The 21st Century? Really? Nope…not yet.

Bob Throws the Horns

Why is it Flashback Friday? I don’t know, really, except to say that time constraints force a rerun this week. It has been updated and even has a couple of new links. Originally posted in April of 2011, here’s a look back at the past for a glimpse of the future we’re still waiting for…or something.

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There are 4 things I have always loved; music, food, hot babes, and science fiction. I also love having a good laugh, so I guess a plate of manicotti made and served by Elisha Cuthbert aboard the Enterprise NCC 1701 – E while listening to the Four Freshman’s heads (in their Futurama Jars) sing “Graduation Day’ while Bender slips a whoopee cushion onto Capt. Picard’s chair would be my ideal way to spend a night out. Truth of the matter is, here we are in the 21st Century and I don’t even have a flying car…or a personal jetpack…or a pet SpaceMonkey. I do, however, have a watch that tells time and also tells me my heart is beating at the same bpm rate as Uptown Funk.

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Growing up when I did (post second world war, pre Kennedy) I came to expect a lot of miracles by the year 2000. An era, we learned from reading comic books, and sci-fi digests and watching movies and television shows as kids, that would be defined by personal jet-packs and pills that had a steak dinner crammed into them, or alien overlords that had tentacles and threatened us with whips and ray guns if we didn’t toe the alien line. I don’t have to tell you how badly we were misled. Here it is 2015, and we don’t even have gills, wings, or microwave popcorn that doesn’t stop until all the kernels pop.

Mostly, we were always told how much better things would be in the future, but now that the future is here, I have to point out that pretty much nothing is better.

Let’s see…do we have a city on the moon? Nope. Do we control the weather? Nope. Have we cured any disease since polio? Nope. Moving sidewalks? Ocean based hydroponic farms? Have we put an end to war? Are you kidding me? 3D television? Hooray!

Do we broadcast energy and power? No. We broadcast Cash Cab and TMZ. Do we have Universal Health Care and Universal Translators? No. We have Universal Studios and Universal Music. And what of my four favourite things? How is that going?

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FOOD…

I can still taste the food from my youth. I can close my eyes and remember my mom’s cioppino, breaded veal cutlets (try and find one of those these days) chicken cacciatore and apple and banana fritters. Then there were the enchiladas at Costanza’s, the steaks at the 276 Club, the Chinese food at On Lock Sam’s, and Wilson’s cheeseburgers and fried ham sandwiches. Not only was all of this food made fresh, none of it was irradiated, pumped full of vitamins, frozen, canned, processed, or altered in any way. On top of that, the 16 oz. rib steaks and T-bones at Club 276 were under 4 dollars and perfectly cooked every time. Even McDonald’s original hamburger (only 15 cents) was fresh and tasty.

To find a steak as good and well prepared as the ones at the 276 Club these days will cost you around 40 or 50 dollars. God only knows what’s in it. Also, food should not be stacked up on top of itself…it’s just wrong. There is plenty of room on the plate to put the mashed potatoes and asparagus NEXT to the meat…and there better be at least a pound of cow on that plate. If God would have meant us to have little teeny-tiny steakettes, he wouldn’t have given us the ability to have coronaries.

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I am still waiting for the pills that taste like steak just the way you like it for when I simply don’t have time or the money to enjoy the real thing, a replicator that can create whatever food you’re craving at the moment out of thin air, so I can enjoy a bowl of cioppino, an enchilada and a Twinkie at 4:30 in the morning, a reverse microwave that chills or freezes, rather than heats up or thaws out food and drink, and sugar free sugar that won’t kill you while protecting you from weight gain or diabetes. However, the Government just approved powdered liquor, so at least we’ve got that to look forward to. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have a steaktato and asparacorn, with a mock-lettucini salad with cham…and wash it all down by snorting a packet of Lik-em-Gin. Thank you, Monsanto.

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HOT BABES…

I was originally going to name-check radio as one of my loves, but radio as I know it doesn’t exist in the 21st Century. Any radio that exists here in the future that bears a resemblance to the radio I grew up on is (as Data always loved to point out) an anomaly. Fascinating. Hot Babes, on the other hand, exist in droves here in the future.

When I was 9, I shook hands with Sophia Loren in front of Graumann’s Chinese Theatre in Hollywood. She was part of some ceremony there and I was in Los Angeles because my mom was taking me to Disneyland (which had opened the month before) for my 10th birthday. Ms. Loren was even more stunning in person than in films, but I didn’t come to realize that for several years. In the ‘60s the hot babes wore mini skirts, so by the 21st Century, I figured they would all be dressing like Alta Morbius in Forbidden Planet, complete with robot servants (who could also become a still and make bottles of bourbon on demand). But no such luck. During the summer, future Hot Babes do dress like Alta did, but the sweet disposition and ultra cool cat-on-roombahouse on a distant planet has been replaced by tipsy texting on a licensed patio and crantini/Jager breath. The only robot servants we have are those little round vacuum cleaners and the occasional obedient-for-money politician.

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SCIENCE FICTION…

Sci-Fi used to be a lot of fun. Here in the future it has taken a turn for the worse. Most of it seems to be very pessimistic and sad, ‘edgy’ for ‘edgy’s’ sake, and full of doom and gloom. We had some stuff like that when I was a kid, When Worlds Collide, to name one, but the heroes always survived, got the girl, and lived happily ever after. Now, we’re lucky if the girl lives and the hero (if there is one) doesn’t end up pancaked under a giant robot foot. In the ‘50s, television filled my head with all sorts of promissory notes I expected to collect here in the 21st Century. Tom Corbett Space Cadet said I could be a Space Cadet when I grew up. In a way, I did become one for a while in the 1980s, but not the way I wanted to. If you believe the rumours, Jimmy Page is still a space cadet. Tales of Tomorrow told of time travel and world peace. Commando Cody promised personal jet packs and a privately owned space faring ship you could keep in the desert by some Paper Mache rocks. Oh, the dreams I had.

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The internet is about the coolest thing here in the future. Still, most people use it to access porn or watch Justin Bieber get eggs thrown at him, but it IS a pretty neat piece of technology. Ditto the smart phone, but I have to ask…does anybody REALLY want to watch a 100 million dollar movie on a 2×4 inch screen with a pair of ear buds crammed into their ears like a couple of pencil erasers? The iPad and similar tablet devices do live up to at least one of Star Trek’s promises, but I thought by now we would have cured cancer, figured out a way to make nicotine harmless, and formed a beneficent world government that would be hard at work ending poverty and hunger. On those fronts, the future is just like the past…more interested in blowing things up instead of not blowing things up, and making money off of diseases instead of curing them. …and I apologize to all of you who HAVE cured cancer, but the icky corporations won’t let the public have the cure because…well…they’re corporations, so…evil…right?

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MUSIC…

Here in the 21st Century music is on the internet and in the clubs. Tell your friends. There are some things called music and some things that are called songs, but they aren’t. I will leave it to you to discover which ones they are…or aren’t.

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Having a 3D theatre in my house.

Having a pulse.

Having a functioning liver.

Those are just a few of the things I…

…LOVE ABOUT THE 21st CENTURY!

Being able to find stuff like this at home…in my underwear….

The Students pay homage to the Teachers: Graduation Day

And the Teachers pay homage to the Students: Surfer Girl

The entire run will follow the first episode automatically. Two heroes as 3 year old kids. Charming and infinitely funny: Baman Piderman

Baman Piderman

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Sci-Fi done right….

Sci-Fi Done Wrong….

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Food done right…. 

Harbour Sixty

Harbour Sixty also has a little thing that indicates the future is here. Mr. Wizard never did this, and Ludwig Von Drake probably doesn’t drink…because he’s a duck.

Bar Italia

Rancho Relaxo Cantina  

The Rancho has had a makeover and upped their menu. If you’re in Toronto, check it out as soon as you get the chance. 300 College Street, one block west of Spadina.

Centre Street Deli

Food Done Wrong….

McDonalds

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Music done right….

All over the internet and in your local clubs. Tell us what you like…spread the word.

Music Done Wrong….

Turn on a ‘Hit’ radio station. Wait a few minutes. You’ll know one when you hear it.l

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Any Questions or comments, please write them in the Comment Section below.

Your Comments Are Welcome

Segarini’s regular columns appear here eventually.

Contact us at dbawis@rogers.com

Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.

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