Bob Presents E. Ray Pancake’s Fake News, Bullshit, and Out and Out Lies

Hi.

I’m Bob.

…and being Bob and of a certain age, I must be honest and let you know that because of the heat I am unable to type very much due to a little known condition called “Beckett’s Wobble Fingers”, brought on by the bones in my fingers turning to a rubber-like substance due to eating too much Play Doh as a child. The heat triggers it and I am unable to push down on the keys of my keyboard because my digits are too soft to push hard enough to make them click and form words with letters. This intro is being typed by my housekeeper and care-giver, Dorito Espenoza, a woman who has served my family since the unfortunate events of June 14th, 1946.

Without further ado, Here’s E. Ray…and Senor Bob, you owe me extra for typing this. Stiff me this time, and I will pour red ants in your underwear drawer again….

E. Ray Pancake’s Fake News, Bullshit, and Out and Out Lies PLUS All New ‘Did You Know’s’!

ENTERTAINMENT

Ryan Seacrest, Jimmy Fallon, and James Corden Finalists in America’s Fake Laugh Chuckle-Off

FM radio morning show hosts demand recount of votes. Says Pillsbury Rhode Island’s Howard Ryan and Ryan Howard of Pillsbury’s WOMG Morning Chortle and Classic Rock Koffee Klatch, “This isn’t fair! Just because we’re a small market morning show doesn’t mean our fake laughter is any less fake than those guys. This sucks. They suck. You suck. HEY! Here’s the 8:00 am Led Zeppelin Triple Shot!”

FASHION

Say goodbye to the Man Bun, Top Knot, Shaved Head, and Veronica Lake, fellas!

From Washington DC comes the latest look in hair styles and it just might be right for YOU!

Called “The Paper Shredder”, this stylish update just screams “LOOK AT ME” and you know the Ladies will be all agog when you mince into the room…even your Bro’s will look at you differently. Senate Pages began adopting this new look earlier this year, and now it’s spreading like wildfire.

Slow down, Ladies…he’s taken!

DID YOU KNOW

Just pouring gasoline into a wastepaper basket and throwing a match into it will produce a fire in your office enemy’s cubicle will assure you of that promotion you are both up for. For just a few dollars, it’s a sure-FIRE way to get that corner office! NOW YOU KNOW!

POLITICS

Vice President Pence Under Investigation After Failing White House Drug Test

Concerns mount for the beleaguered Christian Right Hero after the results of his drug test reveal cocaine, alcohol, and semen in his system in alarming quantities.

“We’re used to seeing a significant amount of alcohol and semen in the bi-annual test results, but Mr. Pence blew well over the accepted limit”.

The President will pass judgement on the results as soon as he zips up and returns from the Executive Washroom, sometime early next week.

Trump Shoots a Hole in None

According to witnesses, The President holed his practice swing on the 3rd hole at Mar-a-Lago’s award winning course, the Mulligan Oaks, Seen here 20 years and over 50 pounds ago with his Butler and key witness to every great golf shot he has ever made, the Butler, Bedford Cumbleton, told this reporter, “Yes. Yes. He did it. He is the best golfer. Plays the best golf. No more questions, please. I just buttle. I am the best at buttling. No one buttles better than I. Really. And I love buttling…I want to continue to buttle, so please, no more questions. I have to go to the loo…then come back and buttle some more”.

DID YOU KNOW

No one has ever visited the state of Delaware. Many believe it to be a myth, but it does actually exist, we think. Possibly. If you have ever visited or know where Delaware is, please contact your local authorities. After years of speculation, hunters accidently stumbled across Spokane, Washington in 1987, thereby proving its existence, so maybe Delaware is actually ‘a thing’ too. NOW YOU KNOW

BREAKING NEWS

The House votes on Monday to decide on one of two proposed solutions to the detained children problem caused by Barack Obama, Roseanne Barr, and the cast of Hee-Haw.

One solution is to release the children into the wild with compasses, bottled water, and some jerky and pocket knives, a flint, and enough sippy cups to go around, and the other is to allow Trader Joe’s to sell them to childless couples with good credit. Either way, the problem will go away and everyone on The Hill can feel better about themselves. America IS Great, is it not?

AND FINALLY…

Come this November, don’t forget to vote. Just vote. Look what happens when you don’t vote. Not voting would be a mistake. Unless you are going to vote for the wrong people, then DON’T vote. Go to a movie or something. Maybe organize an Open Carry Picnic. Just DO NOT VOTE…unless it’s a GOOD Vote…then by all means…VOTE.

DID YOU KNOW

If you rearrange the letters in “The 45th President of the United States”, It spells, WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING”!

NOW YOU KNOW

=0=

Segarini’s regular column appears here because life finds a way

Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.