Bob VS The Virus The Cabin Fever The Fools and The Pants

Day 12,985 of Self Isolation

Dear Diary …today, 2 of my favourite cockroaches and one of my imaginary friends, Delbert, Roland, and Pablo and I were discussing which pasta sauce stain on my robe resembled veteran Big Band leader, Harry James, when I thought I heard a knock on the door. Delbert and Roland scurried back under the stove leaving Pablo and I to try and figure out who it could be.

“Did you order any food?”, I asked Pablo, who was stroking his goatee like he was considering moving his rook to take either one of my checkers or the Top Hat from the Monopocheckerchess game we had invented back on day 11, 334 of this forced march, and waited for his reply. The knock was repeated.

Without looking up, Pablo said, “Get the door”, and waved his left hand toward the hallway where the door resided. When I told him “no”, he shrugged and moved his knight on my little race car. I hadn’t seen THAT coming. That Pablo is a sly one. “Why won’t you answer the door?”, he asked. I told him. I never answer the door because no one is ever there when I do. I’m not even sure we have a door anymore.

Saturday Night – Dinner For One in the Lonely Section

So now everyone on Earth has a common enemy, and according to Social Media, we can blame it on (or thank) China, Bats, the Jews, Uppity women, Atheists, President Meatball, Blacks, Blue states, Justin Trudeau, Pitbull, Fish Tacos, Greed, Cheap sunglasses, Dr. Phil, the Evangelists, Puppies for dinner, Mother Nature calling a Time-Out, Democrats, Larry David, Obama, the Bossa Nova, Gays, Lesbians, 3-legged transvestites, WHO, Kanye, deviled eggs, disco, 2 of the Kardashians, and people under five feet tall with anger issues. I’d like to thank all of the social media medical and contagion experts for doing the research and taking the time to share this valuable knowledge with those of us hiding under our beds.

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THE CORONAVIRUS/COVID-19/REALITY/HOAX PROS AND CONS

PROS – Cleaner air, less crime, cleaner, clearer water, more unity and respect, time to reflect, quality time with family (for some), a lesson in humility, and more self-awareness and compassion.

CONS – Financial crisis, stalled economy, anger and frustration, restricted movement, feeling of helplessness, fear, hostility toward others, loneliness, poor dietary choices, unkemptness, lack of diversion, no group activity, cheap gas and nowhere to go.

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HEROES AND VILLAINS 

HEROES – Front line care givers, delivery people, essential businesses, Assistance Organizations, Charitable fundraisers, doctors and nurses, customer care providers, grocery store and other essential employees, those making music, movies, and the arts available online. and the men and women responsible for keeping the infrastructure sound, and the internet, water and electricity flowing.

VILLAINS – People who side with and spread Greed and Avarice in all its forms, partisan political opportunists, impatient rabble-rousers, purveyors of fake news, false information, fear-mongering, supposition, rumours, have a lack of compassion and empathy, are blocking research, financial assistance for individuals in favour of corporation and big business bail-outs, stopping the launch of stimulus packages for individuals and small business owners, bereft of common sense, and loud, selfish, frightened and hostile individuals looking for trouble.

You know who you are.

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NOW FOR SOME DIVERSION

Yeah. George Clinton and Bootsy Collins meet you at the airlock and hand you a joint and an orange laced with acid. It’s like going to the Fillmore. Go for the exciting trip, Stay for the Probe

I have decided to devote my Hermiting to keeping myself amused and creating timeless nonsense. If I amuse you too, well, so much the better. By the way, fuck pants …they are uncomfortable and Fucking useless.

You can do more than just “Dance like No One is Watching”. because no one IS watching.

You can do whatever you want presently, because so can everyone else. Right now, many of us are home alone, amusing ourselves, letting the dishes pile up and having a breakfast beer. It’s Open Season on routine, schedules, healthy living and dignity. This is the time to stay safe, isolate, channel your inhibited inner-child, and release the hounds. Smoke a joint while you vacuum nude, whatever …this opportunity won’t last forever.

Kitty Cocaine Addiction has Skyrocketed since the Lockdown

A LITTLE OP-ED ABOUT MUSIC RELATED MUSIC STUFF

I just want to make it clear that I am against the elderly taking one for the team so that Muffy and Debbie and Todd and Brad can go to the club and have drinks and dance poorly as only rich, entitled, white people can.

I WILL make an exception for any Republican Senators and their blindly loyal enablers over the age of 65, to hop aboard the Heaven Bound GreyHound, and get the fuck out of the way. …and that includes the entire current administration of the You Ass Of ‘Eh and their open-carry constituents. Now, If you have finished counting the tiles in the shower, cleaned the fridge, stared out the window, tried to teach the cat how to flush the toilet, and spent the majority of the last 5 days trying to find your Senior Yearbook, take a moment to listen to this here thing-y.

I am sorry to announce that Darrell Vickers and my incredible first album’s release has been postponed indefinitely.

Not because of the coronavirus or Drake and Post Malone’s inexplicable popularity, but because we haven’t had time to record it. Or write it. Or even discuss the possibility of actually doing it.

In fact, this is the first Darrell has even HEARD about it.

It’s just that we’re both so busy what with building the treehouse, herding cats (where the fuck are you, Fluffybutt?), discussions about the best way to take out McConnell, (runaway bus or 6 lbs of C4 in his Lazarus Pit), learning how to do the Batusi on the roof of a moving car, and trying to keep up with the depressing onslaught of dark, edgy twaddle flowing like John Bonham’s lethal helping of his own vomit, in every episode of Ozark and White House Press Conferences.

However, knowing that these days, eye-catching graphics, smart, vague, branding, artifice, and cracker-jack emotional manipulation is far more important than the music, art, or talent it represents, here’s the album cover.

We’ll let you know if we decide to put anything in it.

GROWING OLD GRATEFULLY

One of the big debates in social media last week was the fallout between lovers of classic rock and those who MADE the classic rock. On one hand, classic rock fans LOVE the music that was made between the Johnny Rivers and Mitch Miller era right up to the Donna Summer and KC and the Sunshine Band era. So much so, that here we are 50 years later and Classic Rock Fans will shell out 500 dollars just to say they saw them (again) and how GREAT the GREAT bands were. …except this time, lots of them mentioned that the Classic Rock Gods were having trouble hitting the notes, looked old, weren’t quite as limber as they recall, and seemed …uhh …not like 50 years ago. Some defended them, most didn’t but forgave their Idols with a shrug. My Sharonna, Right or Wrong.

Well, here’s the thing, Bub …

All these “Classic” artists peaked in their 20s and 30s …just like we all do. Why anyone thinks artists are bound by some Devil’s contract to keep working to entertain their fans is beyond me.

Do they define themselves by their popularity, or fame, or performing? Don’t they have anything else in their lives that gives them joy …something that doesn’t need an audience’s approval?

There is no way on Earth I would want to do what I was doing in my 20s and 30s ..I DID them already. Had I not stepped away from it, I would never have had a radio career, or production, or writing, or realized that creating something amusing or entertaining doesn’t NEED any approval except my OWN.

Just a Couple of Sirs

Too many of us are obsessed with our youth and the music and artists we grew up on. Meanwhile there are NEW artists and NEW music that lies dormant, unnoticed by radio and Nostalgists, and because the old sources of music discovery no longer give a shit, you have to search it out …but few do …because the Old Folks are still making music and releasing recordings, and touring, because you just won’t let them go.

Radio people have always told me that “radio isn’t in the music discovery business”, and I always laugh. They never were …but the reason 75% MORE people used to listen to radio is because THEY were into discovering new artists and music …and radio used to be the best, and one of the few, places where the new music and new artists were.

Our old favourites are important to us because as long as they are vital, so are we. Unfortunately, they also remind us of our own entropy …our own mortality. Nothing lasts forever …but what they, and you, CREATE, isn’t going anywhere.

McCartney and the rest should have relaxed years ago, mentored new artists, built studios, opened doors for young people they inspired.

I love what my old favourites did …and I love what I did …and I would love to record the dozen or so songs I have laying around for ME, and anyone else who would want to hear them …but get on a stage and sing “Teenage Love” or “Goodbye L.A.”? Been there done that. It was fun. It was a great time in my life. …like all the other great times since.

So, Don’t be so hard on Elton and Paul, and the rest of them, after all, they still do what they do because of YOU. You can’t physically do what YOU used to be able to do as well, either. The will is still there, but the body betrays you. If you keep your mind sharp, or are lucky enough to have it STAY sharp, you can still create and be responsible for new art, new entertainments, new thoughts and ideas. …but your body is just a chevy as old as you are. So even if you want to do a leap and a bound across the stage and hit that high C above B and know HOW to do that, you will realize that you are driving a rusting Chevy Nova with a wobbly rear tire and a tail pipe dragging on the pavement. …and you’re still paying for it.

The best we can hope for is to be a 16 year old driver in a 100 year old Chevy, right up until it goes off a cliff and bursts into flame.

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I was heavily influenced by The Beatles with Revolver being the peak as far as I’m concerned, but the solo work from all 3 writers was mediocre at best compared to what had come before.

I can appreciate and respect their desire to individually prove themselves after the break up, and people’s adoration of them that is just as strong today as it was then, but to me, none of them ever came close. And with the exception of “Free as a Bird”, (my all-time favourite Beatle song and Video), McCartney’s first 2 solo albums and “Live and Let Die” were as close as any of them ever got to the quality of the song writing and performances of their previous output. Lennon never even had a horse in the race. “Imagine” is right up there with “Bridge Over Troubled Water” as a maudlin example of campfire Kumbaya posturing. “Beautiful Boy” and “Oh My Love” were well written songs, but John’s output sounded like demos most of the time …which marches on as always.

You can always tell the Nostalgics from the True Music Fans at concerts. The True Believers stay in their seats when the artist plays their newer material from their recent and current releases. The Nostalgists go get a hot dog, go to the can, or pop out for a smoke. They just want the hits from yore.

And when the Stones tour again (and they will) the seats will empty out when they play this tune just like they did on the last tour when they played “Doom and Gloom” …which is a shame, because both of these songs are great. Except for the REAL Music Fans, most of whom, like myself, saw them when ALL the songs were new …and we couldn’t get enough.

You had to be there.

…which is why NOW is the time to see Samantha Fish, Rival Sons, Dirty Loops, and Saint Paul and the Broken Bones, and ALL the great bands becoming ‘classic NOW. Bands that are fresh and exciting NOW …and if enough people figure that out, then these great artists can do a victory lap decades from now just like the old ones.

You have to BE there.

Be Well and Stay Safe

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Segarini’s current columns have trouble standing up after bending down to pick up dropped sandwiches so they just pile up on the floor

Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands Us, The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, The Segarini Band, Cats and Dogs, and The Anger Brothers, and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.