Darrell Vickers – Mick Fire For Hire: Chapter Five

Mick Fire is a flaming, insalubrious has-been rock photographer. When albums were king, he was the toast of the town. Then, he was just toast. With the coming of CD’s, his career sank quicker than a Pakistani ferryboat. His fairytale life consists of a long suffering daughter, a 23 year old girlfriend, an ex-wife, an agent who hates him, a room-temperature refrigerator and a dead ferret.  Then one day, as Mick is wallowing at the bottom of his self-made shit well, someone lowers him a bucket. A job! A job that could put him back on top. And that’s when his troubles begin.

INT. BAD GUYS CAR – NIGHT

Danny lounges in the front seat, enjoying a sun-cured Turkish cigarette. Manny is awkwardly positioned in the back.

MANNY

Wow, I’m really filling this thing up. If that Chipotle kicks in, we’re gonna need another Baggie, pronto.

DANNY

We’ll cross that yummy bridge when we come to it.

MANNY
So, what are we gonna do to this scum-nut, once we get a hold of him?

DANNY
Anything from crippled up to dead. Bruno said to follow our hearts, once the festivities get underway.

MANNY

(brilliant idea)
Maybe we should save all this shit and smear it all over his dead body – so when the cops find him – he’s all covered in shit!

DANNY

(shaking head)

Can’t. DNA.

MANNY

Fucking DNA.

DANNY

(nodding dolefully)
It certainly has taken a lot of the fun and creativity out of it.

There is a loud, fluidy fart.

MANNY (CONT)
Sorry.

DANNY
No problem. That’s why I lit the cigarette.

Of Monsters and Men – My Head is an Animal

VINNY (OS)

Mick. Good morning.

EXT. POINT DUNE BEACH – CONTINUOUS

The tide lazily rolls up onto the sand as Vinny walks his dog. He’s in sweats but looks magnificent in them. Lenny and Benny follow threateningly, in suits and dark glasses. Vinny is on the phone.

VINNY (INTO PHONE)

I know it’s early, Mick. I’ll talk and you can just listen and cough.

Vinny nods and Benny throws a stick. The dog chases it.

VINNY (CONT)
I’ve booked the Hollywood Bowl for this afternoon. I want you there to do some shots of the band.

Miley Cyrus passes him, going the other way.

MILEY
Hi Vinny. Hi Lenny. Hi Benny.

Vinny gives a smile and a wave.

VINNY

I’ve decided I want you to shoot the whole tour. We’re starting in South America and then hitting every major city in North America.

He holds the phone away from his ear. We hear soggy coughing on the other end of the phone. His dog returns and Lenny tries to retrieve the stick from the reluctant pooch. The dog growls.

VINNY (CONT)

I’ll see you at the Bowl at 3:30. The girls are already arranged.

Vinny plops the phone into his pocket, as he comes upon Archie’s head popping up out of the sand.

VINNY (CONT)

We thought we’d wander by and say hello, Mr. Bellam. Before the tide comes in.

ARCHIE
Merrrrcyyyyy!

VINNY
Quiet. You’ll wake my neighbors. Jenifer Aniston can be such a cunt, sometimes.

ARCHIE
I’ve got the money. Today. Now!

VINNY

The money and six of your best looking models. I want them at the Hollywood Bowl by 4:00.

ARCHIE

Sure. Eight if you want.

VINNY

Six is fine. No tattoos and nipples like gay trash cans on top of pink table cloths.

ARCHIE
Huh?

VINNY

(darkens slightly)
If they don’t have great tits, you’re dead.

ARCHIE
The very best I got.

VINNY

(to Benny and Lenny)

Okay, dig him up, boys.

INT. MICK’S BEDROOM – MORNING

Mick is sitting up on the side of the bed with his shirt off. It is not a pretty sight. Skychild lies naked and splayed across the filthy sheets. Mick looks a little out of sorts.

SKYCHILD

What’s wrong?

MICK
I’m not hungover. I’m just trying to get used to the sensation.

SKYCHILD

Are we still on for Thursday night?

MICK
There is every hope, my love. The blood is starting to return.

He taps his crotch.

MICK (CONT)
And some of the feeling.

Hounds – Puttin’ on the Dog 

We hear a phone ring.

FREDA (OS)

Hello?

INT. BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

Freda stands next to her bed and talks on the phone.

FREDA (CONT)

Hey Archie, what’s up?

(beat)

Really? The whole pajama? Sure. I guess so.

(beat – then excitement)
The Hollywood Bowl?? I’ll be there.

Freda turns her phone off and swivels around to a large dog on the bed. She strokes its head tenderly.

FREDA (CONT)
Great news. Mommy’s got a job, sweetie, and I’m going to take you to the vet, the first thing in the morning. We’re going to get you all better. I promise.

The dog lets out a little moan. She looks worried.

INT. RECORD STORE – DAY

Max stands behind the counter, while Fanny and Skychild sip on beers. A few customers mill about the joint.

There is a chorale group, wearing all black, assembled near the front window. Two violinists tune their instruments.

MAX

You want me to come to a ferret funeral?

FANNY

(deadpan)

So its Mustelidaen soul can finally rest in peace.

MAX

Listen, I know a lot of middle-aged musicians. So, I have to go to a funeral-a-week, as it is.

SKYCHILD
But this is different. Poor Ethelred didn’t drug and drink and smoke himself into oblivion. He was pushed.

FANNY
Then stuffed.

SKYCHILD

I just know I’m just going cry an ocean, if you’re not there to blow wind into my happy sails.

Max leans over the counter and kisses her.

MAX

Okay, I’ll do it Bunny-Cakes, but only because I love you.

FANNY
You’re in love with her? You’re in love with Dad’s girlfriend?

MAX
Are you saying I can’t be in love with a sweet, sexy woman? Shame on you. I’ll have you know I’m gender fluid.

FANNY
You’re gender bullshit.

SKYCHILD
Please, not in front of the holy choir.

MAX
And who are these assholes, again?

The violins start up and the choir begins to sing “Time to Say Goodbye.”

FANNY

(over the singing)
They’re going to perform at the burial ceremony. She picked them up at that weird church on Melrose.

MAX
That doesn’t narrow it down much.

SKYCHILD
Aren’t they great? Ethelred is going to be over the moon.

FANNY

Apparently Sarah Brightman is a huge star in the Ferret community.

SKYCHILD
Second only to The Wiggles.

Go to Sleep Jeff – The Wiggles

INT. RECORD STORE – CONTINUOUS

MAX

(smiling)

That’s fascinating. Excuse me for a second, sweetie.
(to choir)

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

They do.

MAX (CONT)
There. That’s better.

INT. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR HYDE’S OFFICE – DAY

A rather unimpressive place of business. A few pics of presidents on the walls. A few books in the shelves. A picture of Harry on her desk. Hyde reads a report and appears to be in a considerable amount of discomfort. There’s a knock at the door.

HYDE

Come in.

Cheryl Parker pops her head through the door. Hyde’s secretary is 28 and full of life and curiosity. Hyde winces again.

PARKER

Soooo, how was the anniversary?

HYDE

Actually, I got a bit of a shocker.

PARKER

What happened?

HYDE

Well, Harry stood me out on the lawn…

PARKER

You can get arrested for that.

HYDE

Ha. Ha. Anyway, I open my eyes and he’s standing in front of a brand new Lexus 350.

PARKER

Oh My God!

HYDE

That’s what I thought. Turns out he’d borrowed it off a neighbor to drive me to dinner.

PARKER

Well, that’s Harry.

HYDE

It sure is.

(rubbing her forearm)

You don’t have anything for a really sore wrist do you?

Jeff Beck – Live at the Hollywood Bowl

MICK (OS)

I want to do some action pics, to warm up.

INT. HOLLYWOOD BOWL – CONTINUOUS

An aerial shot zooming in. All the seats are empty, but the stage is abuzz with activity. The band fiddle with their gear. Knobs are turned and strings are plucked. Massive columns of speakers fill the stage shell. A crane looms over the leather clad musicians as they set up. Huge pillars of lights blink on and off.

Mick brandishes a large, professional looking camera and looks very serious.

MICK (CONT)

Why don’t you play a little “Jumpin’ Sweet Jesus” and I’ll just grab some action shots.

NOBBY
That old thing?

MICK

Humor me.

NOBBY
One, two, three, four.

The band hits the familiar riff. The industrial fans in front of them begin to blow their long hair up into fluttering head-capes. Major rock and roll is taking place. Mick is back. He runs around snapping pics like a teenage fan.

NOBBY
(singing)

Please take me out of the city

Please let me breathe for awhile

Please lead my soul to the meadows

Jumping Sweet Jesus I like your style.

INT. BAD GUY’S CAR – DAY

The two bad hombres sit bored and stare out the front window at the Hollywood Bowl parking lot. We hear the band playing in the background.

DANNY
It’s a shame neither one of us is gay.

MANNY

Like in that cowboy film?

DANNY

People are gay other places other than cowboy films.

MANNY

Tell me about it.

DANNY

If one of us was gay, we could break up the monotony of just sitting here by the gay one giving the other one a blowjob.

MANNY

Huh.

DANNY

Are you gay, at all?

MANNY

Nope.

DANNY

Bi-curious?

MANNY

Not really.

(beat)

Are you gay?

DANNY

Nope.

A small silence.

MANNY

(sighs)

Then I guess we go back to stupid word games.

DANNY

(sighs)

Sure.

MANNY
Bread.

DANNY

Butter

MANNY

Sandwiches

DANNY

Meat

MANNY

Cow.

DANNY

Herd

MANNY

Brokeback Mountain.

DANNY

(sing-songy)

One of us is gay.

MANNY

Nope. No way.

They go quiet and continue to look out the window.

=DV=

Please scroll down to leave Your Comments, Kudos, and Complaints

DBAWIS_ButtonDarrell Vickers started out as one half of Toronto area band, Nobby Clegg.  CFNY fans may remember the cheery song “Me Dad” which still gets airplay.  From there, he valiantly ventured to L.A. and eventually became head writer for The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.  Since then, he’s created numerous sitcoms and animation shows in Canada and the U.S.  He still writes music and has an internet band called Death of the Author Brigade (members in Croatia, Canada and the U.S.)   Mr. Vickers also had a private music mailing-list where he features new and pre-loved music.  Anyone who would like to be added to his daily mailing list, just write him at Radiovickers1@gmail.com

One Response to “Darrell Vickers – Mick Fire For Hire: Chapter Five”

  1. Damon Hines Says:

    Fun, I like.

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