Roxanne Tellier: Love Stinks

February is the perfect month in which to have a Valentine’s Day, isn’t it? The dark days of winter mirror the endless darkness of your so called life and press on your last nerve, and the cold sneaks through the windows and under the doors like icy fingers, seeking out your most tender bits. What better time to join in a mass celebration of tawdry lingerie and heart shaped chocolates? Snuggle up to your honey, maybe even take off the socks that you’ve been wearing to bed for two months, and get your cuddles on.

Or at least, that’s what we’re told to expect.

In reality, however, the course of love does not always run smooth. Whether your romantic plans are swept aside for more pressing life and death matters, or you happen to be a singleton in a world of couples, the Day set aside for Valentine’s may leave you colder than the icicles hanging from your eavestrough.

I’ve got the winter blues and blahs, baby. Which means it’s a perfect time to talk about turning the tables on righteous loving, and reflect upon love gone wrong. Set to music.

You can’t ignore the impact that traditional country and western tunes had on the heartbreak market, from George Jones’ “A Good Year For The Roses,” to Kenny Rogers’ “Lucille” “Ruby” and his other cheatin’ wimmin. The ladies were no slouches either, contributing much angst and drippy mascara to the mix, with Tammy Wynette often dubbed “The Heroine of Heartbreak” and Patsy Cline’s weepy “She’s Got You,” and “Crazy.”

Lady Antebellum carried on the tradition with “Need You Now,” summing up the pain of “Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door. Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before. It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now.”

“Here comes the last time I’m gonna kiss you, and the first night drinking alone. Here comes the hardest thing we’ve ever known” says Butch Walker in his song “Here Comes The … “ But the video is more than a little fun, reminding me of the time I worked with a transvestite, who claimed that when his wife returned to Latin America, leaving behind all of her clothes, he drowned his sorrow by wearing her clothes, eventually discovering that he liked how that felt. To each his own, I say.

Keith Urban’s “You’ll Think Of Me” takes the position that he’s better off without her, and she’ll be sooo sorry …  “While you’re sleeping with your pride, wishing I could hold you tight, I’ll be over you – and on with my life.” Yeah, she’ll be sorry, Keith, and you got Nicole as a consolation prize. Tyler Farr went “Redneck Crazy,” which apparently involves a great deal of beer. “I’m gonna throw empty beer cans at both of your shadows,” he says, after letting us know he’s gonna “Park this Silverado right on your front lawn, crank up a little Hank, sit on the hood and drink – I’m about to get my pissed off on.”

Speaking of vengeful scary stalkers – “I’ll be watching you” sounds a little creepy, no? I give you “Every Breath You Take” by The Police.  . “Every move you make, every step you take.” I knew a guy like that once. That’s why I now live in Toronto.  (stalker.jpg)

Corey Hart just couldn’t understand why “It Ain’t Enough.” The boys in Journey kept a stiff upper lip in “Separate Ways,” and Adele got all weepy looking for “Someone Like You.” Alanis Morrisette gave the finger to Dave Coulier (WHAT?!) with the ultimate revenge song when she penned “You Outta Know,” Kelly Clarkson took the sassy way out with “Since U Been Gone,” and Pink laughed til she cried in “So What.”

And then, of course, there are all the guaranteed tear jerkers, starting for me with the Righteous Brothers “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling,“ through to “Unbreak My Heart” as wailed by Toni Braxton, and  Michael McDonald’s rather cheery “I Keep Forgetting.” But to really dig down deep and feel the gut-wrenching soul pain, you need to listen to Harry Nilsson’s “Without You.” Here’s a weird coincidence; the song was released on January 15^th, 1972, and he died on January 15, 1994, the same day Mariah Carey’s version was released. I mean, I’m not keen on Mariah either, but …

Or you could wallow in the “End of the Road” with the silky harmonies of Boyz 2 Men. 25 million combined Youtube/Vevo viewers can relate to the lyrics, “When I can’t sleep at night without holding you tight – Girl, each time I try I just break down and cry. Pain in my head oh I’d rather be dead. Spinnin’ around and around.”

But all of that pain doesn’t mean you have to be a Crabby Appleton. You can kick over the traces with a chirpy song like Skeeter Davis’ “Gonna Get Along Without You Now,” Cee Lo’s “Fuck You,” or J. Geils Band’s “Love Stinks.” Or throw in the towel like Bruce Springsteen in this oldie. “I give up little darling, yeah no matter what I do, girl you know it’s true – ain’t good enough for you.”

Rehan Dalal, one of the new faces of r&b in Toronto, weighs in with “Moving On (Without You)“  Love this guy’s voice and attitude.

Get downright silly with songs like Weird Al’s “One More Minute,” How Come U Don’t Call Me Anymore” by Prince, or “I’m Not Crying” by Flight of the Conchords, with the timeless lyrics, “I’m not upset because you left me this way. My eyes are just a little sweaty today.”

Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?  You tell me, Faith Hill and Tim McGraw (“Like We Never Loved At All.”) What was that you were saying, Kid Rock in “Picture”? “I found your picture today, I swear I’ll change my ways, I just called to say I want you to come back home.”

Ah, love lost. So many heartaches, regrets and tears. So many songs written and sung to ease the pain. Bruno Mars wraps it up with this one.   

= RT =

Roxanne’s column appears here every Sunday 

Contact us at dbawis@rogers.com

Roxanne Tellier has been singing since she was 10 months old … no, really. Not like she’s telling anyone else how to live their lives, because she’s not judgmental, and most 10 month olds need a little more time to figure out how to hold a microphone. After years of doing things she didn’t want to do, she’s found herself working with a bunch of crazy people who are as batshit crazy and devoted to music as she is, and so she can be found every Monday at Cherry Cola’s, completely unable to think of anything funny to say, as the co-host of Bob Segarini’s The Bobcast. Come and mock her. She’s good with that. And she laughs. A lot. But not at you.