Segarini Suggests That 2017 Made 2016 Look Like the Best Year Ever! (Which, of course, it wasn’t)

Hello.

Welcome to my column.

Please make yourself comfy and perhaps have some snacks available. I would suggest some salty snacks, and some sweet, preferably, chocolate snacks. Personally, I like both Milk and Dark Chocolate, and now I hear there is a Pink Chocolate headed our way sometime this year. I never could abide White Chocolate, though. It doesn’t look right, or even taste like Chocolate to me. It seems arrogant and aloof, you might say entitled…like it’s better than all the other Chocolates, but of course, it’s not. In fact, I think it sucks! YEAH! How do you like THAT? Fucking White Chocolate thinks it’s better than all the other Chocolates. Well, FUCK YOU, White Chocolate…you SUCK! Add a bottle of decent tequila to your snack tray…I’ll be right back after I get mine

Alright…I’m calm…sorry about that, but just thinking about 2017 kind of sends me into a rage. Makes me kind of ‘Hulk Out’ if you know what I mean. Like, “Bob Smash!”  and shit, although I don’t like Hulk Green…it’s just blah, you know…like Hospital hallways and those old avocado green phones and kitchen appliances from the ’60s, I really would like to do some Hulkening when I think of 2017.

Okay…one more shot of this fine Agave tequila and I’ll get this over with. Ready?

Might as well get the worst out of the way first….

POLITICS

Regardless of all the family, friends, celebrities and musicians we lost in 2016, the absolute worst day of the whole year was November 8th 2016.

That was the day that rational men and women were caught in the headlights of an on-coming clown car barrelling at us full speed, hell bent on destruction. It came out of nowhere, like a letter drafting you for Jury Duty, or your mom catching you ‘pulling the goalie’ watching filthy, ugly, disturbing pornography on the Internet, or accidently walking in on your parents while your dad is pounding your mom like a 2 dollar whore.

I can close my eyes and still recall the sights and sounds of that moment…The out-of-control Clown Car bearing down on us, the stench of Cotton Candy, McDonald’s cheeseburgers, and greasy empty KFC buckets hanging in the air like an egg-salad fart, and mountains of balloon animals, water buckets full of confetti, and whoopee cushions flying every which way out of the open windows, sunroof, and trunk.

The Horror

As bad as it was, it was nothing compared to what followed on January 20th 2017.

All of you were there. You know. Even now, the skin crawls just thinking about it. A nightmare that hasn’t gone away since. A nightmare that continues whether we are asleep or awake.

Please join me for another shot of tequila and give me a minute….

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I am old enough to remember some pretty bad Governments. Not just the Third World countries who had Death Squads and financed their leaders with baked sales and drug deals and laundered money, but closer to home, like 2017s gift to the world, The Republican Regime of the Recently UnUnited States of America and it’s closest example, The First Order.

Oh, that both were fictional.

 

Like Valdemort, the leader of the Clown Car Passengers mentioned earlier is so frightening, that many of us have trouble just saying his name. Even if I just read it, or hear it, I get a rash or have a coughing fit. It has become a reflex I can no longer control, like flushing before I have actually stopped peeing.

UNLIKE Valdemort, you don’t hear the Leader called “He Whose Name We Dare Not Speak”. The cleverer of us have taken to giving him alternative names. Names that act as a buffer between him, and our sanity. At this point in time, it is almost universal, the dread of just seeing, hearing, or saying his name, has resulted in the first sitting Leader to be recognized by a plethora of names that we may hear for the first time, and STILL know it is he who is being talked about.

We may have developed a ‘Hive Mind‘, the disgust is so intense.

This tragic, yet uniting situation has forced us to deal with our feelings by trying to diffuse the problem of even considering him, by giving him names that, quite frankly, a man with an awareness of his suroundings and his effect on them, would take umbrage with and perhaps lash out at us, but he is so focused on himself and his minions, he appears unable to see past whoever is in his line of sight. Before we proceed, let me share with you some of the Names of The Leader we have created lest we act violently or drive up the suicide statistics. The names Nixon, Reagan, Bush and Bush will live in Infamy, but The Leader’s actual name is liable to end up as a word in the dictionary meaning ” Useless, Scary, Mentally Ill, or extremely hard stool”, or the name of a chain of miniature golf courses and cheap hotels that his followers will be able to check into once they lose their homes and their jobs.

A Smattering of Names created by Concerned Citizens

(Think ‘President’ and then the name, otherwise, if I write ‘President’, it may sully the word for all time. Like the Margarine, “I Can’t Believe It’s a President”.)

Shit Gibbon

Bag o Dicks

Skid Mark

Shit for Brains

Blow Hard

45

Cheeto

Dingleberry

Suckington

Niblick

Shithole

Butt Pimple

Door Knob

Dimbulb

Tiny Hands

Twitler

Rotund-a-Mundo

Cold Sore

Chum Bucket

Anal Bleach

Bozo

Fruit Cake

Pud Licker

There’s more, but I need another shot of Cactus Courage….

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The Single Biggest Threats to The World As We Know It

The “I Can’t Believe It’s a Cabinet” Cabinet

Kale

Tide Pods

The Leaders Zombie Army

The Worship of ’60s and ’70s British Bands

The Real Housewives of Homer and Jethro

Evangelists (and the whores they rode in on)

Miracle Whip

Ryan Seacrest

Fidget Spinners

Bleeding Heart Liberals

Manscaping

Triggers

Doritos

…and Pitbull The Beer Pong Party Dork

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I was going to go on and on about music, movies, television, and literature, but I will do that as the year 2018 rolls out.

I also promise to be here every week…like your bills.

Meanwhile…

…and Right now, I need to cleanse my mind, spend some quality time with this absolutely wonderful libation from Down Mexico Way, and dream of a time when the world wasn’t quite so ugly and frightening, and stupid. A time when men and women and boys and girls could get up in the morning and not shit their pants if they happened to be in Hawaii.

You remember those days,. don’t you?

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Segarini’s regular columns appear here whenever You Know Who throws somebody under the bus

Contact us at dbawis@rogers.com

Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.