Santa Bob’s Christmas Checklist and Fried Ham Sandwich Recipe
To the Best Readers on the Intertoobs….
We are going on hiatus Dec. 15th through January 10th. There will be Year End Wrap Ups from (hopefully) all of us here at DBAWIS, that I will post between the 25th and New Years.
Have a joyous, safe, and happy Holiday. …and this includes EVERYONE no matter HOW you celebrate the holidays by whatever name they go by.
Commence the Nogging of the Egg in 3…2…1…
I am not a fan of Holidays and their annoying habit of screwing up my routine. Why can’t they just lump them all into one three week period, call it “Spend Every Last Cent You Have, Close the Businesses You Desperately Need Like Liquor Stores, Grocery Stores, and Government Offices, and Limit Public Transit to One Bus, One Streetcar, and One Subway Every 45 Minutes” and be done with it….
Santa Bob’s Christmas Checklist
(If You Ain’t Got This, You Ain’t Got Christmas)
10. Give your loved ones a list of gifts you would love for Christmas knowing that if you ask for an Amazon Echo, you will receive a subscription to the Cheese Wheel of the Month Club.
09. Plan and Organize a Christmas Party and send out invitations by the 15th of November, and a reminder on December 1st, 10th, 15th and 20th. Expect the worst blizzard in over 100 years on the day of your party.
08. Plan a romantic Christmas Eve Dinner with your true love. Forget to make reservations at Chez Expensive. End up sharing a Filet – O – Fish on a park bench next to McDonald’s parking lot.
07. Accidently drop your phone in the toilet.
06. Spend a day writing personalized Christmas cards, addressing the envelopes, and licking dozens of stamps. Spend over an hour in heavy traffic to get to the post office just in time to hear about the Post Office Strike that started the day before.
05. Spend Eleventybillion dollars on a gift for that special someone during the month of November. See an ad for the same gift 2 days before Christmas that says “OVERSTOCKED! On SALE NOW for 22.95…and WE PAY THE TAXES!” See the same gift on Boxing Day for 9.95.
04. Spend hours over the holidays pulling tinsel out of your cat’s ass, cleaning up vomit from Fido and Snuggles every time they chow down on a Poinsettia or fake snow, and stand shivering in the snow while the fire department puts out the tree fire in your living room caused by your adorable little labradoodle pissing on the exposed wires where he chewed through the extension cord to the Christmas Tree Lights
03. Pass out from eating too many rumballs and washing them down with eggnog spiced with 100 proof dark rum and a Vicodin. Miss your grandkid playing a sheep in her Grammar school’s Nativity Play.
02. Check the “Cook Frozen” turkey you put in the oven 4 hours ago. Realize you forgot to turn the oven on….
01. Going to your daughter’s for Christmas dinner and being served Tofu Turkey Loaf, Mashed Parsnips, Mung Bean Gravy, Organic worm infested lettuce, kale, coconut oil, and pea pod salad, and a dessert of natural yogurt with faux cherries and dandelions. Wash it all down with non alcohol Reddish-style wine-styled soy beverage, and a big cup of tree bark coffee-flavoured coffee style soy beverage. Spend the rest of the afternoon on the couch watching “Cait Jenner’s Christmas Spa Adventure” and yelling at the kids to stop pulling tinsel out of the cat’s ass.
MERRY CHRISTMAS (and all the other reasons to over eat, over drink, over spend, and over indulge) during this joyous season.
The Wilson’s/Betty and Jerry’s Fried Ham Sandwich Recipe.
This is from a little strip mall diner I used to eat at every school day during the 5th and 6th grades at Woodrow Wilson Elementary School in Stockton California. 1956 – 1957
It is the best fried ham sandwich on this or any other Earth.
Their Cheeseburger was equally astounding. Beg me for the recipe.
The Ham Sandwich Recipe….
Ham 3 thin but not too thin slices
Bread Soft, fresh white bread Wonder, Sunbeam, or any local brand. Cheap. Artisan bread will just fuck this up.
Mayonnaise REAL Mayonnaise, not low fat, not olive oil based, not 25% less sodium, not ‘Light, and for the love of God, NOT Miracle Whip.
Lettuce There are 5 categories of Lettuce. Butterhead, Crisphead, Looseleaf, Romaine, and Celtuce. There are many sub-varieties of these five. Only ONE of those categories contains the correct lettuce. Under the Crisphead Lettuce, only the ‘Iceberg’ lettuce is appropriate. The name iceberg was given to crisphead in the 1920s when California lettuce growers began shipping lettuce to far off markets in rail cars chilled with crushed ice.
Crisphead lettuce has outer leaves that are dark green and inner leaves that are greenish white to white. Because crispheads consist of layers of tightly packed leaves, they are more tolerant of heat and keep longer than leaf lettuces.
Varieties of crisphead include: ‘Great Lakes’, the classic iceberg-type lettuce, and ‘Ithaca’, which is glossy-green, frilled-leaf improved iceberg, and ‘Imperial’ with dark green heads. But “Great Lakes” is the one TRUE lettuce for this sandwich, burgers, and any other blue collar meal between two slices of bread. To use any other is either trendy, pretentious, or just plain addle-headed.
Cooking and Assembly
Lightly brush flat grill surface with butter ( a similar brushing with bacon fat can be an addition)
Add ham slices, cook evenly on both sides. Ham is ready when slight charred areas appear and the ham bubbles slightly
While the ham is frying (about a total of 4 -5- minutes depending on grill temperature) Open the bread and spread generous amounts of mayonnaise on both slices. DO NOT toast the bread, it should be as fresh and soft as possible)
Remove ham slices from flat grill and position evenly on one slice of bread.
Add chopped, shredded CRISP ICEBERG lettuce in a layer across the entire surface of the top piece of fried ham.
Liberally place the diced cucumber pickles in the same fashion.
Cover the pickles, lettuce, and ham with the remaining slice of bread.
Slice diagonally and serve on a plate with a large ice cream scoop of homemade potato salad and a handful of Lay’s regular potato chips, and either a Vanilla milkshake or a Cherry Coke or regular Coca Cola.
Segarini’s regular columns appear here whenever Santa gets drunk and beats the Elves
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Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.