Robert Joseph Segarini Presents E. Ray Pancake’s Record Reviews and Did You Know’s

It was not often that I found engaging sites on Los Internets del Taco, Mexico’s Number One Website portal, a little known but highly suspect Internet provider, but since they were bought by Tijuana resident ex Morning Show co-host, and World’s Oldest Woman, Kathy Lee Gifford, (Who turns 126 today), and converted all their links and sites to English, the world of unusual and entertaining websites has opened up to me, and my internet time has tripled because every day I find new and addictive ways to waste my time. For example, I just used their exclusive Online Run-On Sentence and Comma Usage Counter on this paragraph, and found out I beat my previous, record, by, three, commas. As cool as that is, the best site available there is the one I am about to, share, with, you.

E. Ray Pancake’s Record Reviews and Did You Know’s

Voted Number One on Los Internets del Taco’s Annual Poll 4 years running, this is the break out hit from the newly accessible portal.

Here’s this year’s Top Ten as voted by the provider’s users.

TOP TEN

10. Tweets ‘N Twats
11. Manuel’s Mixed Nut Photos
12. The Tijuana Guide to Tuck and Roll Upholstery
13. Managing Your Cartel
14. The National Wall Builders Association
15. Montezuma’s Revenge and Taco Trots Holistic Health Care Hut
16. Ashley Madacina-Ruiz Dating Site
17. Just Pinatas
18. Blondes To Go
19. E. Ray Pancake’s Record Reviews and Did You Know’s

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Reviews for June 1st 2018

Peno Colada – Where’s My Umbrella?

Peno never fails to bring the fun to your house party or festive gathering. Once again, his Pitbull style songs and happy-go-lucky cocaine fueled effervescence just screams, “Party or I’ll Fucking Kill You!”

Not as good as last year’s, “Do a Shot or Get Shot, Slut”, but far superior to “Hey. Hey! HEY!!! Look at Me Bitch!!!!!”, his Grammy Award winning debut. 3 Sombreros

Edwardo Sheenano – Gay? Hell No!”

This British boy band is the favourite of young girls all over Mexico and the world. If you have a 14 year old daughter, you must hear this release all day, every day. It is truly catnip to Tweens and young adult females and its catchy, bouncy, sweet and sugary sound just oozes with love and happiness and sensitivity. So popular is this record, there is a group for parents called “How Would YOU Disappear Edwardo?” that you can join online. 2 and 1/2 Sombreros

DID YOU KNOW

MADONNA AND FREDDIE MERCURY BOTH GREW MUSTACHES TO COVER UP THE DRUNKEN TATTOO “ENTER HERE” NOW YOU KNOW!

Los Beatles – What? Again?

Every recording ever made by England’s Los Beatles, re-mastered, repackaged, re-recorded, and re-released with new pictures, new liner notes, and new, never before available hair from the 1966 tour of the USA hotel pillow collection. The REAL added bonus comes with the Deluxe Platinum 3D Metal Box Laminated Limited Holographic Collector’s Gold Leaf Jelly Baby Scented Lennon Lithograph Lager and Lime Infused with Dolby 12.1 Atmos DBX THX Malcolm X IMAX X-Men Bone Shattering Wolverine Mega-Sound Best Ever Till Next Time Bonus Edition…A Los Beatles Glow in the Dark Key Chain and Simulated Gold Toothpick.

If you’re as big a fan of Los Beatles as I am, You HAVE to have THIS release. Sure, its expensive (12 payments of 1600 dollars US) but worth every penny. If you don’t extend your mortgage or borrow this money from the Bank of Cartellos, you are a fake fan and don’t deserve to live. 10 Sombreros and a Serape

Demisa Lovatino – If You Buy This CD I’ll Blow You

Demisa continues to scream I LOVE YOU better than anyone else currently making the music of today’s sound. After the release of this release was postponed after a court order to change the name (Complaints by the Christian Union of Nosy Hypocrites and Sexually Repressed Mothers resulted in Demisa changing the name from the offensive original title, “If You Buy This CD I’ll Suck Your Cock”), some critics believed her career would be over, but not THIS critic. Demisa has always known how to get front page attention for herself and her music, as she did last year by hunting and killing the last known living 3 Legged Australian Spider Snake, and taking on the entire crew of the US Spiro Agnew Battleship to take back the Guinness Book of Records Record from Adamo Lambertinas. 4 Sombreros

DID YOU KNOW

THE ALLMANIFICO BROTHERS PLAYED THEIR LAST CONCERT ON THIS DAY IN 2013 AT MEXICO CITY’S FAMOUS EL FILLMORO DE AVALON BULLRING IN FRONT OF 200,000 FANS WITH ONLY 32 GUN-RELATED INCIDENTS, A RECORD THAT STILL STANDS. NOW YOU KNOW!

Kevin Puentes and The Butt Plug Bandoleros ft. MC Freeto Bandito – I Can’t Even

If you only buy one CD this year, you could buy this one. I wouldn’t if I were you, But it’s none of my business if your taste sucks like a roofied coed. 1 sad and pathetic Sombrero

Acapulco Gould and the Panama Reds – Stop Dragging My Dog Around

Just when you thought it was all over for this veteran group, the 83 year old Gould reaches deep down and comes up with his best album since 1969s “Holy Fuchs Am I Wasted – Let’s Listen to Dark Side of el Moono again”

Gould and the surviving members of the Panama Reds will be opening for Los Rolling Stones Summer Tour sharing the stage with the group that inspired Gould back in the ’60s to quit his job as the DJ at Tijuana’s famous Strippers and Donkeys nightclub and devote his life to making music that sounded oddly like the Rolling Stones but with different lyrics and not played as well. People loved him anyway. 5 Sombreros for the CD, 2 Pinatas and 3 Oxygen Tanks for Gould and his band’s willingness to risk heart failure and strokes.

DID YOU KNOW

EVERY TIME SOMEONE FLUSHES A BAGGIE OF MARIJUANA DOWN THE TOILET, A KITTEN IS RUN OVER BY AN ANGRY METH LAB OWNER. NOW YOU KNOW!

Adios!

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Segarini’s regular columns appear here every time the Leafs Win the Cup

Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.