Segarini: Love is in the Air…Also all over the Kitchen Floor

Bob and amy 1977Yes, I know, it’s a Hallmark Holiday, created to sell greeting cards, flowers, and boxes of chocolate, but still, if it didn’t exist, many of us wouldn’t have sex at least one day a year.

Love, like the success and popularity of Drake, is a riddle wrapped in a mystery, tied up in a conundrum, and hidden somewhere in the back of the fridge. It is best expressed in song, unless you can afford diamonds, a trip to Tuscany or the South of France, or a pink Miata or Mercedes wrapped in a big bow and parked in the garage until your loved one discovers it when she goes out to get you a beer from your private beer fridge next to her washer and dryer.

Love is a joy, but keeping it alive can be a bloody full-time job. Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to make up for your behavior since the LAST Valentine’s Day.

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Girl with BeerFor those of  us without the means to deliver the car, trips, diamonds, or a dinner at a 5 star restaurant tonight, may I offer up the 2nd Annual Songs for Valentine’s Day which will cost you nothing and make her happy that you even remembered this holiday and did something to show your love. Ladies, don’t worry about us…just show up tonight wearing lingerie, heels, and carrying a 6 pack of beer and season tickets to anything but the ballet.

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Steps to a Successful Valentine’s Day

* Shower

* Shave

* Find your least dirty clothes

* Spray yourself and your clothes with Fabreze

* Prepare yourself to sit through a Rom/Com or, more than likely, some weepy tragic love story wherein the couple in question don’t finally find happiness until one of them is terminally ill or hit by a bus. Women love a good cry.

wuthering heights* If she asks you to choose the movie you will watch together, be careful…it’s a trap. To assure success, make sure you have a copy of Titanic or Wuthering Heights handy. She will think you are sensitive and understand her, and love her madly, and might even forget you took her to a hockey game for her last birthday, or missed it completely because your buds kept buying you lap dances after work.

* Spray your privates, armpits, neck, and wrists with a combination of Butter flavoured Pam and chocolate. It is always wise to smell like tasty treats.

* Make sure at least 3 bottles of her favourite wine or an ample supply of gin or vodka are within reach.

* Shower her with compliments. She puts up with your crap all year long. She deserves and needs to be adored and reminded that you love her and why. If you can’t think of anything, make some stuff up. Avoid weight, age, and her penchant for throwing your clothes out on the lawn and setting them on fire when you come home late from a night out with the boys.

* Make sure she has a real one of these before you even think of having one of your own. Even better if she has several of them first.

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Dim the Lights, Pour the Wine, Take off your Pants….

First up, some mood setting music. If your Sweetie is into heavy metal or country music, there are probably like-minded playlists somewhere on the Intertoobz that will get her to take off her T Shirt and climb up on your shoulders with her red solo cup, but not here.

These two tunes may send the wrong message, in fact, they do. Depending on how closely your loved one pays attention to the lyrics of the first tune, you should be prepared to calm her down with some apologetic groveling, or pop a valium into her chardonnay when she’s not looking.

The latter tune here was written by Paul Williams, who also wrote “It’s Not Easy Being Green”, or “The Rainbow Connection”, or both. Parts of your body may turn blue if you are not successful in your pitch for woo, but not green unless they get infected.

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Can’t find the words to tell her how she captured your heart the first time you saw her? Of course you can’t…you’re an idiot and lucky to have her. Let this song tell her how you felt and how you still feel about her. You youngsters out there can substitute “Baby’s Got Back” or “I Like Big Butts” or Nikki Minaj’s “She’s a Hoe” at your own risk…and Nikki, dear…there is no ‘e’ in ‘Ho’. Basically what you are saying is “She’s a Garden Implement”. Time to go back to school for some remedial English lessons.

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Okay, let’s get down to it. Soften her up a bit. Sure, when she closes her eyes you will be pictured as Daryl Hall, but what the hell, it’s still you, and it’s okay if the fantasy works for her. Just don’t ever tell her that when you close your eyes, she becomes Michelle Williams. Cee Lo and Daryl bring it.

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No Valentine’s Day is complete without a little Marvin. So…here’s a little Marvin. Gets the hips moving…everything else will follow.

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Pacing is everything on Valentine’s Day. You don’t want her to get the impression that you are just after sex. Just because you are just after sex doesn’t mean you can’t try to cover it up as best you can. Time to pull out the sweetness, show her you are sensitive and thoughtful, and your love is true, and deep, and lasting. This song has melted more hearts than the Hiroshima atom bomb…and is nowhere near as messy….

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If that tune didn’t get her up against the ropes (you DID remember ropes, didn’t you…just in case?) this one will surely turn the trick, or the tide, or the corner. Written by Rogers and Hart a million years ago, this song is short, sweet, and says it better than you or I ever could.

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Okay…the home stretch. Keeping in mind that women are as lusty as men (except the ones that, you know, aren’t, or lie and say they aren’t), it’s time to turn up the heat. Something to get the booty shaking, the blood flowing, and the nostril’s flaring. Time…to make her want to dance! And nothing makes you want to dance more than ‘80s fashion, hairstyles, and brightly coloured K-Mart clothes. Not only that, the title of this song teases it means more than ‘dancing’ “All Night Long”, even though you are only good for about 9 minutes total, and that long, only if you had a nap earlier today.

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Time to get down to bidness. The message is here, but closeted in sweetness and a great melody. People have been doing this since forever, and the title euphemism still gets used today. First a version for the ladies (sex and dancing are forever mingled in a girl’s mind), and one for the boys will follow. And pay attention to this one, fellas…if you don’t please the wonderful woman in your life, she will indeed, end up sitting on you like a piece of furniture.

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…and let’s get Ray to bring it home. If you can’t get into this groove, slow down…nobody likes a rabbit. Happy Valentine’s Day everybody, and to those of you who can’t be together tonight, tomorrow is another day, and you can celebrate it then. Love and sex have no “Best Before” date…just like this music.

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This column is dedicated to all you lovers out there (except for Ralph Wiggens) and especially to Sid Caesar, whose room full of writers and cast members taught me to love well written comedy at a very early age. We love you Sid, and miss you already. God Speed.

I’m with Sid on this….

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Segarini’s regular column appears here every Friday

Contact us at dbawis@rogers.com

DBAWIS ButtonBob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, osts The Bobcast every Monday night at Cherry Cola’s, and continues to write music, make music, and record.

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One Response to “Segarini: Love is in the Air…Also all over the Kitchen Floor”

  1. I still love playing those,”Wacker cd’s.” Thanks for the memories Bob.

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