Segarini – 2016: Year of the Faceplant or We’re All Bozos On This (Short) Bus

We have swallowed the Kool-Aid, jumped the shark, and lifted the horse’s tail.

…and in so doing, created a world imagined by Phillip K. Dick, Hunter Thompson, Mike Judge, and Stephen King.  Curated by Gary Larson, Louie CK, and Rod Serling…and now occupied by even our Brightest Lights, who have been sucked into this Black Hole along with the rest of us. That annoying sound you hear are millions of knuckles, dragging across the Linoleum Floor of Destiny…and the wailing of the still upright Brain Trust that allowed this to happen….

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A Rearview Mirror Look Back at 2016

The Arts

Music….

Alive and well, but forced underground by the Max Martinizing of Popular Ditties.

This has been going on for decades, but 2016 was the year where it became clear that music has been replaced in the public’s eyes (and ears), by nursery rhymes centered on artifice, navel gazing, bitching, moaning, bragging, and bullshit. Though some music managed to leak through disguised as pap, the majority of what the General Public considers to be of musical import, is shit…and NO, those of you who defend Drake, Pitbull and Chimp the Rapper, we are not ‘too old’ to get it. We are old enough to know better.

…but don’t take my word for it.

Here’s Billboard’s best selling Top Ten for 2016. The masterpiece yodeled by Rihanna is all you need to hear, really. …but PLEASE watch the clip…it is an insanely depressing, yet hilariously entertaining singing and dancing dog and pony show.. Also…it is the fiddling while our Rome buuuuuurns.

The Billboard Top Ten singles of 2016

I am NOT saying this stuff isn’t or can’t be entertaining (especially the videos…who doesn’t love looking at young people with hot bodies who have a price), so don’t get all huffy on me.

Real music needs to get back on the radio and be presented by gatekeepers and knowledgeable fans of ALL genres. In the meantime, the great stuff is out there in your local clubs, soft seaters, medium size venues, and the Internet. The same laziness and smug belief that great music died with the breakup of Led Zeppelin, the Beatles, and the mullet and fringed jacket , that decided that “Today’s music sucks”, is the same thought process and apathetic reason the (Barely) United States of America now has Foghorn Leghorn as its President.

Look for Folk, Rock, Punk and Protest to make a comeback in 2017.

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Movies….

Technologically, we are in a great period. The tentpole films are a joy to behold, their unreality made real by the magic and art of the men and women who are true artists who can use math and science to create everything from cities and planets, to breathing life into the most implausible creatures. …and most of the Marvel films have an underlying message of hope and humanity that is sorely missing from the Michael Bay, Warner/DC, Christopher Nolan and George Miller dystopian corner of  the Popcorn Universe.

There were a plethora of fine ‘little films’ and Indies that are truly wondrous in their honest depictions and displays of the human condition, and most get distribution and can easily be found and seen.

Worst of the lot dates back to December of 2015, and that was the incredible amount of missteps with ‘The Force Awakens’, and the sad dominance of ‘Fury Road’ over ‘Tomorrowland’.

…and 2015’s Jurassic World was still my hands down favourite movie of last year. Always entertaining even after repeated viewing. …and Bryce Dallas Howard has replaced Margot Robbie as my Primary Crush.

…as long as she doesn’t talk using her real voice.

…and Chris Pratt is my current Man Crush…I mean, drinking with this guy, the laughs, and the lineup of hot women wanting to speak to him…you would have to be Pence to fuck up that opportunity….a wingman’s paradise, being Pratt’s best friend.

The art and humanity of Jurassic World. Always amuses me when people put down the best of these films because they lump them all together and rarely see them. If you can’t see the difference between the Nolan Batman movies and Deadpool or any Marvel films, you do not have an opinion worth hearing.

Deadpool, Captain America: Civil War, Star Trek Beyond, Zootopia, and a few others provided some quality entertainment last year, and the trend for smart Tentpole movies continued with Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them, Arrival, and Doctor Strange.

Movies aimed right at my head and heart are in an abundance for 2017….

 

That Spielberg got the rights to “Ready Player One” instead of Christopher Nolan, damn near proves that there IS a God. Spielberg is the ONLY man alive capable of getting the film as right as possible. You don’t know the book? My favourite book this century. Find it and read it before or after the movie is released. You’re welcome.

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Television….

Some ongoing, some 2016 additions, some Made-for-TV movies, some Limited Series, and ALL of high entertainment value, character driven, and concerned with the Human Condition.

From the low brow to the high road, Television is in a Golden Age. …and if you look down your nose at it, disregard it, and fail to see the worth of it, then you are missing out.

I realize that television is not for everyone, but to hate it and proudly claim you do not own one or watch the one you have, dismisses you from the jury.

Just a partial list off the top of my head….

Comic Book Men

Bob’s Burgers

Son of Zorn

Luke Cage

Goliath 

Graves

Designated Survivor

Atlanta

The Good Place

Timeless

Travelers

Bones

Grand Designs

Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives

Bull

Big Bang Theory

The Expanse

And Then There Were None

Stranger Things

Time Machine Bong

Louie CK

Man in the High Castle

Motive

Major Crimes

The CWs Super Hero shows

…and of course…Archer!

As network and Cable slowly learn the worth of Netflix, binge-watching, limited series, and Amazon, Hulu, You Tube, and other original programming being made available all at once. they stand a chance of surviving longer than the Major Record labels did by destroying Napster and turning their back on the future of distribution.

More great TV in the pipeline for 2017…and more innovation  as well.

Ongoing, Teeth Grinding 2016 Television Poop…

…Plus 2017’s first unwatchable hit – Kevin Can Wait…

…and the continued fist-clenching existence of Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, (Tune in to see if your favourite character bites the big one), Jimmy Fallon, and Modern Family.

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Sports….

…Need to be on Sub-channels and subscribed to by Sportsball enthusiasts.

I am tired of paying money for the shows I want to see, and having them pre-empted by sports. Great television has been cancelled prematurely because of  the practice, and it is not fair to the creators or the viewers.

As far as sports as a cultural touchstone, they continue to be as mystifying as Celebrity.

In any other endeavour, you would be fired for doing what you are paid to do just 30% of the time. Sports pays you tens of millions of dollars…in front! Even if you suck, you get a couple of mill for just showing up. Sports, like music, has become more about the money than the game.

It has become too expensive to enjoy live for many…just like big concerts.

2017 will see the growing popularity of AA and AAA baseball, Minor League Hockey, and football, gain more ground as the Middle Class continues to shrink.

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Dead or on Life Support in 2016….

Common Sense

Factual News

Respect

Patience

Equality

Truth

Justice

The American Way

Surged in Popularity in 2016….

Bigotry

Violence

Bullying

Uninformed Opinions put forth as Facts

Misogyny

Paranoia

Big Lies

Gossip Mongering

Greed

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Single Biggest Regret of 2016….

That more people didn’t use Google to check the sources of the outrageous lies and bullshit flung by both parties during the Presidential campaign.

It is frightening to think how gullible, naive, and self-serving we have become.

Best Explanation of Why Everything is So Fucked Up….

We popped into an Alternative Universe when the Hadron Collider was turned on.

On the Death of So Many Celebrities….

2016 wasn’t to blame for any of them.

Our mortality was shoved in our faces.

Because the people we grew up admiring and loving, or at least were part of our lives for decades owing to their constant presence in the media, are ageing and passing away, and with them, part of our youth and our sense of immortality.

It is only going to get worse.

The cycle of life is all it is.

Only Family, Friends, and Food, and all the sub-stratus of those three things are important in this life.

We have been blessed with this time together on this amazing big blue marble…and as long as we leave it in roughly the same shape we entered it, we have done well.

Until then, enjoy the fuck out of your life, and help or let others enjoy the fuck out of theirs.

…at least every time we get another year, we have another kick at the can.

Sweet.

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Segarini’s regular columns appear here whenever Jimmy Fallon falls down a flight of stairs

Contact us at dbawis@rogers.com

Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.