Segarini’s Short but Sweet Scrapbook for Shut-Ins

DAY 16, 281

The wolves are howling as they draw near. Betty and the baby are swaddled by the fire, the last of the cook books and furniture keeping them warm for the nonce. I ponder our future as the last of the Redenbachers pop in the microwave. Bingeing the final season of Match Game with Gene Rayburn and contemplating calling Innabuggy ….

After a 3 month-long self-imposed exile in Ottawa, my esteemed roommate is heading back here tomorrow to change his socks and justify paying half the rent. …and as happy as I will be to have someone to talk to besides my reflection in the ever-increasing collection of empty bourbon, wine, and vodka bottles, his return poses a problem. In his absence, I’m afraid I became derelict in the responsibility to keep the compound habitable for human beings. Before he arrives, I must turn this Frat House Dorm back into livable space, instead of the aftermath of a 3 month Toga Party. Still trying to figure out how I got spaghetti sauce and hot dog remnants on the ceiling of the bathroom and under the bed ….

“It don’t come easy. You know it don’t come easy” – Ringo. The sad Beatle.

Segarini’s Short but Sweet Scrapbook for Shut-Ins delivered to your device with no contact and little regard. Stay safe. Stay home. Stay, Boo-Boo, Sit.

THE EARLY YEARS

As a Child, I Had an Enormous Bed Wetting Problem

An Only Child, My First Birthday Was Celebrated in the Yard So I didn’t Make a Mess In the House. Only My Best Friend, a Hedge, Attended.

I started working at an early age. Here I am heading out to makeup to get my signature look as Bobo The World’s Youngest Rodeo Clown. I was 6. My slogan was “Often Gored but Never Bored”.

I was always a welcome sight in the Clarabelle Ward at Saint Bozo’s Clown Hospital. I still have a Rubber Red Ball Nose inside of me from the last time Doctor Poopypants operated on me back in ’52.

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THE TEEN YEARS

Erroneously drafted at age 12, my mother rescued me, but got to Camp Delta Lao Z Hand too late to stop Army barber Dale “The Butcher” Evans from shaving off my beautiful long curly locks. I turned 13 on the way home.

Here I am at 14 being disqualified from a Buddy Holly Look Alike contest for wearing a cable knit sweater my grandma Kay knitted for me and insisted I wear. I was told that Buddy would rather die than wear anything like that. They turned out to be right. He was wearing a flannel shirt and a windbreaker when they pulled him out of the wreckage.

Also at 14. Waiting to go on a forced date with Donna Piggly. Her family owned the Piggly grocery stores, and my family and hers were trying to merge the two grocery empires by marrying us and creating the most powerful Grocery Store Chain in all the Kingdom. Fortunately, Donna was in love with Kevin Wiggly and they ran off together and eloped, and the rest is history.

At 19, I became the only tennis player to ever win at Wimbledon using a filtered cigarette instead of a racquet. I startled onlookers and the Press alike by dressing in my lucky chinos and jean jacket and specially made cuban heeled tennis booties. I was banned from tennis the following year for insisting I play while riding a mule and dressing like a fireman.

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THE POST-TEEN 20 SOMETHING MIDDLE AGED YEARS

Did a bunch of stuff. Much of it on drugs or drunk. I’m told it was a lot of fun and with little or no injuries to myself and others involved. I do have a limp and lean slightly to the right when walking briskly or it rains.

Me onstage on acid at Amherst College in Massachusetts. My double scoop French Vanilla Ice Cream cone had been laced with it by 2 Sorority girls who liked my pants.

My crew and I celebrating in the Presidential Suite of the Jimmy Durante Tropics Hotel in Las Vegas after successfully stealing 8 million dollars and a Bob’s Big Boy statue in broad daylight. I still have the statue, but don’t have a clue as to what happened to all the money.

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THE LATER YEARS

I have to pee a lot. I’m not kidding. Like every 5 minutes.

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BONUS ROUND

MUSIC OF MINE YOU PROBABLY HAVEN’T HEARD

These are all on Sound Cloud …which has an annoying habit of playing a bunch of songs after the first one, and I can’t find a way to stop it. Listen at your own risk after the initial song at each link.

The Segarini Band with Lawrie Ingles, Todd Miller, and The Segarettes – Sherman Studio Toronto 2007

Bob Segarini Rand Bishop Jim DeCocq and Travis Fullerton – Sunset Sound Hollywood 1969

ROUGH DEMOS

Bob Segarini and Some guy Who Was Hanging Around – Studio on Merton Toronto 2000

Bob Segarini – Thunder Sound Toronto 1978

The Family Tree – Gold Star Studios Hollywood 1966

…AND FINALLY

Remastering of the Miss Butters LP by Dave Bigham. First test track – 2nd pass.

The Family Tree – RCA Studios Hollywood California 1968

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Segarini’s regular columns never disappoint or give you the trots

Please leave any comments in the “Reply” section below

Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.