Bob whines about The Misuse of Paul McCartney by He Who Shall Remain Nameless and Other Stuff at the 2015 Grammys

I’m pumped for Monday’s column on The 2019 Grammys. So pumped, that I thought I would post this excerpt from my column on the 2015 Dog and Pony Show just to prove I’m not a Johnny-Come-Lately Hater of stupid decisions and pairings that are far worse than Beluga Caviar and Root Beer or Lobster Tails and Gummy Bears.

On Monday, You will also see that (as much as I would have Loved to), I didn’t quite catch the Train of Forgiveness (sometimes known as the “Well, it was better than the last one so I enjoyed it” cult) and still have plenty of bones to pick. If you’re not familiar with my style of glib sarcasm and arrogant posing, this will set you straight. And this year we will be starting with the “Red Carpet” arrivals of dresses being worn by “Celebrities”, or “Celebrities” dates. Please join me (Why? …am I coming apart?)

The column the following excerpt is from, can be found in its entirety HERE. 

He Who Cannot Be Named, Rihanna, and an Old Icon with a Prop Mic and an Unplugged Guitar.

While supposedly a threesome, this was clearly a duet with a stage prop, in this case a well-loved pop culture icon who could have easily been replaced by a potted Ficus with his picture stapled to it.

I do not remember one note or word of whatever was being sung, because I was perplexed by something that distracted me from even caring about the music. I am, by now, familiar with He Who Cannot Be Named’s famous stage moves, which consist of him keeping his head down, a crab-like scuttle to and fro, and the crotch grab and pants pull stolen from Michael Jackson and used to distract us from whatever else he is doing onstage. …or maybe he is just checking to see if his junk is still there instead of in Beyonce’s Spanx drawer. How Kimmers tolerates his obsession with Beyonce is beyond me, but who knows…maybe there’s some sort of hanky or panky going on there.

Anyway, he and Rihanna appeared to be singing (their mouths were opening and closing and I don’t think they were having snacks) but, like He Who Cannot Be Named, she too was clutching at her crotch with wild abandon.

As far as I know, Rihanna does not have junk to check, so I’m thinking maybe she has some sort of genital itch that unfortunately chose that moment to flare up. Like a trooper, she didn’t seem embarrassed or bothered by it at all. A consummate pro….

Meanwhile…

Paul McCartney

I am beginning to think there is a conspiracy afoot when it comes to the Not-So-Cute-Anymore-Beatle. Paul, looking more and more like beloved cartoon character Droopy Dog, has had one slap after another landed on his still-kind-of-adorable cheeks.

Last year, being used by David Grohl for credibility/career advancement, and paired with Ringo Starr to celebrate the Beatles by doing two totally unrelated non-Beatle songs instead of being paired with Dani Harrison and Julian Lennon for a tune or two to celebrate the One-Of-Many Beatle anniversary, (which could have easily been pre-recorded for the show), a missed opportunity so frustrating to me, that my supply of WTFs was diminished by half.

Then this year, again at the hands of the Grammy organization, he suffered more blows to the head.

Dancing Paul

All over the media, it is assumed that McCartney stood up and was dancing to ELO of his own volition and told to sit down by a cameraman because…well…there is no because. Let me explain what happened… No one else was standing up. That means that the cameraman asked or directed him to stand up and dance. What we saw on TV was orchestrated by the booth, just like most of what made it to air. After they got the shot they wanted, we got to see the cameraman tell McCartney to return to his seat, which he did, consummate professional that he is, and now we all think he embarrassed himself.

Nope.

He didn’t.

He was just doing what he was told, or asked, to do.

Another Great Opportunity Lost

Instead of replacing a potted plant for Rihanna and He Who Cannot Be Named, Paul (may I call him Paul?) did belong on stage at one point during the evening. That moment was so insanely obvious, that the few WTFs I had left at this point were decimated beyond repair. The very idea that no one connected with producing/running.ruining this dog and pony show didn’t put two and two together and have a lightbulb go off over their head(s) will haunt me until the Grammy Short Bus conceived Stevie Wonder Tribute next Sunday when equally stupid mistakes will be made.

Jeff Lynne, a Beatle Fan without peer, his entire career based on the work of Mr. McCartney and Company, every song he has written a tribute to them in some way, and the producer of what I consider to be the greatest Beatle record ever recorded that neatly and beautifully summed up their entire run as the Greatest Band Ever,..was saddled with babysitting Ed Sheeran, a likeable young fellow with McCartney’s vocal range and a decent tilt to his head…which would have been just fine…HAD MCCARTNEY ALSO BEEN ONSTAGE SINGING AND PLAYING ALONG AND TAKING MR. BLUE SKY INTO A MEDLEY OF BEATLE TUNES THAT WOULD HAVE MADE JEFF LYNNE LIGHT UP LIKE A FUCKING CHRISTMAS TREE AND MADE FUCKING SENSE! WTF!!!?

I apologize for screaming at you…hope I didn’t get any spit on your shirt.

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Segarini’s regular columns will probably be ignored by the very people who need to read them

Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.