Segarini Looks At All the News in a Nutshell
Let me save you the trouble of having to read Tweets, The FB Newsfeed, Your Local Paper, Time Magazine, The New York Times, Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, and the Langley Falls Shopping News. I will also eliminate your having to sit through the Network News, TMZ, Etalk, Vinyl, Empire, and Keeping Up with The Kardashians, and The Sporting News and Sports Illustrated.
Bad Individuals Continue to Do Bad Things to Good People in the Name of Other Stuff But Are Solely to Blame for Their Actions No Matter What They Say Is The Cause.
Commentary: Just because a gang member (Hell’s Angels, Crips, Mormons, Vegans, ISIS, The Republican Party, etc) happens to be a Bulgarian born, dark skinned, devoutly religious, kale loving, Demi Lovato, or Kenny G fan, and is a vicious, murderous, unreasonable, Asshole, it doesn’t mean ALL Bulgarian born, dark skinned, devoutly religious, kale loving, Demi Lovato, or Kenny G fans are Assholes.
You don’t bomb the snot out of Atlanta because some of the residents belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
North American News
Delusional Man Runs for President
Delusional Public Supports Delusional Man’s Run for the Presidency
Crazy People Kill Non-Crazy People
Crazy People Who Don’t Know How to Use Them Carry Guns
Non-Crazy People Who Respect and Know How to Use Guns Keep Them at Home and Use Them for Hunting and Ready to Shoot Crazy People Who Don’t Know How to Use Guns If and When They Ever Try Anything Stupid Like Try to Take Over the Country, Shoot All the Minorities, or Make Free Bird the National Anthem
First Educated and Compassionate President in 8 Years Wraps Up His Presidency By Continuing to Do What He Can for Canada’s Pants Against All Odds
The Loud Uneducated Ill-Informed Minority Continues to Believe Those Who Agree with Them and Ignore Facts and the Truth and Permeate the Media with Nonsense
The Quiet Educated Well Informed Majority Suffers the Impact of the Loud Uneducated Ill-Informed Minority, Goes Shopping
Commentary: It’s like the Roman Empire, only now.
Man Accidently Bumps Into a Woman.
A Different Woman Insists Natural Gas is Costing Her Money, Continues to Look Like Angry Horse
She’s On the Right
Good Looking Politician Replaces Slovenly Fat Politician as Object of Hate and Derision
Everyone is Unhappy About Everything
Bad Coffee Continues to be Popular
Music City Undermined by the Music City Government In Quest to Make the Music City a Music City
Bad French Spoken Occasionally by Small Minority of Bad French Speaking People to Other Bad French Speaking Members of the Bad French Speaking Minority, Usually About How Everyone Who Doesn’t Speak or Understand Badly Spoken French Are Out to Get Them.
Commentary: America’s Hat continues to be consistent, polite, and fortunately has yet to become Canada’s Pants Light, although America’s Hat has now become the leading supplier of what passes for music in Canada’s Pants, which has replaced Moose T-Shirts and lumber as their biggest export.
Many Sportsball Games Are Constantly Played.
Some Players and Teams Win While Others Lose
Sportsball Interrupts Television Viewing
SportsPuck Games Are Also Played in Many Countries
Sportsball and Sportspuck Fans Continue to Hope and Pray for Their Sportsball and Sportspuck Teams
God Turns a Deaf Ear to Sportsball and Sportspuck Fans Prayers
God Revealed to Actually Hate a Specific Sportspuck Team, Makes Them Chronically Horrible
Blue and White Determined to Be Unluckiest Sportsball and Sportspuck Team Colours Ever
Hot Girls in Swimwear Continue to Dominate Sports Illustrated
Commentary: Always remember that without Sportsball and Sportspuck teams, there would be no cheerleaders, Team Dance troupes, or the Swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated. Also Soccer Players for the ladies.
Lowest Common Denominator and Pretentious Faux-Important Movies Vie For Number One at the Box Office
Less Clothes Mean Larger Sales for Female Singers
Madonna and Other Bad Choices Dominate the Planned Prince Tribute
Prince May Have Died In Vain
Doves Continue Crying
Growing Public Concern May Lead to Demands Kanye West Be Returned to Home for the Mentally Challenged
Short Singer Joins Short Pants in Refusing to Leave Money On the Table AC/DC
Drake Still Fooling Public, No Action Taken
Ageing Population Clings to the Music of Their Youth Shuns Everything Else
Rolling Stones Continue to Tour Despite Gout, Liver Spots, and Melty Faces
Martin Scorsese and Mick Jagger Prove No One Remembers the ’60s or ’70s
Resurgence of Vinyl Sales Hints at Unforeseen Disposable Income Controlled By the Elderly
Hipsters Climb Onboard the Elderly Fad, Buy Vinyl, Overalls, 1920s Hair Styles
Television Makes Celebrities of Rich People on Shark Tank and Dragon’s Den
Empire Continues to be Hilarious Parody of Record Industry
I Am Cait Cancelled After Lack of Makeout Footage, Bra Shopping
Radio Finds New Ways to Spin It’s Slow March to the Sea Cites Imaginary Statistics
Anal Bleaching Sweeps Hollywood’s Elite
NSFW – Be Thankful I Didn’t Post the ‘Live Demo’ Video
Talented, Honest, Deserving, Articulate Artists Ask for Nothing Other Than the Joy of Making Music
Commentary: What the fuck is wrong with us?
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Segarini’s regular columns appear here whenever Bob Lefsetz skis Aspen.
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Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.