Darrell Vickers – Mick Fire For Hire: Chapter Eight (Episode 2 – Part 5)

Mick Fire is a flaming, insalubrious has-been rock photographer. When albums were king, he was the toast of the town. Then, he was just toast. With the coming of CD’s, his career sank quicker than a Pakistani ferryboat. His fairytale life consists of a long suffering daughter, a 23 year old girlfriend, an ex-wife, an agent who hates him, a room-temperature refrigerator and a dead ferret.  Then one day, as Mick is wallowing at the bottom of his self-made shit well, someone lowers him a bucket. A job! A job that could put him back on top. And that’s when his troubles begin.

SONDRA (OS)
I’ll tell you what I told Sugar Ray. If your band looks like shit – put a good looking chick on the cover.

INT. SONDRA’S OFFICE – DAY

Sondra is advising Gerard Way (My Chemical Romance). The door opens and Lenny saunters into the room. This does not sit well.

SONDRA (CONT’D.)
Excuse me. I am in an important meeting, here.

LENNY
Mr. Veenstra is wondering why you haven’t dropped by to see your most talented client in hospital.

SONDRA
(instant demeanor change)

Vinny Veenstra?

LENNY
He’s concerned that visits from loved ones and work associates, that play such a vital role in the timely recovery of the tragically stricken, is falling well short of therapeutic norms.

SONDRA
As a matter of fact, I was planning on visiting my dear old friend this afternoon.

LENNY
Vinny thinks now would be better.

SONDRA
But, I have appointments.

LENNY
There is a complimentary limo outside. It will be making one stop along the way at My Beverly Hills Florist. It is suggested you spend generously.

(turning to Gerard)

Are you famous?

GERARD

Sort of.

LENNY

You’re coming too.

GERARD

But I hardly know the guy.

LENNY
Mr. Fire would prefer mixed arrangements in decorative vases that he can later take home or resell.

BENNY (OS)

Hello. I am an associate of Mr. Veenstra’s.

INT. FIRE HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

Fanny has answered the door. Benny stands on the threshold, all expensive suit and smiles.

FANNY

That guy I talked to at the hospital?

BENNY

The very same. Apparently, he was substantially impressed with you as a human being. This is a rare and good thing.

Sky pops her head over Fanny’s shoulder.

SKYCHILD

Hi, I’m Fanny’s friend. What are you? Six-foot-two?

Benny smiles at her and continues.

BENNY

He informed me that you were experiencing some problems with your ice box?

SKYCHILD
Here it comes. I know exactly what he’s going to say!

Sky kisses the back of Fanny’s head. Benny pulls a de-buried Leonard into the door frame. He is wearing overalls.

BENNY (CONT’D.)

This is Leonard. He’s here to install your brand new Sub Zero refrigerator. Isn’t that right, Leonard?

LEONARD

Yes sir.

FANNY
(deadpan)
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

LEONARD

Our finest model. Free of charge and please no tipping.

SKYCHILD
(happy dancing)

Sky is going to get Fanny’s num nums!

BENNY

Mr. Veenstra believes in only the vary best for his friends.

FANNY
Are you sure this is for us?

SKYCHILD
Of course it is – my hot little step-daughter! I’m going to go find my smallest tank top.

Sky kisses Fanny on the back of the head again and runs off.

BENNY

Absolutely. Unfortunately, other picayune obligations dictate my absence during most of the instillation, but…

He shakes the back of Leonard’s collar.

BENNY (CONT’D.)

If any of Leonard’s work should not rise to your expectations in the smallest of ways, if he should say something even the slightest bit inappropriate or leave before every last single detail is completed and all detritus removed…

(he proffers his card)

please feel free to call me day or night and we will arrange for his replacement to make amends.

Leonard gulps.

FANNY

Ah, thanks.

Benny pushes Leonard through the door.

BENNY

So go measure some shit.

(turns to Fanny and smiles)

Day or night.

INT. PLANE – DAY

An attendant pushing a meals cart wends her way down the thin aisle. She comes upon an irritable-looking Ringo.

ATTENDANT

Would you like to buy… Excuse me, aren’t you Ringo Starr?

RINGO

Yes, I am.

ATTENDANT

Pardon me for asking, but why are you flying economy?

RINGO

Because I refuse to spend 15 fucking grand for Mick bloody Fire.

(beat)

These seats aren’t very comfortable, are they?

ATTENDANT

No they’re not.

Ringo shifts around miserably.

RINGO

How much longer have we got?

ATTENDANT

Nine-and-a-half hours.

RINGO

Oh.

(beat)

Could I maybe have a pillow?

ATTENDANT

(big smile)

You certainly may. That’ll be 10 dollars. We only accept cash.

Ringo remains unhappy.

INT. FANNY’S BEDROOM – DAY

Fanny lies in bed, with Sky wrapped around her. They’re both fully clothed – though, Sky’s wardrobe is noticeably more skimpy. They (mostly Sky) bask in a post dry-humping glow.  We hear banging and clanging noises coming from the kitchen.

SKYCHILD

That was utterly blam-tastic. I came like a fire truck.

Fanny puts her finger in her ear in an attempt to restore some hearing.

FANNY
I noticed.

Skychild strokes Fanny’s breast.

SKYCHILD

I can’t thank you enough for letting Sky on your thigh.

Fanny removes Sky’s probing palm.

FANNY

Please, don’t make this any creepier than it already is.

SKYCHILD

You were so fucking hot.

As Sky smothers the side of Fanny’s face in kisses, Leonard pops his head into the room.

LEONARD
It’s getting a little tight in there.

FANNY
You should have been in here a few minutes ago.

LEONARD
Are you sure you want the matching wine cooler?

FANNY

Put it in my father’s room. That’s where it will get the most use.

Leonard nods and goes back to work.

SKYCHILD
Phew, it’s getting a little warm in here. Shall we take our clothes off?

FANNY
Nope.

SKYCHILD
Would you like to dry hump me?

FANNY
Ditto.

INT. MICK’S HOSPITAL SUITE – NIGHT

Mick is still in bed. Nobby grips a small bouquet. The room is full to brimming with flowers. Burton, Randy and Ringo are set up in the corner of the room. Burton on a small electronic piano. Randy on an acoustic guitar. Ringo on Bongos. They’re playing She’s Come Undone. Nary-a-one-of-them looks too jubilant.

NOBBY

Vinny says he’s postponing our whole trip down to Colombia until you’re ready to come with us. He says you’re the only man capable of capturing our magic.

BURTON
(singing)
“And when she found out she couldn’t fly.

Mama, it was too late.”

MICK
That’s very kind of him. (beat) Everybody is being so nice to me. Even Sondra and some guy I hardly know from Chemical Romance were nice to me. What gives?

NOBBY

Sometimes, you don’t appreciate the precious treasure you have until you almost lose it.

MICK

That’s probably true, but I’m an unreliable, mean-spirited asshole.

THE BAND

(deadpan)

Hear. Hear.

NOBBY

(proffering his flowers)
These are from Stephen Stills. Izzy Stradlin is still out of town.

The song finishes in the background. Mick and Nobby barely notice.

BURTON

(deadpan)

Thank you. Thank you. For our next selection, we’d like to do These Eyes.

HYDE (OS)

So, I’m trying to get rid of Abernathy Love.

INT. THE IVY – CONTINUOUS

Assistant Director Hyde and Tommy Blade sit at a folksy table in the country cottage atmosphere of the expensive eatery. Tommy is in his late twenties and cover-of-GQ handsome. The main meal has been reduced to an overpriced memory and they’re now driving the bill north of three bills with dessert and fortified wine.

TOMMY

Why? I thought she was a really good agent.

HYDE

Too good. She’s younger than me. Smarter than me. Better looking than me and more dedicated than me.

TOMMY

But not as conniving as you.

HYDE

That’s my only advantage. At the moment, I’m taking the gentle approach to moving her along.

(she sips her wine)

I’ve been trying to make her quit.

(to waiter)

Hey you! This isn’t the 42 dollar port. If I wanted to drink Mogen Fucking David, I’d be eating with my husband in Studio City.

The waiter takes the glass and scurries of to the kitchen.

HYDE (CONT’D.)

I made her watch me shave my legs – shit, yesterday, I even made her wash my hair in the shower and touch my pussy and she didn’t even blink. Plus, I put her on 24 hour surveillance with Jonesy, and still no complaints.

TOMMY

That undulating fart-bag? Man, she must have been born without a sense of smell.

HYDE

I hate her so much, I could throttle a goat.

TOMMY

That kind of agent either ends up dead or with your job.

HYDE

Exactly.

(makes a face)

Does this tiramisu taste right to you?

He takes a little sample.

TOMMY

Tastes fine.

HYDE

That’s what’s wrong with it. For 28 dollars, “fine” don’t cut it. I expect it to taste like sex in my mouth.

(observing his impressive torso)

Speaking of my mouth. How’s your ten-inch bruiser?

TOMMY

(shrugs and smiles)

I haven’t had any complaints.

Hyde sexily slides her index finger around the plate, scooping up chocolate flakes and custard sauce. She suggestively sucks her sweetened digit clean.

HYDE

I want you to come work for me, so I can have it on hand… so to speak.

TOMMY

You can have it in the Uber on the way back to the office, if you’d like.

HYDE

(shaking head dismissively)

Then I wouldn’t have anything over you. We’d be equals. I’m equal with Harry and look where that’s gotten me. I want to be in command. Have you under my thumb. You can have Abernathy’s old job.

TOMMY

Doesn’t Abernathy have her old job?

HYDE

You said it yourself. She needs to be dead and the sooner the better.

TOMMY

(reacts)

Hey, now don’t get me wrong…

The waiter returns with another glass of port and timidly places it onto the table.

HYDE

Relax. I’m not planning to Epstein her.

Tommy looks very relieved.

HYDE (CONT’D.)

I’m going to send her undercover on the Mick Fire case. There’s no quicker way to get an agent dead and gone than to send them on a covert op.

TOMMY

This Fire guy is dangerous?

HYDE

(shudders)

Like getting a nitroglycerine enema in a Moon Bounce Castle.

Hyde takes a sip of her new drink.

HYDE (CONT’D.)

Soon, I’m going to be licking this sweet liquid off your nuts. Play your cards right and you’ll still be in the room while I’m doing it.

INT. FIRE KITCHEN – DAY

The girls gaze in awe at the Sub Zero, which makes everything else in the kitchen look like it’s from a doll house. Sky puts her arm around Fanny’s shoulder.

SKYCHILD
It sure is beautiful.

FANNY

And big.

SKYCHILD
And the custom wood paneling adds a nice rustic charm to the room.

FANNY

I like cold food as much as the next person, but this thing just looks freakish in here.

SKYCHILD

I guess it’s time to stock up on frozen entrees and Hot Pockets.

FANNY

How are we going to afford to fill this fucker? And who’s going to eat all that food, if we do fill it?

SKYCHILD

(nodding)
Hillary was right. It’s going to take a village.

There’s a knock at the door.

FANNY (CONT’D.)

Perhaps that’s the Food Fairy with a panoply of exotic cheeses and fish paste.

She heads to answer the door.

INT. HOSPITAL – DAY

Two nurses sponge bath an elderly man. Off in the distance, there’s a huge, somewhat familiar scream. Nurse One looks concerned.

NURSE TWO

Roger Daltry is getting his colonoscopy, today.

INT. FIRE HALLWAY – DAY

Fanny opens the door to find Benny is back.

BENNY

Hello again. Ms. Fire.

(indicating elderly couple)

These are the Nussbaums. Mr. Nussbaum is quite fond of playing the horses.

Mrs. Nussbaum bristles at this proclamation.

BENNY (CONT’D.)

Luckily, they own a small but thriving grocery store down on 3^rd Street.

MURRY/SHIRLEY

(deadpan)

We’re very happy to make your acquaintance.

SKYCHILD

You don’t know anybody who owns a cemetery, do you?

BENNY

I’ll have to look into that.

(to Fanny)

This entrepreneur and his wife have generously offered to provide you with some minor provisions for that beauteous Sub Zero that Mr. Veenstra was honored to gift you with.

FANNY

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition.

BENNY

Alas, my daily toils are often an extended list of things that you’re not supposed to do.

FANNY

I’m beginning to get that vibe.

BENNY

(to the Nussbaums)

So, go on, put the stuff away. Ms. Fire doesn’t have all day.

The lugubrious couple cart bags of groceries towards the kitchen.

BENNY

(smiling)
I do so hope you like Jew food.

INT. HOSPITAL – DAY

The same two nurses, from earlier, are giving a sponge bath to another old guy.

NURSE ONE

I just met Burton Cummings and Randy Bachman in the elevator. (sigh) They were so nice.

NURSE TWO

Of course they are. You know where they’re from.

NURSE ONE

The Guess Who?

=DV=

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Darrell Vickers started out as one half of Toronto area band, Nobby Clegg.  CFNY fans may remember the cheery song “Me Dad” which still gets airplay.  From there, he valiantly ventured to L.A. and eventually became head writer for The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.  Since then, he’s created numerous sitcoms and animation shows in Canada and the U.S.  He still writes music and has an internet band called Death of the Author Brigade (members in Croatia, Canada and the U.S.)   Mr. Vickers also had a private music mailing-list where he features new and pre-loved music.  Anyone who would like to be added to his daily mailing list, just write him at Radiovickers1@gmail.com