Bob Explains Easter Yet Again While Mary Magdalene Spins Plates While Balancing on a Ball and Skipping Rope

Editor’s Note: An annual event for boys and girls who believe in rabbits laying eggs, Spiral Cut Ham, and dressing up for a parade. Originally posted in 2015 but with some minor changes, expect this column to run every year on Good (why is it good…everything is closed) Friday. Yay Jesus! …and pass the mashed potatoes.

It’s that time of year again.

Get out your traditional Chocolate Bunny Shot Glass and bottle of Easter Tequila, put on your Wooden Cross brand Easter Bunny Onesie, put the dog out, and lock the kids in the basement.

It’s time to get your Jesus on….

Mary Magdalene Auditions for the 1st Annual Vatican Follies 1 AD

There was a time when Jesus was the only person who ever came back from the dead.

Oh sure, they kill off Superheroes all the time now, and they come back too, but Jesus…Jesus was Numero Uno.

The first Superhero, the Son of God, dead as a doornail, hanging on a wooden cross for all to see, miraculously rises from the dead days later and wanders into the desert, never to be seen again. I mean, he could have easily declared himself President of Everything and people would have had no problem with him being in charge, but no…the Dude just takes off and everyone shrugs and goes back to tilling the soil, fighting over a few hectares of sand, and coveting stuff. 2000 years later, we are still doing the same thing.

We have a very slow learning curve.

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2000 years is a long time to wait for someone to come back from anywhere. Seriously, even delusional wives and traumatized children give up within a couple of weeks when Daddy goes out for a pack of cigarettes or a newspaper and never returns.

We have trouble waiting for next week’s installment of our favourite TV show, popcorn to pop, or pizza to be delivered. We curse and honk our horns if the light doesn’t change quickly enough, and we are loathe to be kept waiting while someone takes their sweet time backing out of the only Shopping Mall parking space about to become available.

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And what if Jesus does show up with a new pack of Smokes in his pocket and a newspaper under his arm?

Does he even have a pocket in that robe?

Considering today’s mood and mindset, at least one of these things would greet his arrival….

Arrested as a possible terrorist.

Beaten up for wearing a dress.

Shot by a conservative white man who felt threatened by his swarthy complexion and unkempt appearance.

Shot by the police.

Shot by a 4 year old accidently while playing with his father’s gun.

Refused service in Indiana.

Declared insane by a team of medical experts and psychologists.

Denounced as an imposter because everybody knows Jesus is a good looking white guy with dirty blonde hair and sports Metrosexual manscaping.

No wonder he hasn’t come back….

…or maybe he IS back!

Jesus? Yo …JESUS? Hmmm …maybe Jesus. LOOKS like Jesus …Jesus!?

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There are many mysteries surrounding Easter. The religious tropes and mystical events that took place still engage the masses and add to the myth and majesty of this most sacred of Holidays.

Thanks to the Internet and the vast pool of information available to those who seek the truth, I was able to research some of the more mysterious and iconic pieces of the puzzle that is Jesus rising from the dead.

Chocolate Bunnies and Easter Eggs

This from someone’s blog. I thank them for their tireless investigative skills. I also curse them for making me want to rush out and buy one of these because, for some inexplicable reason, everything is closed on this, Good Friday. Why is everything closed on the day so many of us realize we forgot to buy a ham or baby carrots, not to mention the after-dinner bottle of cheap tequila?

Here, the story of the most famous and beloved symbols of Easter that not only remind us what a special weekend this is, but also pays tribute to Jesus’ love of chocolate, and egg laying rabbits.

He might not be in the Bible, but the bunny is a main staple of Easter in many Christian homes. He comes around to hide eggs for good children and leave them Easter baskets with little treats and toys. However, how the Easter bunny became associated with the holiday is lesser known. Below are 10 facts about the magical creature who rewards well-behaved children. 

Good children are rewarded on Easter. Bad children are locked in thetrunk of Mommy and Daddy’s car until Monday…so shape up, kids.

Religious Icons of Easter Explained!

The tradition of painting and decorating Easter eggs dates back to the 18th century when German people emigrated to America and brought their stories, History.com reported. Rabbits represent fertility and rebirth, which is also associated with springtime. Coincidentally — or not so much — eggs also symbolize fertility and rebirth.

When the German immigrants settled in Pennsylvania, they called the Easter bunny — a hare that laid eggs — “Osterhase” or “Oschter Haws.” The children of the immigrants would create nests so the Easter bunny would have a place to lay its eggs, which came out in different colors. Eventually, the nests involved into baskets and gifts and candy were placed in them.

The term Easter bunny wasn’t used until 1900.

There’s some controversy with the Easter bunny since its traditions have pagan origins. Christians explain the eggs represent Jesus Christ’s resurrection.

Some believe the Easter bunny and eggs are derived from the pagan holiday Eostre.

The New York City Easter parade began in the mid-1800s. It continues today on Fifth Avenue from 49th Street to 57th Street.

Aside from Halloween, Easter is the best candy-selling holiday. The jellybean became involved in the 1930s and the Peeps were thrown in the mix during the 1950s.

Chocolate Easter bunnies became popular in the 1890s and also come from Germany. The first was displayed in a drugstore by Robert L. Strohecker and stood at five feet tall, Smithsonian magazine wrote

Most chocolate Easter bunnies are hollow because they’re easier to eat.

Like with Santa Claus and milk and cookies, children leave carrots out for the Easter bunny since he’s famished from hopping all over.

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Here’s a Pair of Easter Songs

A perennial favourite of generations of spiritually awakened children and alcoholics. Contains the lyric, “Things to make your Easter bright and gay”…two things too many people are not, these days. I’m talking to you, Indiana.

Here’s a favourite amongst right-wing conservative Christians. It’s easy to see why they just love singing along to this at their social gatherings and witch-hunt meetings. First of all, it’s reallly simple, kind of like them, and second of all, most of them can count to 10, so…win, win. What really makes this great is the fact that Miss Tracy is, well…you know…proof that they are not racist. Actual proof! Right here in this video. Thank you, Right Wing Conservative Christians! …and please use the servants entrance when you leave, Miss Tracy.

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Selected Works from the The Right Wing Christian Art Gallery Easter Celebration and Gun Show

 Jesus Onboard His Favourite Rex, “Pookie”

Jesus Rides His Sports Raptor Into Town to Buy a Lottery Ticket

Jesus Explains the Whole “Apple” Thing to Adam and His First Wife, Beth

Jesus Teaching Gun Safety

Jesus Waiting For His Myrrh Dealer

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…and just to let you know….

Proof there is a God

Happy Easter everyone!

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Any Questions or comments, please write them in the Reply Section below.

Your Comments Are Welcome

Segarini’s regular column dances nightly on the piano bar in the Mermaid Lounge of the Burlington Holiday Inn and Bait Shoppe

Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.