Darrell Vickers – Mick Fire For Hire: Chapter Eight (Episode 2 – Part 6)

Mick Fire is a flaming, insalubrious has-been rock photographer. When albums were king, he was the toast of the town. Then, he was just toast. With the coming of CD’s, his career sank quicker than a Pakistani ferryboat. His fairytale life consists of a long suffering daughter, a 23 year old girlfriend, an ex-wife, an agent who hates him, a room-temperature refrigerator and a dead ferret.  Then one day, as Mick is wallowing at the bottom of his self-made shit well, someone lowers him a bucket. A job! A job that could put him back on top. And that’s when his troubles begin.

FREDA (OS)

Mr. Fire? Mr. Fire, sir?

We match fade to Mick….

INT. MICK’S HOSPITAL SUITE – CONTINUOUS

Mick is asleep in his hospital bed. Freda – in a remarkably tight and short dress is shaking him as he stumbles back to consciousness. Nurse Savory is also in attendance.

MICK

Huh?

FREDA

It’s me again, Mr. Fire. It’s Freda.

Now that he sees who it is, Mick is wide awake.

MICK

You!

FREDA

I just want you to know that I am so, so sorry.

MICK

You keep saying that and I keep getting walloped.

FREDA

Sadly true, but I am going to dedicate my life to making this up to you, Mr. Fire.

MICK

Please, call me Mick. Everyone who can barely tolerate me calls me Mick.

NURSE SAVORY

May I offer you some wine and Kotoka Strawberries?

FREDA

Thanks. I’m starvin’. I had to take three buses to get here.

Savory pours Freda a generous splash of red.

NURSE SAVORY

This is the 2016 Mollydooker Carnival of Love. It scored 97 out of a hundred on Cellar-Master-Wine-dot-com.

          FREDA
(sipping and smiling)

It’s very nice.

She digs in.

NURSE SAVORY

I also recommend the pan-seared duck breast. The skin of the bird is meticulously scored to increase the surface area of the fat, allowing it to render off faster with greater exposure to the heat.

Freda excitedly grabs a few slices.

FREDA

(to duck slice)
Sorry, Donald.

She rips into her finely cooked fowl and talks while chewing.

FREDA

(sotto to Mick)

Now, I know you were the consommé gentleman and declined to help yourself to my “availables” previously, even though they were sincerely on offer…

MICK

And available.

FREDA

Exactly. But I just want you to know – it’s yours.

(she indicates her body)

The whole pajama. Anytime, night or day – decked up in anything that floats your boat. Just call and I’ll hitchhike to your house.

Mick holds out his large wine glass and Nurse Savory fills it to the rim.

MICK

No offense, but due to our brief history, I’m not sure I want you to have my home address.

FREDA

Of course you don’t. And teeth don’t grow back at your age, neither.

(to Nurse Savory)

Right?

NURSE SAVORY
The chances are slim.

MICK

Fortunately, I acquire most of my nutrition through heavenly liquids.

He takes a huge gulp of his cabernet.

FREDA

(fretting to beat the band)

Oh, what a mean and yellow custard I’ve made of everything. There must be some act of womanly kindness I can perform for you?

MICK

Not getting me pulverized would make a refreshing change.

NURSE SAVORY
I could give you both a sponge bath, if you’d like.

FREDA

How about one of my ultra special slobber jobbers, the ones I exclusively reserve for our brave men in uniform? Though, if your nards look anything like your face,

it’s probably best I leave ’em be.

NURSE SAVORY
They were a tad discolored and engorged this morning. Though, not totally without merit.

MICK

Perhaps a rain check.

Freda puts her hand on his crotch, through the bed sheet.

FREDA

I just want you to know that I’m serious. ‘Cause lots of girls’ll say stuff and promise things but they ain’t bein’ honest.

NURSE SAVORY
(shaking her head)

Ain’t that the truth.

FREDA

But I ain’t like that.

Mick begins to float on the buzz of the wine he’s guzzling. Nurse Savory helps herself to some vino.

MICK

I sense you’re a very fine and truthful woman, Freda.

NURSE SAVORY
(raising her glass)

Hear! Hear!

MICK

Why don’t you take a big bag of this food home with you and share it with Bobby?

Freda starts throwing food into her purse.

FREDA

You even remembered his name. I’m so choked up, I could cry tears the size of pickles.

NURSE SAVORY

It’s a shame Ringo and the boys missed this spread.

(throwing pounds of food into a separate bag)

The Kobe Beef is from Kinjiro.

EXT. HOSPITAL LOADING DOCK – DAY

The famous boys load their equipment into the back of a Rolls Royce Cullinan. Nobody but Nobby looks too cheerful. A large orderly has a smoke and looks on.

BURTON

You told me we’d be playing a tribute concert.

NOBBY

And it was. What better tribute is there than a concert just for one?

RANDY
Not cool, man.

RINGO
I flew all the way here from Venice. For four bloody songs!

NOBBY

Well, he was feeling a little tired. Hospitals can be very stressful.

BURTON
And they didn’t even feed us.

RANDY
Not cool, man.

RINGO

(pointing finger)

You owe me 10 dollars for my fucking pillow. I didn’t even get to keep it.

SANDRA (OS)

And Freda got upset?

INT. THE FROZEN COW – NIGHT

Carol is manning the counter and dispensing creamy delights. Sandra Zhang – a fellow scooper of iced products – is by her side.

CAROL

Yeah. Right out of the blue, she comes on all huffy like.

SANDRA
He grabbed her snatch. You were doing her a favor.

CAROL
I certainly was. She sure seemed happy as hell when that super nice guy sucker punched him. But I arrange to have the same asshole put in hospital, and suddenly I’m the bad guy?

SANDRA

She’s got her nerve.

CAROL

Well, I’ll play Dixie on a meatless tuba before I ever do someone a favor like that again.

SANDRA
Is that from the bible?

CAROL
I’m not sure. I think I just made it up.

SANDRA
Wow! Impressive!

INT. BAD GUYS’ CAR – NIGHT

Danny and Manny are back on surveillance and eating Chipotle. They’re across the street from The Frozen Cow. Customers go in and out. Carol – though barely visible – is behind the counter.

DANNY

I hate kidnapping people.

MANNY

Me too.

DANNY

It’s so much easier to just kill ’em. Then it’s all done and dusted.

MANNY

Exactly.

DANNY

Kidnappings – you have to find a soundproof hideaway.

MANNY

And they don’t grow on trees.

DANNY

You gotta feed ’em.

MANNY

Wipe their ass.

DANNY

You have to listen to ’em beg and plead and scream.

MANNY

(nodding in agreement)

Some nights, when get I home from work, my ears are ringing.

DANNY

And then you end up killing ’em anyway.

MANNY

(holding hand up and waving it)

Hello! Our time’s valuable too.

INT. FANNY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

All is quiet. Fanny is reading The Story of O with her left hand. Her right hand appears to be busy beneath the sheets. Her eyelids close involuntarily and her jaw goes slack. There’s a knock at the door. Fanny quickly retracts her hand from under the blankets and sucks off any incriminating evidence. She also conceals the book within the covers before saying, with a forced smile…

FANNY

Come in.

Sky pops her head into the room.

SKYCHILD
I’m lonely. Can I sleep with you tonight?

FANNY

(sotto)

Shit. And I was soooo close.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

A weary looking Carol trudges towards her car in an almost empty parking lot. As she searches for her keys, Danny appears in front of her. She is suitably startled.

DANNY

Excuse me ma’am, but do you have a Tareyton cigarette I could have?

CAROL
A what?

DANNY
It’s a premium cigarette featuring a patented charcoal filter. It’s widely reported that us Tareyton smokers would rather fight than switch.

This seemingly insane performance does, in no way, settle her nerves. She searches urgently for her keys.

CAROL

I’m sorry, I don’t’ smoke. Plus, I need to go….

A large rag is placed over her mouth, from behind. After a momentary struggle, her eyes close and Carol is lost in Morpheus’ sleepy arms.

INT. FANNY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

The girls continue to chat, with Sky sitting on the edge of the bed.

SKYCHILD
I just want to apologize for today… and some of those other days. You’re the last person in the world I should be offering up my plum pudding to.

FANNY

Please don’t call it that.

SKYCHILD

To tell you the truth, I’ve realized for some time now, that me hitting on you is wrong and even a little creepy.

FANNY

But you came on my leg anyway.

SKYCHILD

Well, a bet’s a bet.

FANNY

I think you’re making a very sensible, adult decision. You’re going to find that true friendship and familial companionship can be even better than sex.

SKYCHILD

Really?

FANNY

Well, almost.

SKYCHILD

See, I grew up in an orphanage and there were some real lonely times in there.

Fanny touches her crazy friend’s face.

FANNY

Well, you have us, now.

SKYCHILD

This is the first family I’ve ever had. And I just love you all so much, I could wear two pairs of shoes. I guess that’s why I get a little too frisky sometimes. Sorry.

FANNY

Okay. Cynical me is going to say something totally out of character. I love you, Sky.

SKYCHILD

NO SHIT??!!!!

FANNY

But not in the way Mom does, or Mick does when he’s sober.

SKYCHILD

So, we can just cuddle, right? Like sister and sister on a cold winter’s night.

FANNY

Sure. Like kick-ass sisters.

SKYCHILD

Right on!

Sky dives into bed and cuddles up big time.

SKYCHILD (CONT’D.)

You are sooo perfi-erfect and cuddleable. I’m not lonely anymore. I don’t know how you do it, all by yourself in this big ol’ bed. How do you get through all those endless soul-crushing solitary nights?

FANNY

It’s important, especially for a woman, to be her own best friend.

Sky pulls Fanny’s favorite novel from beneath the sheets.

SKYCHILD

What’s this book? The Story of O?

FANNY

(a little curt)

I don’t want to talk about it.

SKYCHILD
Why are the pages all damp?

FANNY

Just go to sleep.

INT. SOUNDPROOF HIDEOUT – MORNING

A naked and unconscious Carol is tied to a chair in the middle

of a large warehouse. Bruno stands in front of her as her chloroform facial wears off. Danny and Manny bookend their evil master.

BRUNO

(very cheery)

Good morning, Carol.

The sound of his voice brings her to consciousness. But he is incorrect. This is not a good morning.

          CAROL

(terrified)
What’s going on?

She immediately notices she’s tied tightly to a wooden chair… and that she’s naked.

BRUNO
I brought you here for a little conversation.

CAROL

Please, Bruno. Just let me go. PLEASE!

DANNY

(sotto to Manny)

See. It’s starting already.

Manny puts ear plugs in and sighs.

BRUNO
This is very simple.

Bruno squats down and slides his hand up, between her naked thighs, all the way to Altuna. Carol gasps.

BRUNO (CONT’D.)
After I’ve had a little fun, you’re going to tell me everything you know about Mick Fire.

INT. FANNY’S BEDROOM – MORNING

Fanny is awoken by a knocking at the door. She slips Sky’s arm off her and pulls on some sweats to cover her naked butt, before heading out of the room.

INT. FIRE HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

The knocking continues.

FANNY
All right! All right! That door’s made out of balsa wood. Don’t bust it down.

Fanny opens up to see Benny.

BENNY
Good morning, Ms. Fire. I have brought you something I think you will like.

FANNY

Listen I appreciate the fridge and the food. I do. It’s inexplicably kind of Vinny, but this has to stop right…

Benny steps aside to reveal Mick held up by a cane.

FANNY

(losing herself for a second)

Dad!

MICK
In the glowing flesh, sweet child of mine. I’m on some simply stupendous medications.

We now see that Mick’s other side is being held aloft by Nurse Savory.

BENNY
Mr. Veenstra felt that Mr. Fire’s homestead and bed would be the most propitious location to convalesce.

Nurse Savory helps Mick into the apartment.

BENNY (CONT’D.)
Of course the money that Vinny was paying to the hospital will now go to you.

FANNY
No. No. I’m afraid I can’t…

SKY (OS)
FUNERAL MONEY!!!

The camera reveals Sky doing her happy dance.

FANNY
(rolls her eyes and shrugs)

That’s very generous.

Sky grabs Fanny and Terpsichores around the hall.

=DV=

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Darrell Vickers started out as one half of Toronto area band, Nobby Clegg.  CFNY fans may remember the cheery song “Me Dad” which still gets airplay.  From there, he valiantly ventured to L.A. and eventually became head writer for The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.  Since then, he’s created numerous sitcoms and animation shows in Canada and the U.S.  He still writes music and has an internet band called Death of the Author Brigade (members in Croatia, Canada and the U.S.)   Mr. Vickers also had a private music mailing-list where he features new and pre-loved music.  Anyone who would like to be added to his daily mailing list, just write him at Radiovickers1@gmail.com