to find a suitable replacement for the late Francine Hurd Barker, Herb Frame launches the “Reunited 2013” tour with Electro-crass artist Peaches in the new duet role. The team-up is a success with the return to the charts of their hit “Shake Your Unshaven Groove Thing”.

PEACHES & HEEBS – Lawyers for the late Francine Hurd Baker – Goldstein, Silverstein, Muhrstein, and Frankensenseberg – attempt to sue Herb Frame for misrepresentation of the “Reunited” tour. A second team of Jewish lawyers is then sent in to sue the first for their offensive name.

QUIET MARIAHT – Unwilling to let the death of lead singer Kevin DuBrow stop it from touring, the remaining members of Quiet Riot team up with Mariah Carey for a new album featuring remakes of “Cum On Feel The Noize” and “Dreamlover” called” ‘Mimi We’re All Crazy Now’.

GUNS ‘N’ DOZIER – On the heels of the disappointing release of Guns ‘n’ Roses’ “Chinese Democracy” album, Axl Rose takes his cue from Michael McDonald and Rod Stewart for a revival of tunes written by one of Motown’s greatest songsmiths, Lamont Dozier. Axl does his best Ethel Merman impersonation on such classics as “This Old Sweet Heart Child O’ My-ee-yi-ee-yine”,”Stop! In The Name Of Mr. Brownstone’s Luu-yuu-uuuve”, “Welcome Back In My Arms In The Jungle Ag-ay-ay-ay-yain”, and “Patience (You Can’t Hurry Luu-yuu-yuuuve)”.

THE TERRY JACKSON 5 – The reunited Jackson 5 lean on Canada’s own Terry Jacks to replace Michael Jackson. Though Jacks is horribly mismatched in the dance and groin pull department, he saves the day with a new million selling hit “We Had Joy, We Had Fun, We Shook Our Body Down To The Ground”.

THE JOE JACKSON 5 – With Terry Jacks unwilling to tour the UK to promote the new single, Joe Jackson is recruited next to replace Michael Jackson and proclaim nothing more than “Was Lisa Marie Really Going Out With Him?” and “I’m A Man”.
Send your CDs for review to this NEW address: Jaimie Vernon, 4003 Ellesmere Road, Toronto, ON M1C 1J3 CANADA

=JV=

Jaimie’s column appears every Saturday.

Contact us at: dbawis@rogers.com

Jaimie “Captain CanCon” Vernon has been president of the on again/off-again Bullseye Records of Canada since 1985. He wrote and published Great White Noise magazine in the ‘90s, has been a musician for 35 years, and recently discovered he’s been happily married for 17 of those years. He is also the author of the Canadian Pop Music Encyclopedia and a collection of his most popular ‘Don’t Believe A Word I Say’ columns called ‘Life’s A Canadian…BLOG’ both of which are available at Amazon.com or http://www.bullseyecanada.com