Segarini – Excerpts from “The Portable Bob” Part One
If all goes according to plan, this October will see the release of my first book, “The Portable Bob” which is a collection of some of my favourite DBAWIS columns and some new, never published stories and articles.
Today and tomorrow, I am sharing some of the excerpts from the book with you, and would like you to use the comment section below to let me know what columns and stories YOU would like to see reprinted, updated, or elaborated on, AND if there is anything NEW you would like me to write about. Also take a look at the gallery of potential Book Covers at the bottom of the column and let us know which one(s) you like, or suggest a totally different idea. Let your thoughts be known in the comment section below. A few of you will be winning an autographed copy of the tome just ahead of its release. Details tomorrow.
No Cam this week, the boy is just swamped with work and family, and I would like to wish him, and all of you, a joyous, safe, and happy Canada Day Weekend, in the Greatest City and Country known to Man.
Canada…The American Dream.
Excerpts From The Portable Bob
A Note From My Mom
Please excuse Bob for being unavailable to you for the past 3 weeks. The little darling caught a bad bacterial flu and has not been his adorable mischievous self or able to do any of his chores. Fortunately for me, here at home, he is not very helpful even when he is firing on all 8 cylinders, so the ungodly mess, odd odours emanating from the refrigerator, and the curious pair of socks standing in the corner all by themselves with no feet in them, makes it seem like he is just fine, just not in the room with me.
Like most boys, he does not do ‘sick’ very well. These ‘tough guys’ who will normally work through anything they may encounter that threatens to impede their forward motion, are simply helpless in the face of a cold that doesn’t go away after the first bottle of medicinal bourbon. If they can’t shake it off, they simply give up like a 12 year old girl who doesn’t get a pony for her birthday, and turn into angry, sullen, miserable, little shits.
Bob spent the majority of his illness curled up in a ball on his bed, cursing the wind under his breath, (he blames the wind for all the ills in the world, and any sickness he ever gets. He also blames the wind for Donald Trump, Adele’s new CD, and sportsball shoving Bob’s Burgers, Family Guy, and the Simpsons off the air and ruining his Sunday nights. I have to hide his Baseball bat when they are pre-empted, because that TV cost a fortune, and I am NOT replacing it again just because the Little Prince has a runny nose.), and begging God to let him want to have a drink and then many drinks until the craptastic flu-thing was finally driven out. Unfortunately, the pleading was kind of garbled because of the 20 minute coughing fits which usually ended up with a baseball size lump of phlegm disgustingly dislodging itself from his throat and just missing the wastepaper basket next to his bed, land on the floor with a squishy ‘plop’ before it oozed under the bed to hide with all the other sportsball sized lumps of phlegm. giving him the night terrors and unable to sleep, until I brought him his Willie Mays model Louisville Slugger to sleep with, just in case the lumps attacked him in the middle of the night.
You know how boys are…everything is fine as long as they have a baseball bat. …and God, because God misheard Bob’s prayers for the ability to kill this flu with alcohol, gave him projectile diarrhea instead, a fact not lost on Bob, so he’s pretty pissed off at God right now too, and one night prayed to God to “get your fucking ears checked” so there were no more ‘misunderstandings’.
He also was unable to smoke, which did not help his mood or demeanour in the slightest. At one point he told me that if he was still sick by Christmas, he would beat Santa Claus to death for being a fat, stupid bastard who never came through with a second season of Bunheads or let Newt and Hicks live when David Fincher shit all over the Alien franchise. He is bad enough if he runs out of cigarettes for an hour, but being too sick to smoke for almost 10 days…he could easily throw a BMW through the front window at the Apple Store and then run in and smash every iThis and iThat in the building, his Apple Hate unfettered can be…well…you don’t want to see that. It’s the kind of anger and frustration known only to those who have been trapped in an elevator with a loopy Republican Fear Monger or a Classic Rock Purist.
Anyway, Facebook, WordPress, Friends, Family, and his beloved LCBO, he apologizes for ignoring you all while clinging to his sanity and being sick this long and begs your forgiveness. He also promises to just go back to his normal state of mind which is just clinging to his sanity, staying out of the wind, and also promises to make nice with God and apologize to Him for calling Him a “A Big Bag of Holy Dicks” over the whole ‘diarrhea’ thing.
This note is to let you know that he really was sick, and not goofing off, or in Costa Rica boning drunk tourist’s wives while their husbands played golf at an “All Inclusive” Resort where they give you beads to buy as many drinks as you want.
…of course, there is no guarantee that the next time he says he’s sick, that he won’t be sitting at the pool bar at The Handy Dandy Sandy Beach Spa and Resort in the Dominican Republic spending his beads chatting up a bored housewife from Des Moines while her husband is searching for his balls on the back 9…you know our Bobby, he can be such the little rascal!
I am not, by nature, a nostalgic person. I do not pine for my youth, I do not dream of going back in time because they were better days, and I do not believe for one minute that everything was better in the “good old days”, especially considering that for some of you, the “good old days” were the ‘90s….
I am a man who was born between generations. After the 2nd world war, but before the baby boom. The fact is, I was born just days after VJ day, the surrender of Japan to the US, which eventually led to the Japanese domination of the automotive, gaming, and electronic equipment industries, not to mention robotics, and Hello Kitty. The Germans didn’t do too badly either, I’m typing this on one of their incredible computers.
If that’s losing, I’m a donut.
When I say I am not a nostalgic person, it doesn’t mean that I don’t look back at my childhood without fondness. Quite the contrary, I was blessed with a childhood that I would put up against anyone’s as being near perfect. Not in the sense that it was all unicorns and rainbows or informed by Richie Rich amounts of money and toys, etc, nor was it in a spotlight of adulation or fame, exotic travel or Christmas and birthday gifts consisting of puppies, ponies, and my very own golden ticket to Wonkaville. And even though my childhood was and remains a wonderful experience, it took place at a time when the world had just as many problems as it has now…we just weren’t aware of a lot of them, but the ones we were aware of were more than enough.
Looking back through rose coloured glasses is how most people tend to view the past, erasing the bad and embracing the good. It is the difference between nostalgia, and actual memories. We tend to forget the bad times and shunt them aside, just out of view and eventually out of mind. I believe that recalling the bad with the good makes the happy memories even more special, more meaningful, and to dismiss them or sweep them under the rug turns memories into fiction. It also makes it damn near impossible for those who long for their nostalgic belief that everything was better, to move forward with the ability and desire to accept or even acknowledge new experiences, new technology, and new culture. You must know some of these people. They who decry the latest music/fashion/trends, the friends who claim they have seen “all the great bands”, or “they just don’t build ‘em like they used to”, and the universal response to a great many things summed up in just two words which say nothing, but mean everything.
To be honest, nothing sucks. Really, not to everyone, but a lot of us have trouble saying “to each his own”, or, “something for everyone”, or “that’s not to my taste”. It’s just easier to blow things off with a dismissive, “That Sucks!” and go back to our Elvis records, Beatle collections, Led Zeppelin T Shirts, Nirvana CDs, Prince videos or Maroon 5 downloads…depending on when your “Good Old Days” happen to reside.
We all start off with the previous generation’s culture. Not because we want to, but when we start to become cognizant of the world around us, our generation hasn’t created anything to call our own. …and we don’t until we find ourselves inspired by that which already exists and has withstood the test of time long enough for us to be exposed to it. Eventually, we take the pieces of what we are exposed to that engage us, throw ourselves into first imitating it, then adding to it, until finally, we either create or discover something that is unique to us. Those are the beginnings of our own cultural ascension and contributions. We get begat…otherwise, nothing would ever change. Conservatives from my generation, for example, live to ‘go back’ to Norman Rockwell basics, forgetting that with Mr. Rockwell comes segregation, class warfare, cold wars, military escalation, suppression, repression, and Elvis would still be driving a truck.
Where’s Jesus When We Need Him?
There was a time when Jesus was the only person who ever came back from the dead.
Oh sure, they kill off Superheroes all the time now, and they come back too, but Jesus…Jesus was Numero Uno.
The first Superhero, the Son of God, dead as a doornail, hanging on a wooden cross for all to see, miraculously rises from the dead days later and wanders into the desert, never to be seen again. I mean, he could have easily declared himself President of Everything and people would have had no problem with him being in charge, but no…the Dude just takes off and everyone shrugs and goes back to tilling the soil, fighting over a few hectares of sand, and coveting stuff. 2000 years later, we are still doing the same thing.
We have a very slow learning curve.
2000 years is a long time to wait for someone to come back from anywhere. Seriously, even delusional wives and traumatized children give up within a couple of weeks when Daddy goes out for a pack of cigarettes or a newspaper and never returns.
We have trouble waiting for next week’s installment of our favourite TV show, popcorn to pop, or pizza to be delivered. We curse and honk our horns if the light doesn’t change quickly enough, and we are loathe to be kept waiting while someone takes their sweet time backing out of the only Shopping Mall parking space about to become available.
And what if Jesus does show up with a new pack of Smokes in his pocket and a newspaper under his arm?
Does he even have a pocket in that robe?
Considering today’s mood and mindset, at least one of these things would greet his arrival….
Arrested as a possible terrorist.
Beaten up for wearing a dress.
Shot by a conservative white man who felt threatened by his swarthy complexion and unkempt appearance.
Shot by the police.
Refused service in Indiana.
Declared insane by a team of medical experts and psychologists.
Denounced as an imposter because everybody knows Jesus is a good looking white guy with dirty blonde hair and sports Metrosexual manscaping.
No wonder he hasn’t come back….
The Helpline and Handy Hints
There are so many troubling aspects to today’s herp-a-derp world. Things change every 38 seconds. ‘What to do’ becomes a dizzying maelstrom of decisions and choices, and trying to figure out if a hipster is being forthcoming or ironic is near impossible. We live not in the Atomic, Industrial, or Teen age, we are the occupants of the Age of Overwhelming Amounts of Information, Most of Which is Bullshit.
I know, I know, “How can we successfully navigate this brave new world of Instant Oatmeal, Microwave Popcorn, Angry Birds, and piano playing felines?” That is the question I am asked almost daily, sometimes more, like maybe two times daily or, “a day”. Well, Sally Smart-Phone, and Jimmy iPad, fear no more. I’m Bob…and I am here to help.
Q: Aloha, Bob…I’m confused. Now that I am 18 years old, I want to affiliate with a political party and vote in the next election. After consulting my friends and family, I am torn between my conservative upbringing and my liberal leanings. I want to do the right thing, but I can’t decide which way to go. Help me, please. I want to cast my vote and make a difference. – Kevin in Maui
A: Well, Kevin…none of it really matters. Your vote doesn’t mean a damn thing. My advice to you is to stay undecided and butt out. Take up a hobby like record collecting or pulling the wings off of flies, and turn your attention to distracting entertainments like television and making crank calls. The best place to be during and after the next election is under your bed.
The Far Right and the Bleeding Heart Liberals are our worst enemies. Together, they drive the middle apart, and toss common sense aside like one of Justin Bieber’s hookers. Think of them as well armed fear mongers against guns riding unicorns over a rainbow bridge to a mud slinging party after stopping to feed the homeless and then beat them with shovels. Stay neutral. If you care about your government, avoid politics.
Q: Yo, Bob. Jus’ droppin’ sum fine beats in ma home studio and crushin’ on sum Drake and JayZ. Flippin’ on Iggy’s big summer hit, “Pussy” and wonderin’ if you dig it too. Tell me dis…music be so much beddah now den de olden daze, howcuz it don’t get no respect fum yo ass? Serious, dawg, how can you not luv dis side? Jus’ look at dat ass! – Todd Vanderhooten III/MC BootyBoy, from my iPhone at da beach
A: Well, Todd…first of all, I think the song would have been much better if she sang “Kitty” instead of “Pussy”, because some people might think the song is about a girl part instead of our adorable feline companions. A nice young and well educated man like yourself is bright enough to know that this is a loving and sweet tribute to our little furry friends, and not some lascivious ode to a girly part best left for your wedding night. I am saddened by the way some young people might be shocked and even traumatized if they were not intelligent enough to be able to understand the words, and possibly take it the wrong way, and I surely hope that doesn’t happen at all…or at least, not often. It is a cute song, but more for you young guys and gals and not us old folks. Most of us don’t have kitties anymore because we might lose them to Kitty Heaven because they don’t live as long as we do, or we will pass away on the kitchen floor before they are gone, and they would probably eat us if no one came by the home to feed them. Your young kitty lover does have a nice ass, though.
Q: Dear Bob. Although I know I should really, really like her, I am concerned that I cannot bring myself to worship at the Shrine of Adele. I mean, she’s okay and everything, but I don’t really ‘feel’ her voice, or her songs, or why she just makes me afraid my boyfriend is going to break up with me and then I’LL have to sing about it. My girlfriends are all starting to look at me like I’m a weirdo when we get together to discuss ’50 Shades of Grey” and drink a box of wine. What should I do? – Betty
A: The solution is simple, Betty; Lie. If you really want to keep your girlfriends, just lie. If they play her music at your gatherings, claim irritated bowel syndrome and go hide in the bathroom (sneak your iPod in and listen to YOUR music). If they get tickets to see her live, use one of these 3 excuses: Grandmother’s funeral. Shoe Sale. Jury Duty. Keep it simple, and you will not be found out.
Q: Hey Bob! Fuck, man, I got a new 70 inch LCD 3D flatscreen and hooked it up in my den. I tried to watch the game on Sunday but my wife was watching some movie about some woman who just had a miserable life and cried a lot and then got some disease I couldn’t even pronounce, and her life got even more shitty, and now everybody in the movie is crying and so is my wife, and then the kids come in and ask what’s wrong with mom, and our oldest, Nikki, starts crying, and tells the little ones we’re getting a divorce, and now my whole family is crying, and I missed the fucking game trying to straighten the whole thing out and then my wife starts yelling at me because I couldn’t see how beautiful that movie was and then got really pissed when I told her it wasn’t even fucking real, and now I think she actually does want a divorce. What should I do? – Burt
A: First things first, Burt. Tell your wife you sold the TV and hide it at one of your friend’s houses. Then, if you have anything else you love, like a Marshall Amp Beer Fridge, a collection of Penthouse Variations, or a DVD copy of Deep Throat or The Devil in Miss Jones, hide those too. Be sullen and angry. If you don’t already drink a lot, start. Don’t bathe or shave and don’t forget to yell at the kids. Then, get the divorce, move into a sweet little condo, and retrieve your stuff. Problem solved!
Q: I recently bought a 1991 Gibson Les Paul with Humbucking pickups and a custom candy apple red finish. It also features a Porkworth 57a22 hardwire Felfman keel complete with Whammy jack, Delson mini clarts, and a fine set of Benhouse U77 faux pearl luminous tuning pegs with slip guard, and unlimited placement settings. It has a padded back, an armrest, and a hand painted, life like cigarette burn on the headstock where actual cigarettes used to be placed. The case is covered in stickers from all 50 states, 10 provinces, England and Chad. The interior is crushed red velvet, has a storage compartment that will hold 12 picks, an extra set of strings, and a 700 ml bottle of Jack Daniels. It also smells like beer. Here’s the problem. This guitar and case are fuckingawesome! Everybody comments on how beautiful it is and are envious of the setup. Unfortunately, no matter what I plug it into, what pedals, I use, or how well I play Enter Sandman, Black Dog, or Highway to Hell, it always sounds like shit. What can I do? – Wayne “Shred-Man” Wilson
A: Relax, Dude. That guitar sounds like a fantastic instrument. Draws attention, and I’ll bet the ladies love it. You’ve got a keeper there. Seriously, I’d be surprised if anyone will notice that it sounds like shit. Just turn it up, man.
Howard from Brampton
Q: Hi Bob. Why are the Rolling Stones still so popular?
Perplexed in Peoria
A: Well, Perp, the Rolling Stones are an institution. Like the Pride Parade, the 4th of July, and a cavity search at the airport. They have earned our respect, and continue to make fine music for adventurous young people and millions of aging Baby Boomers whose lives depend on the comfort of looking forward to a new Rolling Stones record or tour, another repackaging of The Beatles catalogue, and more Star Wars movies. The longer they can function, the longer we can all feel younger and productive. If it weren’t for The Stones, many aging Boomers would just give up, spending their nights in bed and their days under it. Personally, they are an inspiration to me and millions like me. If they can still make music…I can still make it to the bathroom before I start to pee.
Q: My kids are taking me to a concert for my birthday. They want it to be a surprise, so they won’t tell me who we’re going to see. I’m worried it will either be too loud, or an act I don’t want to hear. I don’t want to tell that to the kids, but I need to know if there is anything I can do to make sure I can at least appear to have a great time with my wonderful children. Any suggestions, Bob? – Lawrence Feldman
A: If I had a nickel for every time I have been asked this question, I would have a heck of a lot of nickels! Seriously, Lawrence, there is a simple way to ensure that you, and your family have a great time even if you hate the show they take you to. Here’s all you need to do. First, purchase a box of Exlax or other fine laxative. Make sure they are the kind that look like chocolate. If those have been discontinued or simply no longer exist, any liquid one will do, but make sure you pour it into a screw-top plastic bottle of pop, which you can buy at the venue. It is your back-up plan. Next, make sure you bring two (2) Number 2 wooden pencils with you. These are almost a foolproof solution to your problem. If the band or artist is way too loud, just snap off the erasers from the ends of the pencils and shove them in your ears (there’s one on the left side of your head, and one on the right). Problem solved! If you can still hear the artist and you cannot stand their music, make sure your pencils are sharpened before leaving home for the concert, quickly remove the erasers from your ears, and jab the sharpened ends of the pencils into your ears where the erasers were. Hear anything? Hell no! Problem solved. If the blood flowing from your ears isn’t enough to let the kids allow you to leave, simply drink the soda pop you bought. They’ll beg you to leave in a matter of minutes and no feelings will be hurt. Happy Birthday, Lawrence!
Q: Dear Bob. I saw in the Internet that people think the world is going to end. I’m scared. What can I do?
A: Well, Timmy (and the dozens of you who also sent this question), you can relax. This is not the first time this scary thing has been bandied about. The world does end for everyone, but not all at once. For example, Mitt Romney’s world ended on November 6th, 2012, and he did not see that coming. Usually, no one sees it coming until just before the plane crashes or the stove explodes, or the parachute doesn’t open. I’m guessing you’re a young fella, Timmy, so unless you do really stupid stuff, like walk down railroad tracks listening to Death Metal on your iPhone, or decide to drink something from the cupboard under the sink, or play with daddy’s guns (and ammo, which is usually in the night stand with the gun or in his sock drawer) you have a long, long time to worry about waking up on the wrong side of the lawn. So Timmy, do your homework, listen to your mother and father, and just say no to drugs most of the time!
Q: Bob…Facebook is FUCKED, man! Now they want to steal our stuff and use our own information against us, and God knows what else. And that Timeline thing is FUCKED, man. I HATE it! Why do they keep changing shit, man, WHY!!!??? I need to protect myself from them, man. Seriously, man. What can I do, man? – Sonny D
A: Sonny, Sonny, Sonny. There are three things you can do; Decline to sign up for a Facebook account (too late for that one), Bilaterally negotiate a modified account with Facebook, or Cancel your Facebook account. Well, you don’t want to do that because then the millions of people you already share your information with won’t be able to enjoy it anymore, and that’s the sole reason a billion people joined Facebook…to share their information. At any rate, I have a foolproof solution for your problem, Sonny.
Just copy and paste the following in your status window and you will be protected. That’s all you have to do. Seriously. Protected. Just copy and share this and like it and use it as your status. Go ahead. Do it, Sonny. Do it NOW!
The Facebook Solution
In response to the new Facebook guidelines I hereby declare that I’m a bit bored and would really enjoy a sandwich about now. Dudley Do-Right is attached to all of my personal details, illustrations, comics, paintings, photos, videos, nail-clippings, tin-foil hats, absurd Internet Proclamations, abused dogs, cute kitties, and drunk 20-something’s mobile pictures of themselves, so be forewarned. And people who post pictures of food that they think the rest of us (some of whom could REALLY use a sandwich) will want to steal and use against them are probably just dizzy as a result of Mercury being in Gatorade.
For commercial use of anything on my Facebook Timeline, a note from your Gynecologist is required along with a recent picture of the troubled area.
(Anyone reading this can copy this text and paste it on their Facebook Timeline, but seriously, making up something of your own is much more satisfying, creative, and possibly good for your health. This will not place anything under protection of copyright laws, nor will it help you get a date or cure that rash on your butt.) By the present communiqué, (by which I mean this written thingy you’re still reading for some insane reason known only to yourself), I notify Facebook that it is strictly forbidden to dance the Macarena at a funeral, teach a horse to cheat at cards, and listen to current ‘hit’ radio without wanting to punch a 13 year old in the throat for making his or her musical taste important to a bunch of otherwise intelligent adults. If you distribute, disseminate, or take any other action against me on the basis of this profile and/or its contents, and I feel I will be affected negatively or in someway impacted by it, I will consider myself paranoid, gullible, and kind of silly, but will nevertheless track you down, scratch “Tattletale!” on the side of your Prius or Camry, Call you a liar on Twitter, and teach your cat or dog to crap in your shoes. The aforementioned prohibited actions also apply to shut-ins, Carnival barkers, crossing guards, stoolies, Samoan doormen, people who honestly believe kale chips taste good, and/or anyone who uses tofu in their meat recipes. The content of this profile is private and confidential information. I can’t imagine that I am so interesting that another human being would desperately need to spend any time at all being interested in me when they have a perfectly good life of their own. The violation of my privacy is punishable by law (UCC 1 1-308-308 1-103 and the Rome Statute), unless you visit Snopes or do some research and find out that those two things are completely useless. Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to make a sandwich. I will not be posting a picture of it on Facebook, just in case somebody might want to steal it. Problem Solved!
The Seething Masses
Is it just me, or is damn near everybody out there up to their necks in barely contained rage? Everywhere you look there are Haters, Bullies, Whiners, Protesters, Maniacal Ranters, Incensed Armchair Quarterbacks, Festering Know-It-Alls, Fear and Rumour Mongers, Doubters, Glass Eyed Gullibles, Spoilers, Pious Self-Righteous Accusers, Judges and Jurys, Namby-Pamby Apologists, Knuckle Draggers, Sycophants, Doomsayers, Nay Sayers, and Poltroons…especially Poltroons.
I intensely dislike Poltroons….
Nowhere on Earth is this Flock of Me-Gulls more evident than in the Hallowed Halls of Social Media…and when I say “Social Media”, I mainly mean Facebook.
Ahhh, Facebook…last freehold of the disenfranchised middle aged middle class. Was anyone surprised when it was announced that vast numbers of young people had escaped the confines of Facebook for even more venal pastures like Instagram, SnapChat, and Tumblr?
I’d leave too, if my mother or grandmother poked me and invited me to play Candy Crush, or was checking out my bathroom selfies and my status update about how drunk I got last night at the club. Ewww….
So instead of Facebook being where young people wax philosophically about My Little Drake, Jay Zzzz, or True Blood, it has become where Facebook Fogeys wax philosophically about what they had for dinner, politics, sports, their awesome collections of whatever, and post links to ‘60s and ‘70s songs on YouTube that are so worn out, you can almost hear the rust and dust falling off of them. Seriously…does ANYONE need to post the link to Smoke on the Water or She Loves You again…ever? Seriously?
We all have an opinion…and we all have the inalienable right to express it.
An opinion is this:
noun: opinion; plural noun: opinions
- a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.
“I’m writing to voice my opinion on an issue of great importance”
|synonyms:||belief, judgment, thought(s), (way of) thinking, mind, (point of) view,viewpoint, outlook, attitude, stance, position, perspective, persuasion,standpoint; More|
- the beliefs or views of a large number or majority of people about a particular thing.
“the changing climate of opinion”
- an estimation of the quality or worth of someone or something.
“I had a higher opinion of myself than I deserved”
- a formal statement of advice by an expert on a professional matter.
“seeking a second opinion from a specialist”
a formal statement of reasons for a judgment given.
a lawyer’s advice on the merits of a case.
For a more detailed definition of “Opinion”, go here:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opinion
That said…an opinion can be as wrong-headed as is humanly possible, and not being able to call into play some hard facts, or at least anexplanation as to how you arrived at your opinion, will make your opinion moot to others, except those who share your opinion. The problem with that is, if your opinions turns out to be erroneous in fact, or proven to be uninformed at a later date, your opinions will eventually be ignored by everyone…and in MY opinion, I don’t believe anyone wants that. Business professionals, lawyers, and doctors, etc, can lose their jobs and credibility if they express less than informed opinions in their work. The rest of us, well…we just end up looking stupid…bigger asses than the Kardashians have.
So…an opinion does not have to be based on facts or reality. I’ll accept that. But when your opinion is put to use spreading fear and rumours, and bullshit, I draw the line. Google search is your friend. If you learn how to use it and are diligent, you can research those news stories you want to share and avoid making a fool of yourself and annoying the rest of us. Make SURE the sky is falling before you post the article that scared you half to death, and make sure there IS a wolf stalking you before you cry “WOLF!” …otherwise, someday, if you ARE attacked by an actual wolf, we will just shake our heads and keep playing Candy Crush until your remaining arm is torn to shreds and ends up with the rest of you in wolf tummies.
…at least, that’s my opinion.
Hi! My Name is Betty, and I Love Beyonce, Always Tell the Truth, Am Spiritual, Gentle, and Kind, Dance Like No One is Watching, Don’t Give a Fuck, and I’m AWESOME!
I have a problem when people tell me what they are like instead of letting me find out what they’re like through getting to know them and interacting with them over a period of time. Not sure why, but I become wary when someone insists on telling me they are this or that without any provocation. It seems a bit pushy, and makes me feel like I am being fed directions instead of learning about someone naturally. It just seems unnecessary to me…especially when the conversations and interaction following the tutorial do not seem to support the self-image I have had told to me.
Maybe it’s just me….
Okay…We Are Awesome, Tough, Compassionate, and Don’t Give a Fuck….
We know these things because we keep telling each other these things. Mostly using other people’s creative memes and pictures, we tell each other endlessly what we are like and how we roll.
We love our kids.
We love our music.
We are awesome and not to be fucked with.
We are concerned about injustice.
We hate cancer.
We hate war.
We hate hatred.
We hate Bullies
We hate inequality and corporations and politicians and cops.
We REALLY hate guns.
We abhor judgmental hypocrites…no…wait…that’s just me…I hate Judgmental Hypocrites.
I am confused and saddened by judgmental hypocrites…which, sadly, is most of us.
…and, most importantly, I do not like being told to “Share this status if you…”
Love your Kids
Love your Music
Think you’re Awesome and not to be fucked with
You too, are concerned about injustice
You too, hate cancer
You too, hate war
You too, hate inequality, and corporations and politicians and cops
And you REALLY hate guns.
Well…here’s the deal. Of COURSE I loathe cancer, war, injustice, inequality, and the other obvious things that rational people with a modicum of common sense would despise, but I would rather try to DO something about those things than publically (and constantly) complain about them. However, I strongly disagree that guns are a problem…I believe that Assholes and Idiots are a greater threat to all of us, I disagree that all corporations and politicians and cops are evil or bad or nuts, and I also LOVE my family whether I post it on FB or not, and I find it needy and a little annoying to be told to “SHARE MY STATUS” in order to prove it to you or anyone else.
You don’t need anyone to agree with you if you believe in something.
And by the way…I DO give a fuck.
The Top Ten Things I See On Facebook That Drive Me Bat Shit Crazy
10. The Inability to be able to tell the difference between a real news story and satire.
Radioactive Tuna Found in San Diego McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish
We have Proof Obama Once Swore at a Nun
Republican Senator From Minnesota Eats Puppy at Family Picnic
Auto Tune Causes Cancer in Teens
Jeb Bush Promised 2016 Presidency Victory by Man From the Future
Russell Brand Solves All of Humanity’s Problems, Joins the Cast of The New Girl
Scientists warn: Washington DC sitting on Super Pot Hole
Revealed! Elvis Murdered While Working as Wal-Mart Greeter in Rome, Georgia
Wonder Bread Removed from Grocery Store Shelves: Causes Twerking in Tweens
Rob Ford Revealed to be Agent of Hydra, Eats Cow, Smokes Banana, Passes Out Naked in City Hall Office
…you get the picture.
Snopes is not run by the government or some sinister shadow corporation. It is run by an older couple who live in the Midwest of the US of A. They don’t ask for money and have no reason to lie to you…so your insistence on not believing what they print is like telling your kids that their Aunt Alice isn’t visiting to see them and buy them presents and take them for ice cream…she is visiting to kidnap them and sell them to The Communists.
09. Pictures of Dead or Injured Animals and Children
Listen to me. Anyone who is aware of animal and child abuse, or abuse of any kind, wants to AVOID pictures of those atrocities. We are ALL familiar with the stark, stomach-churning reality of a dog that has been dragged for miles over a gravel road, tied to the rear bumper of a pickup truck, a child who has been mauled by an animal, a person who has been shot in the face, etc. WHY ON EARTH do some of us insist on posting these horrific pictures?
The simple truth is this; the ONLY people who will be interested in these photos are the sick knuckle-draggers who would like to DO some of these things, or impressionable children who are inured to these sorts of images thanks to an off shoot of pop culture that embraced torture-porn horror movies, and graphic video games, and their ilk, and might say “cool”, instead of “Oh My God, that’s awful!”
Pellet gun, kitten…they got the idea from someone…please don’t be that person. Rather than that, give us a verified site where we can contribute to an organization that is FIGHTING these problems. Then maybe wecould be making a difference.
08. You Won’t Believe What Happens Next, What Kind of Cotton Sheet Are You, Learn Your Vengeful God Name, Want to See the Cutest Thing Ever?. Here’s What Your Street Address Means, Click Here to Do Something Stupid. Like My Page/Band/Assault Weapon/Beer/Carpet/Doormat, and Learn How to Get an iPad, iPhone, Car, Willing 19 Year Old Nymphomaniac, Cottage, Island, Yacht, for less than 20% of What Everyone Else is Paying.
These posts in your newsfeed are known as ‘click bait’. What that means is this; When you click on any of them, the person/corporation/sponsor of that page gets more things added to your personal newsfeed. You will start to get “Related” posts after your initial click, and soon, your newsfeed will be crammed with nothing BUT this stuff. You can also usethis to your advantage by clicking on your actual friends posts in your newsfeed or by ‘liking’ them and their personal (not the links to sponsored sites they send you, but the posts about baby Elrod’s first boom-boom, or their kitty kat’s first mouse kill) posts. More of theirpersonal posts will start appearing in your newsfeed. Don’t take my word for this…read this… http://www.wired.com/2014/08/i-liked-everything-i-saw-on-facebook-for-two-days-heres-what-it-did-to-me/
07. The Government/Big Pharma/Corporations/Police are trying to kill us/own everything/Cheat us/kill us some more….
No one is trying to kill you, unless your spouse is fed up with picking up your dirty socks, or not putting the cap back on the tube of toothpaste. Big Pharma is NOT holding back a cure for Cancer. There is Waaaay more money in curing it than there is in NOT curing it. There are plenty more diseases to cure where cancer came from. As far as the Police go…we all have tipping points, and unfortunately, even some well-trained police officers do too. They are also governed by years of rules and regulation training, and even if they follow them to the letter, can still be subjected to an incredible amount of scrutiny and consequences. For example…read this article and get a little more information (a lot really) on one particular case of the public vilifying a man who was just doing his job as best he could. Are there bad cops? Sweetie…there are bad EVERYTHINGS…but that doesn’t make EVRYTHING bad.
…and PLEASE remember this: You can THROW a knife.
Toronto Life: The Killing of Sammy Yatin
06. Don’t Eat That! You Will Grow Tentacles and Possibly Develop an Uncontrollable Urge to Bite the Furniture!
Making Life Better Through Chemistry used to be the clarion call of Science, and every kid had a chemistry set and wanted to be a scientist. Now, people are terrified of Science, and fearful of what Science does…especially to our food. I honestly believe many of you would rather your great grandkids eat Soylent Green than a slice of Wonder Bread or a genetically altered pickle. Well…unless Science solves some pretty big problems in the next couple of decades, you will get your wish. Feeding the existing 7 Billion faces on this mudball is already difficult…wait until there are 10 Billion. Sooner than you think….
Terrified of Your Food? Gleefully Trying to Make EVERYBODY Afraid of THEIR Food? Then Please Read This.
Neil DeGrasse on GMOs
…and I mean READ the Whole Thing, or stay uninformed.
05. The Colour of Your Shirt/Pants/Underwear and the Last Thing You Ate is Your Superhero Name/Band Name/ First Born’s Name
Look! Up in the Sky! It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! No! It’s Skid Mark Chicken Ball!
Tonight at The Horseshoe Tavern! It’s Dave and the Teal Cream Filled Cupcake!
This is my wife, Bernice, and this is our little girl, Purple Pin Stripe Kale Chip.
Shouldn’t we have a cup of coffee at a mutually agreed upon coffee shop first? I don’t even know you, but I have been in your bedroom, bathroom, and living room multiple times. And no…that dress does not make you look fat. Does my age make me look old?
03. Your Collection of Guitars, Tea Cozies, Barbies, Cars, Beer Cans, Hockey Cards, Unhurled Bricks, Stolen Property, Etc….
I could eat for a couple of months on what ONE of those guitars cost, pay my rent for at least two years with what just ONE of those cars cost, and though I am happy for you, I would think these things bring you great pleasure in and of themselves. Most of us have stuff we love, but I don’t understand the need to show anyone. What does cross my mind is how drool worthy those guitars must be to those musicians who can’t even afford one decent one, or any of those other tantalizing collections. A little girl seeing a 100 Barbies would probably consider robbing a McDonalds to have a similar collection.
On the other hand, I wish I still had all my comic books, LPs, Mad Magazines and TV Guides…but I don’t think I’d bring them up here.
Fuck…I don’t know. I had a lot of different guitars over the years…never kept any of them. Just one…and I lost that in a Storage Space that was sold off. I really loved that old beat up piece of shit.…which brings me to…
Look…we all have bad days. We all have to face and meet daily problems, try our best to solve them, and move on. Life can be, and is, a difficult maze of unexpected delays, obstacles, and stressful occurrences.
Complaining about them, or having to blame someone for something out of your hands that may have caused a problem for you, seems counter-productive…especially knowing that a pile of strangers are hearing all about them while trying to deal with their OWN problems. Our time would be put to much better use by working towards solutions, seeking out professional help, and putting our problems behind us as soon as we can to make room for the next ones.
Frankly, we are all pretty much the mechanics of our own woes, whether it be by inaction or something we did, or something that is a result of a past mistake.
…at least, that is how the vast majority of MY problems seem to have come into existence.
I found that once I accepted my responsibility in helping to create most of my own problems, whining became embarrassing. And never solved anything.
By the way…I have NEVER had a problem with Rogers (my internet/phone/cable provider). They have always bent over backward to address my needs, and I have been with them since there was a wire connecting the remote to the television, and all it did was let me turn the TV off and on and change channels. I’m nice to their reps, and they’re nice to me.
Now Bell is another story….
The shit I DIDN’T cause…nah…like my Dad always said, “Worry about and fix what you can, don’t worry about the stuff you can’t”
It just occurred to me that I am whining right now….
01. Rob Fucking Ford.
Let me make this as clear as I can make it.
I do NOT support Rob Ford.
I do not HATE Rob Ford.
I literally have no opinion about Rob Ford, because I do not know enough about him or the facts concerning the possibility that he may have done something as Mayor of Toronto that is worthy of criminal charges being filed against him, or the loss of his job.
…I seem to be one of the few people who feel that due process and patience are a vital part of an informed and sensible stance on a hot potato topic.
…and Rob Ford is the hottest potato we have here in the aptly nicknamed Toronto. We are not only known as The Big Smoke, we also wear the sobriquet Hogtown…which surprisingly, none of Ford’s detractors have used in their campaign to allude to Mr. Ford being the source of the Hog in Hogtown.
Maybe his detractors lack a certain sense of humour regarding their perception of Hizzoner’s less than politically correct demeanor.
The last time I checked, being overweight, slovenly, nervous, sweaty, inarticulate, choosing where and when you go somewhere, personal taste, and being visibly uncomfortable, are not against the law. Public intoxication, certain aspects of doing drugs…well, these could possibly be criminal activities given the proper circumstances, but so far, Ford is no more or less guilty of these things than are a large portion of his constituents. If these things were deemed criminal in and of themselves, there would be paddy wagons and cruisers doing landslide business after every sporting event, rock concert, and Monster Truck rally.
No…something criminal while being intoxicated or loaded needs to occur before the Police (or “BASTARD PIG ASSHOLES” as they are commonly referred to by a growing number of citizens) step in and haul your ass away.
So far, this has not happened.
On the surface, Mr. Ford seems to have done what he said he would do if elected. He HAS saved the City of Toronto some money (although many of his detractors take great glee in pointing out, not as much as he SAYS he has…but who here hasn’t exaggerated their accomplishments at one time or another?) and otherwise did Mayor-y things since he was voted into office. He received the most votes in an election, but much to the chagrin of a large portion (but still in the minority) of the populace, that portion has been upset ever since.
We KNOW they are upset because they have been all over the mainstream media, social media, and street corners, telling everyone just how upset they are.
All the time.
…but so far, judging from this ocean of ire, they are mostly upset that he is overweight, slovenly, nervous, sweaty, inarticulate, chooses where and when to go out, has horrible (in their opinion) personal taste, and is visibly uncomfortable.
…because the rest of it is based on rumour, conjecture, supposition, and gossip.
I don’t have a problem with Rob Ford (although Brother Doug seems to be kind of ‘icky’ to me), but I do have a problem with the people who have taken it upon themselves to bully, vilify, accuse, and besmirch the Mayor since he was elected, and devote a considerable amount of their time to beat the rest of us over the head with the leg they don’t have to stand on.
A case of Premature Evaluation.
I am not an apologist. I am not going to sit here in my underwear drinking a beer, smoking crack, and sweating profusely while I contemplate passing the bong with my buds while we watch the game on the big screen tonight, and start making excuses for Hizzoner. Instead, I am going to finish this paragraph so that those of you who wish to can decide that what I’ve typed in this paragraph is true and start spreading rumours to that effect as soon as you can tweet/post/call your BFFs.
The rest of you can keep reading.
We Interrupt This Portion of Today’s Blog With This Important Information
There are just a few ways to engender change in this world.
With your wallet.
With your vote.
You can also foment change from within, so some of you can go back to school, get a law degree, science doctorate, study political science, become a career politician, run a city comprised of millions of people, study law enforcement, complete the training and work on the streets for a decade, gain respect in your chosen fields, and instigate changes you feel would benefit the people.
And people will listen to you because you have done the work, proved yourself, are knowledgeable about how things actually work in your field beyond what you know from television and movies and sites like The Onion and World Press, and do what you can to make changes that will benefit the people at large. Make a better world or at least your corner of it better.
If you dislike a corporation, do not buy what they are selling. Do not tell the rest of us to do that…we will also be doing what we think is right.
If you dislike a politician, use your time to organize voters to vote for a candidate you have researched and found deserving.
If you do not do the above, chances are very good that nothing will change. Chances are good that you will continue to protest and rant and rave and complain with little or no results.
…and keep in mind that you may elect someone else who will demand that you go online/to the media/etc…and begin this process of loathing all over again. For some of you, this will never end.
That is all.
And now, Back to The Exciting Conclusion of “Rob Fucking Ford”
I suggest we all show a little patience at this stage of the game.
The election is just around the corner, and for those of you who despise our current Mayor (for whatever reason(s)) I hope you have spent the last 3 years organizing yourselves into a formidable voting bloc to get the election result you long for.
A Rob Ford FAQ Sheet
Is Rob Ford a Douche?
Depends on who you talk to. Lots of people who have met him really like him. Have you met him?
Is Rob Ford the Worst Mayor Ever?
Not by a longshot….not even of Toronto.
Did Rob Ford Really Smoke Crack?
Yes. So did Washington DC Mayor Marion Barry, who, after being released from prison, was re-elected as Mayor. It seems he was a good Mayor…that also smoked crack.
Has Rob Ford Done Anything Illegal As Mayor of Toronto? Is He Corrupt or Use City Money Illegally?
Funny you should ask. I don’t recall anyone ever asking this before. We do not know yet. All we know is that there is an on-going investigation being conducted by the authorities, and at its conclusion we will be apprised of their findings. It is called “due process” and will answer all the questions many of you have already decided the answers to. WARNING: Some of you may become irritable when the facts are revealed.
Did Rob Ford Have Anything to Do With That Dead Dope Dealer?
We do not know yet. All we know is that there is an on-going investigation being conducted by the authorities, and at its conclusion we will be apprised of their findings. It is called “due process” and will answer all the questions many of you have already decided the answers to. WARNING: Some of you may become irritable when the facts are revealed.
Is There a Rob Ford Sex Tape?
We do not know yet. All we know is that there is an on-going investigation being conducted by the authorities, and at its conclusion we will be apprised of their findings. It is called “due process” and will answer all the questions many of you have already decided the answers to. WARNING: Some of you may become irritable when the facts are revealed…and a sex tape will probably be revealed (if one exists) just before the election.
Why Doesn’t Ford Go to Pride Week?
We do not know. You may also ask why he doesn’t go to other functions he may not wish to attend, or doesn’t approve of. He did not try to prevent it, or say anything derogatory in public that I am aware of. Many people do not attend functions for a variety of reasons. It is possible that Mayor Ford simply wanted to avoid more derision, the heat, or the crush of a million party goers. You saw what happened when he went to Caribana. (The press and television ran a picture of him dancing and possibly getting a Mayoral blow-job in public).
Why Isn’t Rob Ford in Jail?
We do not know yet. All we know is that there is an on-going investigation being conducted by the authorities, and at its conclusion we will be apprised of their findings. It is called “due process” and will answer all the questions many of us have already decided the answers to. If he has, IN FACT, committed a criminal act that is connected to his job as Mayor, the authorities investigating him will let us know. If they conclude he has, he will be charged, tried, and either be exonerated or incarcerated. Just like you or anyone else would be. It is how our justice system works.
Why is Rob Ford so Famous?
Well, the truth of the matter is that his large following of bullies, detractors, and vilifiers have made him famous. The media LOVES this kind of viral ‘news’ story, and spread all the conjecture so far and wide, that Mr. Ford actually became a celebrity due to all the social media attention. He was now able to be inarticulate and awkward on the International stage. His discomfort has proven to be a charming diversion from real news, and has given Toronto a more human face as opposed to its previous public persona as an uptight, prudish, backwater. The more his detractors say about him, and complain he has embarrassed them and the fine city of Toronto, the more attention he gets. Mr. Ford has only embarrassed himself. He has not embarrassed me or any other resident of the Greatest City in North America. I can only imagine how another person can be embarrassed by someone they do not know, who does not know them. I would like to think that those who say they have been embarrassed by Mayor Ford actually mean to say that they are embarrassed for HIM.
That would be the compassionate and non-judgmental response to the Mayor’s condition and position at this time.
Imagine what it must be like, to be called so many names, accused of so many crimes, constantly harassed and demeaned, bullied and made fun of by so many otherwise well-adjusted people.
More excerpts tomorrow.
The book will not contain many of the pictures used online, just my personal ones, and of course, none of the links will work and will probably be removed anyway…but music, links, and more may be included in the eBook…and Yes, Virginia…there will be an AudioBook containing some of my catalog of recordings.
This is just the tip of the iceberg…and again, I would like you to use the comment section below to let me know what columns and stories YOU would like to see reprinted, updated, or elaborated on, AND if there is anything NEW you would like me to write about. Also take a look at the gallery of potential Book Covers at the bottom of the column and let us know which one(s) you like, or suggest a totally different idea. Let your thoughts be known in the comment section below. A few of you will be winning an autographed copy of the tome just ahead of its release. Details tomorrow.
Some of the Possible Covers
Segarini’s regular columns appear here whenever T-Rump Makes Sense
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Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.