Segarini Goes to the Billboard Awards

22. Bob on a bar stool

The things I do for love…

Let the GF watch this Dog and Pony show last night while I played Angry Birds and tried to block the incessant screaming out of my head by concentrating on less annoying sounds and sights, like skinning Dick Cheney alive with a Potato Peeler, and watching two far-left Liberals, and two far-right Conservatives battle it out in a tag-team Mud Wrestling Death Match while Hitler and Gilbran shout their lies, rumours, and insipid Meme-isms over a bullhorn.

Nope…this incessant screaming is worse….

cab callowayWhy is it worse, you ask?

Well, Dear Readers, it is worse because it never stops while the ‘performers’ are lip-syncing/singing, which means allll these excited audience members are not listening to what is being lip-synced or sung. They are watching dancing and taking selfies…because, there is mostly no songs or music to be heard. Maybe the kids and the middle aged men who invented today’s modern pop music are onto something…If you don’t listen to it and just look at it, it isn’t all that bad…sort of.

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The Billboard Awards in Order

I will attempt to be kind.

I will fail in the attempt.

  1. Britney Spears

ellaShe looks like a Circus Ringmaster.

Her song’s lyrics are mostly the word “Bitch”.

Oops…there goes the Ringmaster’s outfit, now she looks like she should be riding the lead elephant in a Parade down Main Street when the Circus comes to town.

I grow weary of the word ‘Bitch’.

Oh look! …I see she’s recently had a Brazilian Wax.

Ahhh…a medley of her hits.

Definitely lip-syncing.

Somewhere, a pole is missing a stripper…wait…spoke too soon…there’s the fucking pole.

Screaming…so much screaming….

  1. Ludacris and Some Woman who left her Bra in the Escalade

louis-jordanLudacris: “Yeah! Whadup?”

Beautiful Tall Woman who Left Her Bra in the Escalade” Squints at Teleprompter…remembers where she is and reads, “How Amazing was Britney Spears?”

Drugged(?) Bussed in Audience: “SREEEEAAAMMM!!!”

(Goddammit…!)

Okay…Ludacris just said the woman’s name is Sierra, and after some badly written and recited sexual innuendos, recites her Resume so people like me know she is a singing song-writing acting mother with long legs and gravity defying breasts who just signed an awesome modeling contract.

Well, I’m glad THAT’S cleared up.

…and nice to hear the word “Mother” in a sentence without the usual word that follows it in the ‘lyrics’ these people write.

Now Sierra is bragging on how awesome Ludacris is. There is just so much love scrolling by on that teleprompter! Who wrote this stuff, Oprah? Dr. Phil? Max Martin? …he wrote almost everything else tonight.

More sexual innuendo, bragging, and now Lude called the woman “CC”, so I’m back to square one. Did find out she’s engaged to an NFL guy whose Super Bowl ring is nicer than the one he gave the hot looking lady I have never heard of.

  1. Heidi Klum and Michael Strayhan…um…Strayhand?…not sure.

Heidi Klum appears to be really really really dumb …but she’s Heidi Klum, so…fine…she can be dumb. Nobody cares.

AWARD NUMBER ONE – Best Hot 100 Artist

judy-garland-new-york-1961Justin Bieber

Drake

Fetty Wap

Taylor Swift

Weeknd

The Winner….

The Weeknd!

Three of the five nominees are Canadian, so, you can either be proud or embarrassed, and personally, I wanted Fetty Wap to win so I could have heard Ms. Klum get all excited and confused and call him Wetty Fap. Truth be told, I have no idea what Fetty Wap is. Boy? Girl? Group? Animal? Mineral? Vegetable? Kudos to Mr. and Mrs. Wap for coming up with the name Fetty for whichever it is.

Weeknd – Looks like he just stopped by to deliver a pizza.

First shout out to Prince.

Pop-up window informs me that Shawn Mendes performs in six minutes…just long enough for me to grab a shower.

Weeknd actually sounds like a nice guy…so there’s that.

  1. A Woman from The Bachelorette.

Warhol was right…EVERYBODY gets 15…fucking EVERYBODY!

She’s onstage just long enough to introduce…

  1. Shawn Mendes

Promotional studio portrait of American singer and actor Frank Sinatra, 1950s. (Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images)

Awww…poor kid is in his room alone with a crappy black and white TV that can’t even pick up a local station, he’s sitting on a single bed playing his acoustic guitar. He looks sooo sad, and it is faux-raining outside. As incredible as it may seem, the screaming continues unabated, even through this wonderful ballad every 16 year old kid has written since the introduction of the Power Ballad back in the ’70s ….I may have even written one of these…but hmmm…nah. Oh! Change-up! Mendes has put down the guitar and has walked out of the sad single bed faux-bedroom and into an awesome music room with crouching person/hidden guitarist in the corner and a grand piano…wait…what? …ne can play TWO different instruments!? Mind Blown! Oh…no…sorry…I have known dozens of 16 year old kids who could play multiple instruments, sing, and write…I guess they said ‘no’ when offered celebrity and money in exchange for indentured slavery. (In reality, I have no idea at all if young Mendes did indeed sign an indentured slavery contract, but for the sake of my comedic treatment of today’s seemingly horrific mainstream music and the audience it has cultivated, I am assuming he has. The screaming is probably making me even more cynical than I actually am.) Let’s see how well young Mendes does with those 88 keys….ahhh…okay chording.  …and isn’t that cute! He has embraced the Michael Jackson breath catch, slightly hiccupping the words old school like the second wave of Boy Bands. Young Mendes pays tribute to the Old Ways. Respect!

mel-torme-351122The audience is now standing in awe and just burst into spontaneous applause at hearing a three note repeated mini-arpeggio flawlessly performed by Young Mendes’ right hand.

Song ends with Young Mendes choking out the last (inaudible) words of the ‘song’ without the walls being drawn back to reveal scantily clad dancers, (winning!) and we get a brief look at country music star Steven Tyler in the audience chewing gum and talking to some blonde, clearly too old to get the musical genius of Young Mendes.

  1. Ludacris and Tall Braless Sierra CC

…who have changed clothes and are reading to us about the next award. Will there be lame banter? …let’s listen….

Nope.

AWARD NUMBER TWO – Billboard Chart Achievement

peg180Adele

Drake

Little Big Town

Rihanna

The Weeknd

The Winner….

Oh shit! This a “Call now and Vote!” award. Oh, the suspense! Here’s the actual next award according to Tall Braless and Ludacris….

ACTUAL AWARD NUMBER TWO – Top Hot 100 Song

Ohhhh! Famed singer songwriter guitarist Aston Kutcher is here to announce this one. Ason shares the fact he sings these songs in the car and the shower (according to the teleprompter)!

Adele – Hello

Fetty Wap – Trap Queen (children at home should not be told what this means)

Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth – See You Again

The Weeknd – Can’t Feel My Face

The Weeknd – The Hills

The Winner….

Wiz Khalifa. Thadly, there wath no Puth…he mutht have been home thick.

imagesBraless and Ludacris are back in the same clothes and introduce the group 5th Harmony featuring someone whose name was mumbled.

Okay…Five scantily clad young girls with stripper moves and no poles (What? Again?) and a lead singer who is unfamiliar with the word ‘enunciate’ and it’s meaning. Goodie…the second lead singer can be understood. The third lead singer has the easiest verse…mostly repeating the word ‘work’ and touching herself while the other girls touch themselves…still no poles. The pole people are not very punctual tonight. Must be lots of traffic. all five girls make it down the stairs without a casualty…lookin’ good! Still singing ‘work’ and touching stuff. Breath-y fourth lead singer goes back to mumble town…a new lineup of young scantily clad dancers have taken the stage behind Fifth Harmony. Tallest, meatiest fifth lead singer sings a few words and now we’re back to ‘workworkworkworkworkwork’ …one of the writers must have missed a songwriting meeting, or is just the laziest one at the trough.

Dreadlocked rapper struts onstage, says stuff…young girls touch him, he don’t care…he cool. Rapper wanders off stage while young girls keep ‘singing and still no poles!

  1. Saria(sp?) and Someone from the TV series Quantico

They introduce Megan Trainor.

  1. Megan Tranor

ca. 1930-1950 --- Lena Horne Singing --- Image by © John Springer Collection/CORBIS

I like Megan Trainor. …this song, not so much, although it do have  great groove. Ah, crap…more unnecessary dancers.  The Dance Lobby in Washington DC must be as powerful as the NRA Lobby. Seems like you cannot perform an imaginary song these days without a dozen of these hoofers showing up on stage in their underwear and waiting for their poles to arrive.

I’ve got to pick up the paced here…I’m starting to get kind of woozy. Do they make a Hazmat Suit for prolonged exposure to this stuff, or am I destined to buy a selfie stick, dance with my butt sticking out and make duck faces?

Going into Digest mode…shorter, sweeter, quicker….

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Mark Cuban looks like a comic book character, and the current Miss America looks like a Republican Mid west wife and she talks through her nose, and you can bounce quarters off of her hair.

images (2)Thom Rhett wins Country song, his wife is hot and wearing a dress that doesn’t make her look needy, and Little Big Town should have won, even though none of it sounds like country music.

Some DJ who pronounces ‘time’ as ‘tam’ barkers T-Mobile and introduces Justin Bieber, citing his having three songs in the Billboard top 5 at the ‘same dam tam’ jus’ lak da Beatos’.

Biebs shows up surrounded by special effects and a heard of dance-y people looking like he just fell off a skateboard and ripped his pants and is sporting a “you’re in the Army now’ buzz cut. The boy writes a decent song, but you couldn’t hear it at the show thanks to screaming. He leaves the stage without saying a word.

We are blessed.

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The cast of “Bad Moms” ( a movie, not a cause for alarm), make sex jokes and barker their current projects and introduce what appears to be a female impersonator.

Oh. It’s Pink doing her Circus Act.

DANCERS! Didn’t see that coming.

Seriously…it’s like watching Devine after a year on Jenny Craig meals.

I wonder if Pink lives in a tree house….

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samcooke-306-1372265313Jessica Alba…dressed like a widow in black lace…which is a step-up from all the underpants we’ve seen so far.

The Biebs picks up Top Male Vocalist. Upon hearing his win, he looks like he has been asked to move his car.

jesus…this kid dresses like shit.

Thanks Family, God, and Beliebers. Leaves the stage… Cool….

Nick Jonas…pants and a jacket

Woman with Jonas…Underwear and, what is that…a shawl?…Shroud?…Sheet died black? Whatever it is she is wearing it around her neck like she didn’t have time to actually wear it.

Demi Lovato…Sang for a minute, but now the yelling…always with the yelling. I LOVE YOU TOO!!!

Lucas Graham…with a band. HTF did that happen? They look miserable…like they lost a bar bet.

4929A Fall Out Boy and Thomas Rhett…Rhett in a nice suit and tie looking like a winner, Fall Out Boy in a bunch of stuff from Wal Mart, looking like a stockboy, introduce…

Brett Shelton and Gwen “Is this enough lipstick?” Stefani.

Shelton and his band dressed to play a nice club, Gwen overdressed in a see through rhinestone studded floor legth red carpet attention getter but with a surprising little lipstick. You can, for the first time, see her actual lips…they are not anywhere near as huge as she paints them.

Two more women I have never heard of introduce…

DNCE…whose ‘a’ is probably somewhere having sex with The Weeknd’s ‘e’. I am hearing their ‘smash hit’ for the first time, have never heard of them, and am flatlined at the sing/rap combo employed here to create whatever it is this is…kind of a familiar mainstream rap/sing construct just perfect for whatever it was created for. Mesmerising.  Maybe their name is not missing an ‘a’…maybe it is missing a ‘u’.

…I don’t know how much longer I can subject myself to this. I am starting to get a rash….

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Marvin-GayeWhoa. Kate Beckinsale. Dressed like a grown up. Could this be a turning point? Have the younger kids been sent off to bed?

Nope.

Screaming…so much screaming. Who gave all these kids so much sugar?

Had to pause this to remind myself what an honestly attractive woman with sartorial sense looks like. She is the equivalent of a breath of pure mountain air and a walk on a beach…quite a change from a mouth full of Doritos and a walk to the Port-a-Potty.

Top Album goes to Adele. She yells too much for me, but I guess the kids can hear her over all their screaming. I’m surprised Demi Lovato didn’t even get a Nom…pretty sure she could yell I LOVE YOU louder than Adele.

Maybe next year, Billboard can have a Yell Off.

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A pre-recorded thank you from Adele in which she graciously avoids yawning and almost cracks a smile

Debut of Adele’s new video. Great groove, World Music vibe.

She is wearing my Grandmother’s living room drapes.

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images (1)Kesha sings Dylan. The Turtles have nothing to worry about. Never thought of ‘It Ain’t Me Babe’ as a heart breaking ballad, and after hearing it as a heart breaking ballad, I still don’t think of it that way. She dressed like Col. Sanders.

Now I want chicken.

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Top R&B song goes to The Weeknd for ‘The Hills’.

Apparently, no R&B songs were available. Or nominated. Or something.

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Rihanna is a fine singer and resplendent in seagreen fun fur and tight pants. …if she could only find the notes in the melody without the Mariah Carey habit of singing every other available note before she finds it.

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Someone named Theo (who looks like The Martian Manhunter except he isn’t green) introduces Celine Dion after explaining what the word ‘Icon’ means to the kids who skipped school for this.

Celine brings it…and class…and actual ‘Show Business’ as it was perceived before being reinvented in a Circus Tent in the 1990s.

Celine’s son presents her with the Billboard Icon Award, the one truly sweet and honest moment of the entire night.

I admit it.

I teared up.

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KIA Sportage tips an Aussie kid who must be all of the age to drive. He gets a spot (and KIA gets an ad). And like ALL these performers, Troye Sivan has a good voice…but like Billy Squire, he should never dance in public again.

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Bonnie-Raitt-M-4The Go Gos.

I am a Bangles fan.

After the Go Gos performance, I questioned my choice.

Took about a second.

I am still a Bangles fan.

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Remember the ‘Billboard Chart Achievement Award I mentioned about 2000 words ago? Well…the fans selected Rihanna as the winner. And now you know.

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Keep your eye (and ear) on Ariana Grande. Out of all the horses in this race, Ms. Grande has a bucketful of talent that far surpasses her swell voice and earnestness. Here’s hoping she chooses wisely in the coming years.

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Steven Tyler reads the Top Artist of the Year winner as Adele. yep. He even showed us her name. So Adele is the Top Artist of the Year.

Adele.

Top Artist.

Billboard.

Tyler is still ‘Guest Star on 2 and a 1/2 Men cool.

Yes he is.

Adele sends another pre-recorded thank you which is exactly the same as the first one except she is now, “Super Chuffed”.

I, however, am Chuffless.

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Prince_PKG_0900_220416_qtp_848x480_671659075648Madonna sings a tribute to Sinead O’Conner and drags Stevie Wonder on stage for Purple Rain.

There is not enough alcohol in my apartment to enable me to say anything positive about this.

Sorry, Prince. …but I’m sure Morris, The Time, Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, Sheila E. and all your REAL friends will get it right for years to come.

The music and musicians have your back.

Goodnight.

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Any Questions or comments, please write them in the Comment Section below.

Your Comments Are Welcome

Segarini’s regular columns appear here whenever his socks match.

Contact us at dbawis@rogers.com

dbawis-button7Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Tilda January 2015Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.

3 Responses to “Segarini Goes to the Billboard Awards”

  1. Excellent read! ….and hilarious…just about choked on my kale salad reading about DNCE’s “a” and Weeknd’s “e”. Good one. Who woulda thunk….. Anybody called the National Enquirer? Loved this column!

  2. Kathy O'Brien Says:

    Loved the column….LMAO

  3. Mike Adamson Says:

    and get off my damned lawn!

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