Darrell Vickers – Mick Fire For Hire: Chapter Eight (Episode 2 – Part 3)

Mick Fire is a flaming, insalubrious has-been rock photographer. When albums were king, he was the toast of the town. Then, he was just toast. With the coming of CD’s, his career sank quicker than a Pakistani ferryboat. His fairytale life consists of a long suffering daughter, a 23 year old girlfriend, an ex-wife, an agent who hates him, a room-temperature refrigerator and a dead ferret.  Then one day, as Mick is wallowing at the bottom of his self-made shit well, someone lowers him a bucket. A job! A job that could put him back on top. And that’s when his troubles begin.

INT. MICK’S HOSPITAL SUITE – DAY

Vinny is standing beside Mick’s bed. A large armed man stands by the door. A doctor attempts to enter but a beefy forearm hints that the physician should come back later. Mick is still a little giddy.

VINNY

I came over as soon as I heard. This is a terrible, terrible business.

MICK

You should see the other guy. I think I managed to scuff his shoe with my face.

VINNY

You are very brave to make such jokes, Mick, but this is very serious.

MICK

It sure is. My healthcare lapsed the same week Green Day released Dookie.

(looks around)

Say, where are all the other patients?

A sexily dressed nurse enters the room, pushing a cart laden with 5 star food and a bucket of chilled champagne. Vinny grabs a tiger shrimp off the cart and dips it into the bowl of gourmet sauce.

VINNY

Do not worry for one second about the money, my talented friend. All of this is paid for. Anything you need, just ask. First class all the way, until you are fully recovered.

She hands Mick a sheet of paper.

NURSE SAVORY
Would you like to see the wine list?

Mick looks it over. Very impressive.

MICK

You have the ’74! I should get the bejusus beaten out of me more often.

VINNY

You carry my card, Mick – that means that this outrage is an attack against me, also. You shall be avenged thrice fold.

NURSE SAVORY
And we also have Kosher and gluten free menus, if you’d prefer.

MICK

Do I look like I’m picky about what I eat?

The nurse pours a glass of Dom Perignon and hands it to Mick.

VINNY

Do you have any idea who might have done this?

Mick sips cautiously, with bruised lips, as the nurse plumps the pillow behind his head, her ample breasts rubbing against his ear.

MICK
Things are still a little blurry but I think the Sultan of Brunei might have had something to do with it.

VINNY

Brunei? Why would an oil rich nation on the island of Borneo want a photographer from Hollywood dead?

MICK

(painfully shrugs)

The guy with the big feet said something like Brunei.

VINNY

(wheels turning)

Could it have been Bruno?

MICK

Hard to say. But the shoes were definitely Giocomettis. They tasted a lot like Italian chicken seasoned with my own teeth.

INT. JONESY’S CAR – DAY

Abernathy finishes up a phone conversation. Jonesy is eating messy ribs.

ABERNATHY

(into phone)

Wow. Yeah, I get it. Thanks.

Abernathy swipes her off phone and turns to Jonsey.

ABERNATHY (CONT)

Vinny Veenstra, himself, is up there right now in Mick’s room.

JONSEY

Holy mocha Frapping-shit-o!

ABERNATHY

Exactly. This guy must be much higher up the chain of command than we thought.

JONSEY

How did this mobster fly under our radar for so many years?

ABERNATHY
(shaking her head)

I’ve gone over everything on file about the Veenstra gang. Mick Fire is “The Invisible Man.”

JONESY

Anyone coming?

ABERNATHY

(looking around)
Nope.

Jonesy takes his penis out and starts to relieve himself. Abernathy continues to keep visual guard. We hear the sound of running water.

ABERNATHY

Vinny has got two or three of his goons guarding Mick’s room. He’s got to be some kind of major fucking criminal mastermind.

JONESY

Cup.

Abernathy hands him a second Big Gulp cup.

JONESY (CONT)

(sighs)
And we saved that bastard’s life.

ABERNATHY
That’s what separates us from them, Jonesy. We don’t get to pick who lives and who dies.

JONESY

(shaking his bigger head)

It’s a damn shame.

Jonesy has finished his micturition, leaving him with two brimming cups of fluid.

ABERNATHY

(looking over)

You want lids for those?

INT. MICK’S HOSPITAL SUITE – DAY

Vinny enjoys a snifter of Napoleon brandy and talks to the doctor who was denied access earlier.

VINNY

I would like you to keep Mr. Fire amazingly happy.

(smiling)

Here is a thousand dollars, buy your wife a new wig.

Vinny deposits a couple of bills in the Doctor’s smock pocket.

DOCTOR

Actually sir, that won’t be necessary.

VINNY

Plus, if Mr. Fire remains happy until he leaves this hospital, you will receive a coupon for an entire year of free Chipotle.

DOCTOR

It’s certainly irresistible food, alright, but…

VINNY

(a tad darker)

But, if Mr. Fire should fall short of happy, they will be picking your children’s bones out of Coyote shit in Fryman Canyon. Do you understand me?

DOCTOR

He will get anything and everything he wants…sir.

VINNY

(he taps the Doc’s check gently)

Good man. Their Triple Taco is the perfect meal for the doctor, such as yourself, on the go.

INT. JUICE BAR – DAY

Nobby sits across from Tommy Lee and Belinda Carlisle. He is visibly upset.

NOBBY

Poor Mick was beaten almost lifeless at The Bowl last night and I want to throw a big tribute concert. Just to show him some love.

TOMMY

Jagger?

BELINDA
Fleetwood?

NOBBY
Fire.

TOMMY
No fucking way. That douchebag barfed on my wife’s tits.

BELINDA
Which wife?

TOMMY

(thinking)
I can’t quite remember, but whichever one it was, she was pretty pissed off.

INT. BASEMENT DUNGEON – DAY

Danny and Manny are hanging by their ankles, down in a room where no one can hear you scream.

DANNY

He was pretty mad, granted. But I’ve seen him way more furious than that. What do you think our chances are?

MANNY

Well, we’re not dead.

DANNY

That may indicate that there is some latitude for forgiveness, don’t you think?

MANNY

Or torture.

DANNY

See, there’s the negativity again.

MANNY

My ankles are killing me. Do you have any Neosporin in the car?

DANNY

No. Got some at home, though. The wife keeps it around for anal sex. It’s apparently very soothing.

Danny looks over at Manny to see if there’s any spark of interest. Not really.

DANNY (CONT)

Speaking of… worst case scenario. If it comes right down to getting tortured and whacked, I think one of us should take full responsibility for the whole screw up so at least one of us will make it out of here alive.

MANNY

And which mysterious one of us would that be?

DANNY

Well, I was thinking the gayer one of us might…

MANNY

I told you, I’m not fucking gay!

DANNY

You know, if you’re not going to come out of the closet and accept who you really are at a time like this?… well, it’s just very, very sad, that’s all.

Danny holds out his hand to Manny.

DANNY (CONT)
Milk gum?

INT. MICK’S HOSPITAL SUITE – DAY

Vinny paces while he talks on the phone. Mick is still gone.

Vinny

(into phone)
Kill him.

(beat)

Cut his hand off at the wrist.

(beat)

Is he right handed or left handed?

(beat)

Then cut off his left hand. I’m not a barbarian.

(beat)
Who? I thought we already killed that guy. I may be thinking of his brother. Put a pin in that one.

(beat)
No. Not literally. It’s an expression.

Fanny sticks her head into the room and looks around. Vinny sees her.

VINNY
(into phone)

We’ll pick this up later.

As Vinny pockets his phone, Fanny wanders further into the suite.

FANNY
I didn’t mean to interrupt. I’m looking for Mick Fire’s room?

VINNY
You have come to the right place. I had some orderlies carry his bed up to the roof, so he could have a smoke.

Madeliene Peyroux – Standing on the Rooftop

          NURSE SAVORY (OS)
We have Sobrainie Golds and Dunhill Internationals but if there’s another brand you’d prefer, we’ll procure it for you immediately.

EXT. HOSPITAL ROOF – CONTINUOUS

Mick sits up in his bed and looks out over the Beverly Center. He is surrounded by 4 beefy orderlies and Nurse Savory. She holds out an ornate box. Mick retrieves a couple of premium smokes from within.

MICK

Actually, “free” is my favorite brand. You guessed perfectly.

One of the orderlies bends forward to light Mick’s pick. Another hands him a Malibu Sunset, with cherries and paper parasol. He takes a big drag from his smoke and blows it skyward, with a smile.

MICK
Medicare For All can go fuck itself.

INT. MICK’S HOSPITAL SUITE – DAY

Vinny continues to charm.

VINNY

I am an associate of Mr. Fire’s. May I help you?

FANNY

I’m Fanny. Mick’s daughter?

VINNY

Ah, Fanny. Mick has told so much about you.

FANNY

No, he hasn’t. He’s way too self-absorbed and inconsiderate for that.

VINNY

Of course, you are right. Here’s 200 dollars. Buy your boyfriend some candy.

Vinny holds out some money. She looks at the much needed jack but does not take it.

FANNY

While I appreciate the offer, I don’t have a boyfriend.

VINNY

And you are also honest. I like that. Here’s 400 dollars – application to be determined.

This time, she is more than happy to accept.

FANNY

Thanks! I’ll put it towards a new fridge. Our old one is in worse shape than Mick.

VINNY

I’m surprised you, as his daughter, call him by his first name.

FANNY

We have a deal. I never call him “Dad” and he never acts like one.

VINNY
I see you share Mick’s peculiar sense of humor.

FANNY
Why do you think I don’t have a boyfriend?

=DV=

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Darrell Vickers started out as one half of Toronto area band, Nobby Clegg.  CFNY fans may remember the cheery song “Me Dad” which still gets airplay.  From there, he valiantly ventured to L.A. and eventually became head writer for The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.  Since then, he’s created numerous sitcoms and animation shows in Canada and the U.S.  He still writes music and has an internet band called Death of the Author Brigade (members in Croatia, Canada and the U.S.)   Mr. Vickers also had a private music mailing-list where he features new and pre-loved music.  Anyone who would like to be added to his daily mailing list, just write him at Radiovickers1@gmail.com