Bob Makes Excuses and Isn’t Very Nice at All if You Ask Me….

A Message From Bob – This is an old column, updated to serve my current situation, but fortunately, soooo on point that the majority of it sounds like I ripped it from today’s headlines.

Here’s the thing…

In the past 10 days I have quit smoking, had my apartment divested of a ton of junk, gotten a roommate, been through Bullshit hell, took a bad fall in a Dollarama and spent 2 hours sitting in an ambulance convincing the adorable EMPs or Ts or whatever the Jr. Doctors who pilot them are called, not to take me to the hospital and leave me on a gurney in a hallway for 12 hours while the doctors and nurses play Marco Polo in the cafeteria wearing hospital gowns and swim fins. I bled out enough blood to dress the crime scenes in an entire season of CSI: North York, and having been successful at avoiding Our Lady of Perpetual Agony’s pale green hallways, am now the proud owner of a broken nose (3rd time), 3 bruised ribs some little broken bones in my left hand, a painfully scraped left knee, a broken pair of sunglasses, and little or no love for an elderly Eastern European couple who caused the prattfall by considering me a crook and are incapable of knowing the number for 911 and dialing it, no matter how much you scream at them to do so while spraying blood all over their discount christmas wrapping.

Fuck it. The 2nd Installment of the Story of the Wackers will be up on Monday or Friday, and until then, you are lucky to get this. Love you. Leave me alone.

Dear Readers. Please excuse Bob from today’s Column…the Dog Ate His Homework.

Signed, My Mom

My Mom The Year I Discovered Rock and Roll 1958

Well, kids, this week’s column is going to be late. Only by a day or two, or three, or maybe a week, but late, nevertheless. In the meantime, enjoy the following. Hey! You didn’t thnk I would just bring a note from my mom and then leave you sitting there, ready to read and feeling like I have abandoned you, did you? You did? Really?

I would NEVER do that to you!

Not intentionally, anyway. So yeah, here’s a little something for you…and if what follows is not enough, search the site using the ‘Archive’ window on our home page…with over 2000 columns here, there must be SOMETHING you haven’t read yet….

This time you can blame these things for my actual, real column being late…again. I blame myself, actually, but what do I know?

Choose as many as you like….

indie week1. Indie Week – This is a LIE. Please substitute Ambulance, Shit Weather, and Binging Two and a 1/2 Men. The complaint about Bar Bathrooms still holds true.

The bars are open until 4:00 am, I still have a functioning liver and lots of Will Power. Unfortunately, I don’t have any Won’t Power. P.S: Why are all the bathrooms in bars in the basement and a 15 minute hike from the bar?

2. The Amount of Research

I often forget I have to check my facts before I can complete any of these columns. Unlike Fox News, Facebook Alarmists, the Republican kale chipsParty and their insane followers, and the equally annoying but smugly overlooked Left Wing Nutcases, I believe that the truth is much better than supposition, conjecture, opinion, false or erroneous information, and self-righteous posturing. If you really believe in healthy living, the environment, and organic food, you better be eating a bag of kale chips in your Prius while driving to the bicycle rally to protest corporate, meat eating, genetically altered bean curd promoting, Mother Earth rapists. Unfortunately in the war between Fact and Fiction, Fiction is ahead of Fact 327 to 4.

3. Sleep

Sleep is the enemy. But sometimes, even I have to lay down and close my eyes. Seep is non-productive, wastes time, and serves no creative putpose other than to make sure you don’t walk into a lamp post or wake up at 5 am in the last subway stop with the janitor hitting your foot with a broom telling you to go home.

4. Angry Birds Star Wars and Buzzfeed. Update – Add ‘Toon Blast and Eating Every 5 Fucking Minutes.

Angry-Birds-Star-Wars-Modern day crack. You can’t just kill one egg stealing pig and stop, or read “43 Life threatening Disco Records”, and not click on the next article, “25 Reasons Kanye and Kim Would Make Good Kindling”…and so forth, and so on.

5. Downloaded Movies and Television Shows.

cedarGiven the ability to watch TV and Movies at your leisure is a double edged sword. Just because you can watch a full season of Cedar Cove (an American Hallmark Channel series about a bunch of 50-somethings who live in an idyllic seaside town, which is just like “Murder She Wrote” except without Angela Lansbury or murders) or the entire Star Wars collection hellof movies, doesn’t mean you should.

6. Doors, Phones, and Messages.

One knocks, one rings, one beeps. If you don’t ignore them, you are often drawn into the 9th Circle of Hell.

7. Hygiene

Why isn’t there a waterproof laptop?

8. Boredom and/or Writer’s Block

What’s another word for “frustration”? Didn’t I write a column just like this one back in June? Oh look! A bunny!

9. The Sun

It comes up. My eyes bleed. I can’t see the monitor. I give up.

10. Evil Computer Silliness

wheel of cheeseJust when you need it to be working at it’s optimum capacity (which it was just minutes before you started writing), Mr. (or Miss) computer decides to A. Slow down. B. Lag or freeze up. C. Crash. D. Turn into a block of concrete or wheel of cheese. (this has only ever happened once. I may have been high).

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frustrated-writer-2Anyhoo, my regular column is about halfway done and I will finish it no later than the end of the week…although, now that I think about it, I probably could have finished it now instead of writing this.

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Here’s a very small preview of the big, delayed, column in question….

The first moments of rehearsal for the Wack In the Saddle Wackers Reunion in 2011. The first thing we played together since 1973.

No Wackers were injured during the filming of this historic event. There was beer.

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Segarini’s regular column appears occassionally, but seriously, it shows up more often than Haley’s Comet and hookers delivering Pizza wearing Catholic Schoolgirl Uniforms

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Segarini’s regular columns appear to cure gout, rectal itch, and the vapors

dbawis-button7giphyBob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.

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