It’s Birthday Week for Hat and Pants! – The Canarican

I am a Proud Canarican …or at least I will be again once President Flubber and His Band of Lost Socks are incarcerated or incinerated (choose one), and Adults are back running our Pants.

To celebrate, I offer up this heavily researched, thoroughly accurate FAQ sheet listing the differences between Our Great Land, and Our Once Great Pants.

Most of the following was originally posted in 2015, when the world was a different place. There was cleaner air, prettier sunsets, better television reception, and more than enough Gummy Bears. All of that changed after the advent of the Man Bun and Robot Bingo Callers. No…wait…that was a dream I had after a night of fish tacos and Metaxa.

Never mind….

Unlike the Man Without a Country, I am a man with TWO countries. The Country of my birth, the United States of America, and the Country I choose to live in and love with all my heart, Canada.

On this, the birthday of Canada, just 3 days prior July 4th, a hallowed and fiercely proud day for the country of my origin, (known to some as Canada’s Pants, and to others around the world as Those Greedy Bastards), today is a hallowed and beer-fueled and proud day for the country where I get my mail (known to some as America’s Hat and to others around the world as Those Nice Folks Who Live Amongst the Moose and Apologize for Everything), I have decided to extol the virtues and the differences between America’s Hat and Canada’s Pants. So, crack open a Bud Lime and open a bag of Hostess Poutine and Joe Louie Infused Kale Chips, and find your reading glasses. (They’re on your head, Einstein….)

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Where I was Born

San Francisco. A beautiful city on the water with cable cars, great food, wonderful music, the Golden Gate Bridge, Coit Tower, and a huge ethnic population including a large LGBT community. Tony Bennett sings its praises.

Where I Live

Toronto. A beautiful city on the water with streetcars, great food, wonderful music, Ashbridges Bay Park, the CN Tower, and a huge ethnic population including a large LGBT community. Tommy Ambrose sings its praises.

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Popular Television Shows

Canada’s Pants

The Big Bang Theory, The Walking Dead, Baywatch, The Dukes of Hazzard, The Bachelor, Survivor.

America’s Hat

Schitt’s Creek, The Trouble With Tracy, The Beachcombers, Trailer Park Boys, Dragon’s Den.

Popular Radio Shows

Canada’s Pants

Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Howard Stern, Voice-Tracked Classic Rock Shows

America’s Hat

John Derringer, Terry David Mulligan, David Marsden, Amber Alerts.

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Hat and Pants Fun Facts

Canada’s total population is less than that of the state of California.

America is a Melting Pot

Canada is a Stew

America’s second language is Spanish

Canada’s second language is almost French

America has a Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter

Canada has Winter and Construction

America has Beer and Bourbon but everybody drinks Scotch

Canada has Better Beer and Rye but everybody drinks Scotch

America has a President, some good, some bad

Canada has a Prime Minister, some good some bad

America had a President who had an Enemies List

Canada had a Prime Minister who took advice from his dog

America takes its football seriously

Canada takes its hockey seriously (except the Toronto Leafs organization, who don’t appear to take it seriously at all)

America had to break away from England

Canada had to break away from France, and England, and America

America has The American Dream

Canada IS The American Dream

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Who is More Likely to Say the Following, Hat or Pants….

“Watch it, Bub”

“Excuse me”

“Dammit! I left my wallet in a cab”

“Here’s your wallet, Sir, I found it in a taxi”

“Give me a ticket to the Monster Truck Rally”

“May I please have a ticket to the Ice Capades”

” I’m taking my vacation in Hawaii”

“I am going on Holiday in Cuba”

“Pass the ketchup”

“May I please have the malt vinegar”

” I’m going to do something about that”

“I’m going to write a letter to the Editor”

“Fer chrissakes, take Bieber back”

“Please keep Bieber there. Thank you”

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Politics

Choose One….

Donald Trump or a Moose

Justin Trudeau or Donald Trump

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Why I Moved to Canada in the First Place….

Billboard Magazine 1972

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Things I Love about America

The amount of food you get in a restaurant.

My cousins.

My hometown of Stockton, California and the childhood I spent there.

The smell of the Pacific Ocean, the seaweed and kelp drying in the sun on the beach, the call of the seagulls, the salt water breeze.

The beauty of the Redwoods and Yosemite National Park

The excitement, hustle and bustle and vibe of New York City especially Manhattan.

Summers in Tahoe, Pinecrest, and Eureka California

Pink’s Hot Dogs, Cioppino, and Crab Louie’s, Tamales, and Cal-Mex enchiladas, Stockton’s asparagus and Bruno’s Peppers.

Taking the train from Sacramento, California to NYC.

Most of the weather

The outspokeness of the people

The prices

The Sierra Nevada foothills and the mountains themselves

California summer nights

The amount of ice bartenders put in the glass

Bloody Marys

A barbecued steak at Al the Wops in Locke, Calif, Clams at the Latin Quarter in Cherry Hill NJ, Pasties in the Midwest, Manhattan Clam Chowder, Frozen Red Hot brand Tamales, Tom’s Spicy Tomato Juice, 7oz. cans of Coors Banquet Beer, Genoa Bakery, and the  breeze coming off the water driving on the levees through the San Joaquin  Delta.

Things I love about Canada

My daughter and her family

My friends

The music and the people who write and perform it

The bars and venues where you can hear the music

The food and the restaurants

Seafood in Halifax and PEI

Montreal’s ambiance and of course, the food

Summer in Toronto

The Rockies, Banff, and Jasper

London, Hamilton, and Niagara in Ontario

The train across the country

Toronto’s Little Italy, Chinatown, and Queen Street

The Dundas/Ossington corridor

Vaughn, Ontario’s Centre street Deli, Toronto’s Harbour Sixty, Rancho Relaxo, and New Ho King

Streetcars

The View from my Apartment

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Things I Dislike in Both Countries

Traffic

The God Damn wind! Spoils too many days. Breeze, Oui, Wind, Not so Oui.

Bad drivers

Worse pedestrians

Bicycles on major streets

Stupid, intrusive, childish, and unconstitutional/non-charter government control of smoking laws, gas, liquor and cigarette taxes

Transit stopping before restaurants and bars close

No place to park

Politics. Government would be better off without them

What has happened to radio

Extreme conservatives and liberals

Toques and Hoodies

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No matter how you look at it, The Pants and The Hat are still much better than most other places. We are very lucky to be where we are.

We do need to protect what we have here, but not from threats from the outside as much as we need to protect ourselves from the threats from within.

We celebrate on the First and Fourth of July for good reasons…let’s not forget what those reasons are.

…like some of us already have.

For the rest of us …put on yer goddam masks when you leave the house.

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Be safe, be well, be grateful.

Happy Birthday Hat!

Happy Birthday, Pants!

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Any Questions or comments, please write them in the Reply Section below.

Your Comments Are Welcome

Segarini’s regular columns appear here whenever a puppy and a kittie make someone smile until they tear up the couch or poop in your shoes

Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.