Segarini – The 2016 Grammys Part One or Dear God, Please Make it Stop!

Bob Cool

I look forward to The Grammys every year with the same feeling of dread and trepidation I feel before a trip to the doctor, dentist, or Aunt Quinine’s Annual Liver and Kidney Dinner and Cotillion.

It is the equivalent of a prostrate exam administered without lubrication by an angry first-year medical student who is drunk on a combination of tequila and Windex and hates you because he would rather be at Starbucks on his iPad drinking a 15 dollar whipped mocha half-caf cinnamon dusted caramel almond infused Frapuccino…and because he had to take his finger out of his own butt and stick it in yours….

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If Music Is the Titanic, The Grammys Is The Iceberg….

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The disconnect between Honest-To-God Music and the Grammys is wider and deeper than the Grand Canyon or…to use an easier to understand  pop culture reference, Kim Kardashian’s ass-crack. Fortunately or not (depending on your point of view) the Grammys always manage to slip a few worthy songs and artists into steerage that, like a good chip to the green in golf, makes us hang on to see if there will be more accidental decisions that give us hope, to encourage us to tune in again next year and pray that they have discovered the great music being made currently by new and exciting artists, and have miraculously quit listening to the cash registers and started to listen to music again.

I’m still waiting.

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Every One of These Artists is Better Than Every One of These Artists….

Even without commercials, it took the Grammys 2 hours and 34 minutes to blow badly written hot air and mostly poorly written-by-committee music up our asses Monday night…and that is time we cannot get back. If I were to just write about what I enjoyed about this year’s Ego Stroking Fawning Festival, this column would be a Tweet.

However….

This is your chance to grab a few beer, a bottle of Jack, or a sandwich, or go to the bathroom…

…because this ain’t no tweet.

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Taylor Swift

taylorI have been a fan of Ms. Swift’s for a long time. Since she was tall for her age and sang country music in that pure white voice and appeared not to be aware of her burgeoning sexuality. She was a breath of fresh air and a replacement for the gone-to-hell home wrecker Lee Anne Rhimes, and shit upon superstar Shania Twain, whose husband/producer left her for her heavy breasted ex BFF, and like Rhimes, left her fans in the lurch and needing a new squeaky clean vestal virgin to annoy at Fan Fests. Ms. Swift filled the void and how!

…and then came the Max Martinizing of the entire music industry, radio, and the people whose idea of music is based on how popular and successful it is…and how childish, maudlin, and superficial its celebrity purveyors are.

taylor tarredAnd it appears Ms. Swift has become another Stepford Chanteusse…and if I were surprised, I would weep…but fuck it. I’m still busy trying to understand how America has gotten so fucked up as to actually consider Trump and dallas hairthe rest of the Insane Clown Posse formerly known as Republicans are worth even a mention in the Hicktown weekly Buy and Sell.

Lilly haircutMs. Swift opens the Grammys with a mediocre song, covered in what looks like fresh tar, sporting the hairstyle of the day (see Dallas Bryce Howard in Jurassic World and Evangeline Lilly in Ant Man) clumsily hoofing choreography straight out of Larry’s Strut-Yer-Stuff Dance Emporium, and makes me hit pause on the old remote to get a shot of vodka out of the freezer…it’s going to be a looong night.

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LL Cool J

There was a time that LL was one cool Bean. His records were fun, kind of Compton Lite.

His foray into acting was an enjoyable side trip, especially his role in the overlooked best shark movie ever, Deep Blue Sea.

26 years after his rise to fame in the RhythmAndPoetry world, LL finds himself reprising his latest role, that of the Grammys overly toadying spokesrapper, Usedtobe Cool J. What, I wonder every time he reads the teleprompter, does he do after he has to say these things? Is there a vomit bucket for him backstage? A stool in a corner where his second pours water over his head and adjusts his mouthpiece? A hot babe with a crack pipe and a Bic waiting in his dressing room? …or is the cheque big enough to make this worth tossing his credibility down the same shute as Paul McCartney’s?

Mr. J has gone from Straight Outta Compton to Straight Into Compromise.

…and speaking of Compromise….

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Stephen Colbert (Live! From New York!)

You should have worn a jacket?

You should have stayed home.

Ice Cube and Son

ice cube and son(2)

Cube and Cube the Sequel at least looked as uncomfortable as they probably were and I certainly was. N.W.A was such a benchmark, and the film, Straight Outta Compton, is right up there with the immense influence of the film Boyz n the Hood, to which Cube brought a reality that had been overlooked and ignored in Hollywood up until its release. How apropos  he and the star of Straight Outta Compton introduced the anointed savior of all things serious about the plight of the black community, as entertainment and the uniting glue that keeps us all feeling guilty and somewhat racist.

Lamar Kendrick

Mr. Duckworth (Lamar’s actual last name) is a performance artist. He also seems to have based his stage persona (at least for his appearance on the 2016 Grammys) on a combination of Angry Chris Rock, and this Eddie Murphy character….

NFL Guys

…because there are no country fans in the NBA or MLB or NHL or…oh…I don’t know…in the fucking Country Music Hall of Fame Who Didn’t Die in The Back of a Cadillac And Can Still Read a Teleprompter?

If it had to be Sports People(?) does no one know about the National Rodeo Association?

Sam Hunt

If this is Country music, I’m a hairweave.

Carrie Underwood

At least there was a bit of twang in Carrie’s voice. Hope it’s still there next year. I like ariana__starbucks__grande_by_blugo34-d8dmis1Carrie.

Ariana Grande

One of these costs $8.95 US at Starbucks. (No…seriously…it’s on their Secret Menu)

The Weeknd

There is no ‘e’ in Abel’s stage name because he took it at the last EDM festival he went to and woke up in an RV the next day with a female impersonator and two underage girls and their mother from Glendale. I’m surprised his name isn’t Wknd by now.

Serena Gomez

What a little cutie pie! Even with the stench of Bieber still clinging to her lady parts, she appears to be the same adorable Lolita she was before she discovered the Selena-Gomez-Taylor-Swift-Grammys-2016awesomeness of celebrity power. It was kinda sexy watching her cuddle up to Ms. Swift in the audience…even if it was mandated by the script. I was saddened by her statement claiming that San Diego was ‘just down the street’ from L.A. It is actually a 2 hour hike down the San Diego Freeway on a clear night with no other cars on the road. Mayhap, our little Cutie Pie is not allowed outside the L.A Basin due to existing warrants we know nothing about.

Ellie Goulding and Andra Day

Ellie Goulding is a HUGE star in England and other places not known as the USA. Far bigger and well known than 3/4ths of the singing chicklets warming seats in the audience and gliding across the stage whenever sexy is needed to keep the older and elderly owners of these kids awake during the awards ceremony. Irving Azoff looked like he woke up at the mention of his name. Andra Day, according to Ms. Gomez (known as ‘Short Round’ to me and Harrison Ford), lives ‘just down the street’ in San Diego. I hope she brought flats for the walk home.

A Girl named Cam and Gary Sinise

camCam is a ‘breakout singer/songwriter’ I have never heard of. She apparently is breaking out in the country idiom, or so Google tells me, and seeing as how she has been shoe-horned into this fabulous star making awards show (she IS nominated for her song, “Burning House’), it looks like her label, management, and supporters are willing to throw their weight and their wallets behind her. I wish her all the best. Gary Sinise looks like he is going to breakout in a rash, and like me, wondering what the fuck he is doing there. That said, he and the Latest Artist with One Name introduce the first thing that I enjoyed about this event.

Chris Stapleton and David Cobb

Well I’ll be damned! A COUNTRY album wins the COUNTRY album of the Year Award. Chris Stapleton is the real deal, and the first un-show bizzy person on the stage. short and sweet thank you’s and he intros Dave Cobb…the producer of the album, ‘Traveller‘, that picked up the gramophone trophy. Who is Dave Cobb, you ask?

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Well, aside from being Chris Stapleton’s producer, he also produces among others, a band called Rival Sons. Mr. Cobb deserves all the credit he can get. The Sons new CD drops soon…while they tour the world with Black Sabbath.

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…and on that note, this concludes Part One of the 2016 Grammys As Suffered Through By Yours Truly.

You can show your appreciation by commenting below.

Part Two will run on Monday. Until then…support your local artists, patronize the local clubs, and find a designated driver so you can enjoy the evening out.

Coming Up Monday in Part Two!

LL and James Corden

Tribute to Lionel Ritchie

John Legend

Demi Lovato

Luke Bryan

Meghan Trainor

Tyrese

Lionel sings a bit of All Night Long

Ryan Seacrest!

Little Big Town – Girl Crush

Stevie Wonder and Pentasonic for Maurice White

Sheehan and Amy get song of the year

Glenn Frey Tribute

Anna Kendrick

Irving Azoff

Tori Kelly and James Bay

Colbert

Hamilton

Don Cheadle

Kendrick Lamar (again)

Seth MacFarland

…and MORE!

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Segarini’s column appears whenever an Awards Show makes him cry

Contact us at dbawis@rogers.com

dbawis-button7Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Tilda January 2015Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record

2 Responses to “Segarini – The 2016 Grammys Part One or Dear God, Please Make it Stop!”

  1. I now look forward to this every year. The Oscar’s one too. Who needs to watch? It’s all right here. Great read.

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