Segarini: The Emmys, I Hear it’s My Birthday, and The VMAs. Part 1 – The Emmys

The Bobcast Bob May 6th 2013 Cropped

Call this a prologue if you want, but all it really is, is a FB Messenger conversation between DBAWIS contributor Darrell Vickers and myself. I love the writers who grace these pages, and Darrell (among other things, the head writer of the Johnny Carson Tonight Show for 3 years) is such a brilliant and entertaining scribe, that I can’t believe he does this for our humble pay; 2 cans of cream corn, a packet of Lik-M-Aid, and occasionally, a chicken.

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Darrell Vickers

I messaged Darrell after I saw this on his Facebook Timeline:

Darrell on hearing of the passing of Joan Rivers….

JoanOne of the first people to buy jokes from Andrew and myself was Joan Rivers. I believe she bought 7 – for the princely sum of $70. One has become somewhat of a classic and I’ve heard other comedians tell it. “I walked into Melissa’s room the other day and caught her masturbating. I said, ‘You know, if you don’t stop that, you’ll go blind.’ She said, ‘I’m over here, ma.’”
Sleep well, funny lady.

The Conversation….

  • Robert

Please write about Joan if you feel like it for a column. I never wrote for her, but sitting right in front of the stage one night, she got a huge laugh asking my wife if she was a whore I brought to the show. Gave my wife a big bouquet of roses afterward.

8:47pm

Darrell

Unfortunately – it wouldn’t be very flattering. Joan had some severe mental issues when it came to money. She left the Tonight Show, literally two days before I got hired. Her personal assistant was a good friend of mine and – oh, the stories she did tell.

8:48pm

Robert

I don’t see a problem. you can have fond memories of assholes…look at me. I still have friends, somehow.

8:49pm

Darrell

I’ll ask my wife – she has far more sense than I do. Perhaps there’s a way to present them is a semi-kind light.

8:49pm

Robert

Darrell's Broken Thumbit was just a suggestion. How’s yer thumb, and what the fuck did your do?

8:52pm

Darrell

I just fell wrong and shattered the bone under my thumbnail. I had the 5 stabilizing pins pulled yesterday. Now, I’m waiting for the swelling to go down so I can start trying to get it to bend at the knuckle. Now the big cast has come off, I can type some. I’ll try and get a column done soon.

8:54pm

Darrell's Boo BooRobert

Just take your time and let it heal. Ouch. Better take some falling down lessons…as you get older you will realize that was the first of many. You need to come and see us soon. seriously. Trying to figure out a way to fly Frank out…maybe a cut rate airline from some country that will take barter. Who flies in and out of Sweet Home Oregon?

8:56pm

Robert

By the way…my 70th birthday next year (God willing) is going to be a Roast. I will be sending you chickens and whatever else I have in exchange for some snappy rejoinders.

Darrell's 2 of 6 pins8:56pm

Darrell

I was actually going to fly up there before I broke my thumb (for my father’s birthday). I could afford to fly to Saturn on the money this is going to cost me.

8:57pm

Robert

Should have broken it here…would have been free. Next time…and why did you break your thumb for your father?

8:57pm

Darrell

Now that would be a cool gig. I except the job.

8:57pm

Robert

Damn…I was hoping you would accept it.

8:58pm

Darrell

Family CircleI can type better – I didn’t say I could spell better.

8:58pm

Robert

Maybe I can rework some Family Circle and Marmaduke gags….

You ARE the funniest and most professional-y writer I has ever knowed. I will be publishing this conversation just in time for Christmas.

8:59pm

tumblr_lcepn17kOd1qz7wfjo1_500Darrell

I’ll send you a release.

9:00pm

Robert

How did you know I was tense. In chains. In jail?

Nope. Vaudeville is still dead.

*sigh*

Well, No rest for the winded…I have to get back to work. Tomorrow’s column is called The Rmmys, My Birthday, and the VMAs Shit the Bed…Again. Has a nice ring to it, no?

Ennys

FUCK!

Emmys

9:03pm

Darrell

I look forward to reading it.

9:03pm

George and GracieRobert

I look forward to writing it.

Good night, Gracie

9:03pm

Darrell

Next time.

9:03pm

Robert

yep

…and I AM going to include this conversation in the column…with your permission of course. Otherwise…I will weep, but not use it.

9:05pm

Darrell

Sure.

9:05pm

MagicBeanRobert

YAY!

Bestest birthday present ever! ‘cept for these magic beans.

sO LONG FOR A WHILE

fucking caplock

9:05pm

Darrell

Go write!

9:05pm

Robert

GONE!

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 An Emmy

An Introduction to The Emmys….

“This is the first Monday Emmys since 1976…Of course people don’t remember the 1976 Emmys…because they were held on a Monday.”                                                                      Seth Meyers

I too, was startled to hear that the Emmys were on television on a Monday night, and, a month earlier than normal. I am not easily shocked, and frankly, this bit of non-news didn’t shock me either, but it reminded me that as of 2 years ago, I had swallowed my pride and deemed myself worthy of watching awards shows again after a 5 decade long boycott. I now had a reason to tune in. I could write about them.

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Shocked Romney

Except for the 2012 US election coverage, I haven’t turned on my TV to watch TV for almost 10 years. I, like every other entitled shmoe in the Western Hemisphere, have a hard time tearing myself away from whatever I am doing, just to sit on my ass in front of the TV to watch what the analysts are now calling ‘Appointment” television. In other words, you have to sit down and watch the damn thing when they tell you to watch it.

Except nowadays, most people don’t.

Like music on demand, television and movies are just now beginning to face the reality of a new world, and a new way of doing things. By “new” of course, I am referring to 1999 when Napster kicked open the door to the new delivery system for music, movies, books, and television, but, like an Alien landing on Earth for the first time, Napster was attacked by the villagers (in this case the trigger happy record industry) and brutally murdered before it could give us the gift it brought; instant delivery of entertainment to your home to enjoy at your leisure, whenever you wanted, at a fraction of the cost of warehousing, shipping, manufacturing, and anything else you can think of associated with the old paradigm.

 

Alien Shot

If an Alien DID land on Earth, especially in the US anywhere outside New York, San Francisco, or L.A, the locals would gun the damn thing down before finding out it had brought the cure for cancer and a replacement for gasoline made out of graham crackers and Kool-Aid. And worse…after the record industry murdered Napster, it occurred to absolutely NONE of them that they could have adopted the technology that Napster had unleashed and MONETIZED it to digitally distribute their wares. Instead of embracing the promise of Napster, they tried to pretend it didn’t happen.

This is why Tech companies now own the record industry, and the Record Industry owns Kanye West. What the heck,  thought the tech companies…if the record industry doesn’t want to control the distribution of their product, I guess we could. And it is the tech companies that are making the lion’s share of the money off of music these days.

And why did the record industry not realize afraidthat the internet and digital delivery was so important to, and the future of, their business?

Because they felt threatened and feared what this technology could do. In this respect, they were ahead of their time. Now….

…Now we are afraid of fucking everything.

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I had already downloaded last night’s VMAs that afternoon, so Tuesday morning around 3 am, before I went to bed, I found and downloaded the Emmys.

I do not feel bad about this in the slightest.

People use DVRs to record shows for later (so much so, that those numbers, and the Internet numbers are now included in the overall ratings of shows, saving some of them from the Beancounter Guillotine) because, like me, who wants to drag themselves away from their Facebook newsfeed or a chat with their Cyber BFF in Mayberry, just to watch another detective catch another serial killer.

We pay through the nose for access to these shows, and then on top of that, we have to sit through hours of constantly repeated, intrusive, rarely entertaining, snake oil and salve salesmen and Dexter the Lumberjackwomen, who all look like local news anchors who spend more money on their hair than they did on their education. Add to that the humiliation of having to stop cleaning your gun until your show is over, or ignoring your child’s need to be fed because you HAVE to see Dexter become a lumberjack or watch ‘Lost’ screw the pooch after 7 years of compelling TV by writing and filming an ending that was so incredibly, jaw-droppingly, insulting, I think they let their kids or Christopher Nolan finish it because they wanted to see something on television and couldn’t finish it themselves.

So, no…I will download or stream as much television as I want. I pay for cable, and God help me, I do (mostly by accident) buy some of the generally mediocre products the well-coiffed Pretty People tell me I HAVE to use/buy/covet, or I will be ostracized from the village and have to live in a tree or under a couple of homeless people, eating off-brand corn chips and drinking a soda no one has ever heard of.

Oh, the shame.

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2014 Emmys

The Emmys….

Seth Myers was a revelation. I wasn’t too familiar with his work, because I tend to avoid Saturday Night Live just as avidly as I try my best to avoid people who call California “Cali”, and hamburgers made of bean curd, wheat germ, and lentils, topped with goat cheese and kale, served on a 12 grain gluten free whole wheat bun.

Nationals on SNLAfter watching him host the Emmys and deftly deliver some old school. funny, and observational one liners and snappy remarks with a self-aware and slightly irreverent smirk, I did my usual exhaustive research on Mr. Myers,  and decided a couple of things. I was still happy I avoided SNL, but made a mental note to not blame him for allowing ‘musical’ groups like The Nationals on the show, (I thought they were a bad sketch that went on too long, not an actual band),  and to forgive him for writing all the actually funny stuff that ever came out of Tina Fey’s mouth and helping her get a career.

Sexy Female FirefighterI also appreciated the fact that he was less smug than I thought he would be. I found that refreshing in a world where satire is only delivered by left-leaning smug junior Will Rogers’s and most popular comedy consists of being clumsy, stupid, or neurotic. Thank God for Louie CK, and the writers of my favourite comedy TV shows, whose credits go by so fast I can’t read their names. Instead of letting these people get their due, they speed up the credits or cover them up because TV stations want to cram another ad or blurb in. “Stay tuned for Smokin’ Hot Buffalo New York Female Firefighters Search for Love!

Myers was engaging and funny and hardly broke a sweat. I might have to download an episode of his late night show just to see if his performance here was a fluke. There was, however,  still a tiny hint of SNL’s penchant for taking a funny idea for a 30 second sketch and turning it into a nap-inducing 3 minute yawn reminiscent of having to sit through your next door neighbor’s 6 year old kid’s performance as a singing snowball in her 1st Grade Christmas Pageant while you are suffering a mind numbingly painful toothache.

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There was a nice, relaxed atmosphere to the Emmys this year. Everybody actually seemed to be having a good time. Of course, a lot of them ARE actors, so it is possible some of them were absolutely miserable.

I still don’t understand why ‘reality’ shows are included in the Emmys night time broadcast. I guess whoever runs these things figure they should include television’s lowest common denominator, because they make the most money for their Network Overlords. If you stop and think about it, ‘reality’ shows (which are about as real as porn stars’ tits) are basically the only television content the networks have that make them any serious money. Unlike the actors in successful sitcoms, and Survivors in Muddramas, you don’t have to pay a postman from Altoona, or a Starbuck Barista from Glendale a million dollars apiece each and every week to sit around in the mud eating grubs for a cash prize. These shows tend to nurture and feed our obsession with watching ‘just plain folks like you ‘n’ me’ go from being our annoying and/or normal  neighbors to being fabulous celebrities. Some, by being the best at housewiving in Dallas, or rooting around in the basements of condemned Mental Hospitals or seedy old houses bathed in the green light of night vision cameras looking for Great-Granddad’s ghost,  or by burning a meatloaf or feeding some culinary judges undercooked chicken. When Amazing Race won the Best Reality Show Emmy this year, 4 rows of the audience stood up and marched to the stage. I stopped counting at 16 by the time they gathered behind the podium to accept the award. Was this the whole cast? The execs? The craft table caterers?  I have no idea.

Most of the show was pretty damn good. So good, in fact, that when something truly lame happened it stuck out like a Kardashian at a Tractor Pull.

But enough of me meandering off and on the subject at hand. Time to let this year’s Emmys speak for themselves….

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Seth Myers’ spot-on introduction to the Emmys, the participants, and television in general. …and notice (I’m talking to YOU Tina Fey and Amy Poehler) that pretending to be clumsy, acting like you’re acting, or acting childlike, are NOT used to get a cheap laugh….

Weird Al Being Weird…Al….

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/video-emmy-awards-2014-weird-727728

My Favourite Moment for both the truth of it, and the contextually self-effacing speech that subtly/blatantly underlined the incredibly beautiful visual.

As far as the lame moments during this year’s Emmys?

Why would I want to show you something I am sure you would rather not see.

Next: I Hear It’s My Birthday

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Your Comments are Welcome.

Segarini’s regular column appears here every Friday whenever he can finish one in time.

Contact us at dbawis@rogers.com

DBAWIS ButtonBob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, and continues to write music, make music, and record.

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