Nadia Elkharadly: Stop. Please. Just Stop.

NadiaI’ve rehashed time and again in this column that I am a music lover.  I love the music.  I love all different kinds of music.  I’m sometimes overwhelmed with how much music there is that I love.  But not all music is created equally, and for the large majority of music I love, there is a distinct minority that I can very easily say I hate.  While the word hate may be extreme, I think it’s valid here.  Music is supposed to make you feel SOMETHING.  When it doesn’t, it’s pretty much the aural equivalent of plain Philidelphia cream cheese: a waste of calories for ears.  So when a song comes on that I viscerally hate, it means something.  It generally means I wish whatever my ears are currently being assaulted with would just stop existing. Stop is the key word here.   When they make me feel nothing or bore me, I want them to stop existing because the notes would be better used elsewhere.  So, based on these reasons, here are a few bands, artists and musicians that I sincerely, with every fibre of my being, wish would just STOP MAKING MUSIC.

The National

The_NationalIt’s a fact that Vice magazine has in its employ some of the best writers currently working (for actual money).  One of the best things I have ever read was their list of the 50 worst albums of 2013.  Some tongue in cheek, some brutally honest, all incredibly spot on, this list made me laugh, cry and wish I was a better writer.  One of the best descriptions was of the National’s release Trouble will find me.

“When is Father’s Day? Shit. I always forget. I don’t want to tell my daughter what to get me, but that new compact disc by the National would be perfect to pop into the Highlander (limited-edition midnight slate, and had to drive all the way to Philly to get it with heated seats). I’ve got a handful of Match.com dates lined up all the way to Sin City, and if she buys me it, I’ll be able to drive around these fine, unassuming 36–48-year-old women I meet each and every week and play this “CD my daughter just got me” to “see what it sounds like.” Then, all casual, I’ll drop in, “Did I mention that my daughter works at a hip youth-media company in Brooklyn with a show on HBO?” Then I’m going to get fucking laid.”

It’s perfection of the written word, and so spot on it gives me goosebumps.  I have never heard blander or more boring music than the National.  I remember seeing them at Coachella and wondering if occasionally checking the crowd’s pulse was necessary, as they all seemed uprightly comatose.  From singer ____’s monotonous voice to the quirky lyrical subject matter, it’s music that makes me cringe as much as listening to John Derringer’s morning show.  I think my dear friend Mary put it best when she said re: the National “it’s music for people that hate music.”  I couldn’t agree more.

ALT-J

altjAll my apple lovin friends are going to see this and roll their eyes, all the while claiming it’s my hatred of all products apple that is fueling this particular tirade, but I can swear to you it’s not.  While it is infuriating that this band is named after an apple keyboard shortcut (that produces a triangle, of all things), it’s their “music” that I truly can’t stand.  “Tessellate” literally makes my skin crawl – I feel the creepy crawlies of bad music cover my skin if even a moment of the so called tune invades my earholes.  It’s the lame, boring drone of a singer surrounded by random noises.  I’m sure there’s some nuance I’m completely missing, because they have a huge following, but I have NO idea what it is.  If you want to explain it to scott-stapp-290me, go ahead.  I’m honestly so curious.

Oh, and naming your band after a fucking keyboard shortcut has to be the laziest and lamest move ever.

Scott Stapp

First of all, am I the only one completely surprised that this bro is still making music?  Creed already happened.  Enough man, just regret your life choices and move on.

R.Kelly

There was a time when I was younger and stupider that I could freely enjoy the bump and grind beauty of R. Kelly’s music.  “Ignition” was my jam back in the day, and can R-Kellyyou blame me.  I found “Trapped in a closet” incredibly self indulgent and overwrought, but I was largely alone in that.  But the more I find out about the shady fucker that is Robert Kelly, the more perplexed I get about his level of fame and how people can still listen to his music.  I used to think that I could appreciate the music despite how foul the person creating it may be.  But after reading this interview with the investigative journalist that uncovered much of Kelly’s criminal exploits, I just can’t do it anymore.  Here’s a guy that sings pretty much exclusively about getting pussy, lotsa pussy.  He’s also a guy that really seems to like said pussy to belong to impressionable, undearage girls. Now, put the two things together, and tell me if your stomach doesn’t start to push your dinner back up your throat.  Just stop, you disgusting rapist.  And Lady Gaga, how could you.

Justin Bieber

JUSTIN-BIEBER-900GOOD GOD.  Forgive me Roxy T but the Biebs must be stopped.  And I don’t just mean musically.  I mean sure, the world would be a far better place if he’d never been allowed to make pop music (I maintain that I would have listened to Bieb’s collab with Rascal Flatts), but that kid just needs an intervention.  When you’re falling asleep in brothels, getting busted for drag racing in Miami and getting high and abusing stewardesses WITH YOUR DAD you know you have problems.  Does Justin Bieber know he has some serious problems?  Who knows.  Is Bieber senior the shittiest human on the planet for dead-beating and returning to the scene of his sperm crime when the money started rolling in? Definitely.  Either Way

Drake

drakeJustin Smallbridge’s column on Drake was the other best thing I’ve ever read, and it really says  much of what I would say myself right here.  I don’t want Drake to stop making music entirely, his songs aren’t awful, as misguided as his usage of so called ghetto life subject matter may be.  But I really do wish he would stop rapping.  Never have I heard such impotently asinine attempts at putting vocal force behind words.  Snoop Dogg pioneered the art of the quiet rapper.  Drake has created his own genre, I just…don’t think I can take it anymore.  Please make it stop.

Are there any bands you’d like to put a musical restraining order on?  Share your choices with us right below.

Until next time,

Xo

N

=NE=

Nadia’s column appears every Wednesday

Contact us at: dbawis@rogers.com

DBAWIS ButtonNadia Elkharadly is a Toronto based writer with a serious addiction to music. Corporate drone by day, renegade rocker by night, writing is her creative outlet.  Nadia writes for the Examiner (.com) on live music in Toronto and Indie Music in Canada.  She has never been in a band but plays an awesome air guitar and also the tambourine.  Check in every Tuesday for musings about music, love, life and whatever else that comes to mind.

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7 Responses to “Nadia Elkharadly: Stop. Please. Just Stop.”

  1. …it is entirely possible to enjoy the music that speaks to you without giving in to the need to piss on the music that speaks to others. it’s not even all that difficult…

  2. haha Jamie Arcade Fire of late defintely could have made it on that list. same with Mumford and sons. though I did actually like the music of both of those bands at one point.

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