Bob Continues to Explain Why the American Music Awards Were So Darned Magical

Miss Part One? Click here

There were only 4 responses to my request for comments favouring a Part 2 concerning the 2019 AMAs, 3 of which half-heartedly clamored for one (probably because they are nice people and thought if they didn’t it would hurt my feelings), and the 4th from an old friend and fellow scribe/music hostage/old guy complaining about how impossible it is to read these columns because of the white words and black background.  The words are actually light grey and the black is called “Midnight Black”, but try as I might (and believe me, I’ve tried), it can’t be done. AND, If I change it, 2500 columns will be affected and look like poop, so, sorry Richard. Also, having Glaucoma makes reading black print on white difficult for me, producing headaches and the occasional sneezing fit, so …I will send my friend a copy of the book when it’s finally done, which will be black on white, but with not many pictures, because other than my own personal pictures, the pictures I use in these columns I swipe from other sites and some want me to PAY for them! I mean, really …have you EVER?

Now then …where were we ….?

Ancient Supermodel Tyra Banks follows the ADD Trophy expert onto the massive stage dressed in what appears to be a hat and outfit stolen from Pharrell Williams and a hair extension that looks like a whole package of linguini stapled to the side of her head, and starts talking about ‘beauty’ and stuff.

With      a   pause  and   wordsthatruntogether followed    by     more                     pausing, followed bycrisp bursts ofwords with    a        delivery notunlike  …William        …..            Shatner, she introduces another  One Name Is All I Need suddenly-out-of-nowhere Superstar with the name we ALL wish we would have thought of …LIZZO!

I like Lizzo. At least I WANT to like Lizzo …but ….

Here’s the thing.

I admire her courage, and her confidence, and her voice, and her expansive comfort zone with herself, and onstage, but…

GIRL POWER! is a wonderful thing …but too many times I see it express itself by belittling all them OTHER bitches, and fucked up guys, and it is the kind of self-aggrandizing horse-puckey that used to be owned exclusively by bullies,  drunk jocks of the male persuasion, and the Gallagher Brothers.*

*Including President Clump in this list seemed too obvious, even for me. So fuck him, he ain’t invited.

I mean, she’s probably a sweetie pie in real life, but these songs, like so many from both male and female artists these days, seem to indicate that in order to raise yourself up and prove your Awesome, you have to tear down the Awesome of everybody else. I have more money than you, more friends than you, more talent than you, more bling than you, …and yeah, it’s empowering and gives hope to the downtrodden, but seriously, competing with men doesn’t include taking on the worst traits of the bully boys, not all men are jerks, and not all women are saints.

Not all empowered people are assholes.

We have all treated each other so badly in the past that this is the result …offense as defense …and the vicious circle continues.

But hey …they’re just pop songs right?

Harmless little ditties, catchy and bouncy, dance-y and fun.

P.S. -When James Brown was overwrought and singing about his pain and dropped to his knees in agony, he was covered with sweat and breathing hard

Cause it was real.

Because he meant it.

So did Janis.

So did Aretha.

So did Jackie Wilson.

Lizzo didn’t have to catch her breath and remained as dry as a well done steak on a paper plate

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Ciara plunks back down on the stage after Lizzo is wheeled off and her kneeling spot is hosed down (of course, I am only assuming this), dressed in a 2 yard dress made of 12 yards of material, and smiling like a lottery winner, Ciara tells us what’s coming up next like she announcing a wrestling match or a train schedule. My God, this is just getting more and more magic-y.

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Bounding onto the tarmac like the Red Eye to Los Angeles, somebody named Kane Brown (dressed in the currently hip sprayed-on-your-legs-wiggle-into-fashion pants beloved by the Boy Band-like Real Estate Agents that infest “Million Dollar Homes Los Angeles”, and sporting a top ten hair mangling from Super Cuts),  uses his introduction to introduce his ‘close personal friend’, Thomas Rhett (no relation to Butler) Mr. Rhett,who is on his 14th hit and feeds the poor in his downtime, leaps into the ring backed by what appears to be an actual band, and launches into his latest, “Look What God Gave Her” after asking 8000 screaming Red Bull fueled attendees, “What’s Up, L.A.”, thereby getting demerit points from me because what with all this magic going on, if he doesn’t know what’s up, Green Day better check their drug stash.

I’m not sure if this is supposed to be Country, or Country Rock, or Country Pop, or Country Urban Dance Rap Sad Core Bouncy Bounce, but Gawrsh Darnnit, I LIKE the song.

Not kidding.

How can you not like the first performance of the night that actually sounds like a traditional song and is performed like you would perform a song instead of being acted out as a tableau of Mimes petting dancers dressed like cattle on a stage dressed like a spaceship with more dancers made up to look like robots spinning plates on broom-handles and crouching a lot while clomping around the stage squatting down with their legs spread and their knees apart like they all have a load in their bathing suits.

Maybe later.

Here’s the OFFICIAL video of the song.

The actual AMA/Grammy/Whatever performances are always yanked off YouTube after a day or two because the accounting departments of record labels think the kids are ripping them off somehow.

I guess.

Fuck it, here’s the AMA performance too.  So much high five love and magic going on here. THIS kind of choreography is okay in my book. Makes it look like there are really good folks so close to him they can touch him. Notice the wrist bands on all the kids in the pit and next to the stage and runway? Those signify they are designated to be there for these fan/artist close ups. you will also notice similar checks on audience members …so roving cameramen can get them in frame or to stand up and emote at the proper time.

None of what you see is random or by accident …unless a dancer vomits on a fan and a fist fight breaks out and the director doesn’t have time to throw to camera 3.

I wonder when they do the screening and rehearsing of these segments ….

I can’t figure out why ALL performances at these awards shows aren’t done live with musicians on the stage and the song performed like it would be in an actual concert. It seems a missed opportunity to show potential fans that you are worth the ticket price of a live show and spike your popularity and attendance.

…unless of course, you are hopeless live without your dancers, autotune, loops, computers, singers, and …oh …never mind.

Segment ends with a commercial for the Wells Fargo/food bank organization Rhett participates in, and then we are informed that the next segment of the AMAs is sponsored by Wells Fargo, so …there’s that all-important connection between Art and Commerce …and in this case, it is a worthy one.

My typing finger is starting to cramp.

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Good Lord! Ciara is back wearing the same outfit as her last break! I’m shocked!

Same Damn Outfit

She introduces Canada’s own Shawn Mendez and Cuba’s Camila Cabello for a tag-team duet. Incidentally, Camila Cabello is Italian for “Your camel is beautiful”.

Okay.

Camila’s dress promised side boob, but the 2 sided tape held and we didn’t get any. It was nice to see she’s wearing stockings instead of pantyhose, making her easily accesible to Mr. Mendez should he get caught up and put the guitar down.  Then they launched into the song “Seniorita”, a teenage rutting ritual ditty which, among other head scratchers, contains the line “Oh, when your lips undress me hooked on your tongue”, which, trying to picture, gave me a headache.

The song also states how good they find each other’s taste, their bodies being referenced like an all-you-can-eat-buffet.

With all this sexish stuff going on all the time, it’s no wonder Adele, Tay, Lizzo, and others can’t hold on to a boyfriend …if you are under 30 and have millions of dollars it’s like a fucking rabbit hutch out there!

Judging from the drool on the lips of the wrist band-wearing camera close-up throngs reaching out to Ken and Barbie, this song has the power to turn even the sweetest of teens into lascivious, wanton, lust-muffins.

I, for one, hope they have protection ….

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Oh My God! Look at the time!

My finger cramp is getting worse, I’ve had to pee for the last 4 paragraphs, and now I think a cold shower and a deviled egg or two might take the edge off.

Great Scott! It looks like yet ANOTHER column devoted to the AMAs is in order.

Is Monday good for you?

Let me check my day planner.

Hmmm …Monday …ummm …that’s December 2nd …so …let’s see …yeah …good.

Alright I’m good Monday, so I’ll wrap this up then and …DAMN! I might get Gary Pig Gold’s December column over the weekend, in which case …hold on …PERFECT! If he sends one for Monday, I’m not expecting a new one from Vickers until he finishes building his Vinyl Gazebo, so I can finish up on Tuesday if Monday becomes unavailable.

Let me know if that’s okay in the REPLY section under this column. Let me know this time, okay. Quit making me guess.

Gotta go. Have a nice weekend and remember – George was Just as Good as John and Paul.

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Segarini’s regular columns are happy just to dance with you

Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.