Darrell Vickers – Mick Fire For Hire: Chapter Eight (Episode 3 – Part 3)

Mick Fire is a flaming, insalubrious has-been rock photographer. When albums were king, he was the toast of the town. Then, he was just toast. With the coming of CD’s, his career sank quicker than a Pakistani ferryboat. His fairytale life consists of a long suffering daughter, a 23 year old girlfriend, an ex-wife, an agent who hates him, a room-temperature refrigerator and a dead ferret.  Then one day, as Mick is wallowing at the bottom of his self-made shit well, someone lowers him a bucket. A job! A job that could put him back on top. And that’s when his troubles begin.

FRANK (OS)

That song of yours, I Shot the Sheriff? It’s really become the guiding light in my life.

INT. CRATER AND SAND RECEPTION AREA – DAY

Frank leans on the fridge, talking to Eric Clapton. Henry Rollins and Marilyn Manson compare tattoos in the background.

ERIC

I can’t really take credit for writing it, that was…

FRANK

(in his own world)

Yeah, I’ve always wanted to go out in a blaze of fucking glory, taking as many of those sons of bitches, who said I was too mentally unstable to be a cop, with me.

(takes out gun and faux fires it)

Bladam, bam, bladam!

ERIC

I have other hits. Sunshine of Your Love?

FRANK

(shaking head)
Nah, I burn really easily.

Mick, without a hint of sobriety, strides up to the superstar.

MICK

Excuse me Eric?

(quick thought)

Sorry about throwing up on your wife that time, by the way.

ERIC
No problem. Luckily, she had another bra in her purse.

MICK

(to Frank)

I need to see Sondra, immediately.

FRANK

Do you have an appointment?

MICK

You’re a security guard, not her fucking social secretary.

Eric takes this opportunity to tip-toe away from Frank.

FRANK

You’re right, I’m not. Because social secretaries aren’t empowered to blow your fucking head off.

Frank stuffs his gun under Mick’s nose.

MICK
Now listen here, you gun-toting troglodyte…

Nurse Savory takes a needle out of her purse and jabs it into Frank’s arm.

FRANK
Ow.

(increasingly woozy beat)

Fanargle? Spit path frump…

Frank’s eyes roll around and he collapses on the floor. Mick looks at his angel of mercy with a new admiration

NURSE SAVORY
I learned that trick off Courtney Love. It’s helped her get her into more clubs and pharmacies…

INT. BAD GUY’S HIDEOUT – DAY

Carol has managed to find a mechanic’s shirt and some flip flops. Manny is lying, doubled up, on the concrete floor.

CAROL
Well, I’d better be off. I’m sure your friends will be back soon to help stop the bleeding.

MANNY

(in a lot of groin pain)
Don’t leave me! If they come back and you’re gone, they’ll kill me.

CAROL

Judging by all the hacksaws, bleach and plastic sheets over there, you were planning on doing the same thing to poor, naked, hold-her-over-a-toilet me.

MANNY

But you said I was nice. I trusted you.

CAROL

You trusted me to suck your dick.

MANNY

A relationship has to start somewhere.

CAROL

(defiant arms akimbo)

Relationship? I’ve got your boss’s fingerprints on my fallopian tubes.

MANNY

Agreed, he was out of line. But think. You can’t go home, they’ll find you. I have money. I can get us out of this.

CAROL

And just what the fuck am I supposed to do? Carry You? You don’t look like you’re exactly ready to go jogging.

This gives Manny some pause. Then!

MANNY
We have a body-parts cart!

Carol reacts.

INT. BOB’S APARTMENT – DAY

Abernathy leans on the front door, peering out the peephole. She takes a small break to sip a soda and then goes right back on watch. Another second and…Bingo!

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

Fanny carts a big bag of garbage to the chute. Suddenly, Bob’s door swings opens and Abs acts surprised to see her quarry.

ABERNATHY
Oh hi! I’m your new neighbor, Sarah.

FANNY

(really?)

You’re renting a room from Bong-a-Minute Bob?

ABERNATHY
Not much choice. It’s super expensive in this town. I just moved here from Wyoming.

FANNY

Well, at least you’re used to the overpowering smell of cattle. Of course cows don’t spend half the day scratching their nutsacks, but that too will just become a part of your every day, fairytale life.

Abernathy practically blushes. She has an instant attraction to this ballsy girl with a sense of humor.

ABERNATHY
(flirtatious smile)

I think I’m going to like you.

FANNY

That’s because you don’t know my father.

ABERNATHY
So, did this father of yours give you a name?

FANNY

Sold one to me. It’s Fanny. I wanted a much cooler name like Sarah but I was very young and Fanny was all I could afford.

ABERNATHY
Very pleased to meet you, Fanny.

FANNY

Well, we shall probably meet this way again. Although my family doesn’t have any money, we have loads and loads and loads of garbage. Go figure.

Fanny holds up her bag of discarded treasures and foodstuffs.

ABERNATHY

(a little too flirty)
I’ll look forward to it!

FANNY

I’ve got to go. But, if there’s anything you need, we probably need it too, so I’d appreciate it if you could pick some up for us.

Fanny continues down the hallway with her refuse. Abernathy watches her go, a small appreciative smile creasing her lips.

INT. SONDRA’S OFFICE – DAY

Sondra and Mick are in the middle of a conversation. Savory stands patiently to one side.

SONDRA
Well, that’s your own fucking look out, isn’t it, grave-bait. Nothing to do with me.

MICK
You got me this gig!

SONDRA

I’m an agent. I get people – even drunken little shit-dribblers like you “gigs”. You’re a photographer. So, go take some fucking photographs!

MICK

I’m blocked. I’m scared. I’ve got a fridge the size of the Washington Monument in my goddamn kitchen.

SONDRA

Then I suggest you get unblocked before Vinny Veenstra pulls that feculent, oozing sludge monkey of a brain of yours out through your eye sockets.

MICK
What the fuck, have you been taking insult lessons from Johnny Rotten?

NURSE SAVORY

(holding up needle)

Shall I give her a shot?

SONDRA

You just try it, Florence Nightingale! I’ve got a psychopath for a security guard in the next room.

INT. CRATER AND SAND RECEPTION AREA – CONTINUOUS

Frank is where we left him, completely unconscious on the carpet. Members of Motley Crue and Korn stand around. Frank has an almost life-sized person made out of glued-together Styrofoam cups (with stir sticks for hair) standing on his chest.

NIKKI SIXX

We once built a fully functioning water fountain on top of Tommy Lee.

Korn are impressed.

INT. SONDRA’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Sondra is unconscious and slumped over her desk.

MICK

So, do you think Sondra’s typically dark and pessimistic view of the situation has any merit?

NURSE SAVORY

If you fail, Vinny will most certainly have you killed. Very, very slowly. Probably utilizing a waffle maker and calking guns.

MICK

(grasping at straws)

But true art. Inspiration. Those aren’t things that can be just magically ordered up.

NURSE SAVORY

Unfortunately, the same rules do not apply to having someone’s tongue hammered out of their mouth.

MICK

If only there was an easy way out of this whole mess.

NURSE SAVORY

There is a way out.

MICK

(hopeful)

What is it?

She holds up the syringe.

NURSE SAVORY

Twice as much of this stuff.

EXT. L.A. STREET – DAY

Carol miserably pushes a rusty flatbed down the sidewalk in a rather dowdy part of town. Manny is lying on the cart with a filthy tarpaulin covering him.

CAROL

I can’t believe I am doing this.

MANNY

Nya aaa ahh!

CAROL
Oh, shut the fuck up!

Carol continues to push miserably.

INT. CHIPOTLE – DAY

Jonesy wolfs his way through several large dishes of Mexican food. Abs sips her soft drink and nibbles a Queso Blanco.

ABERNATHY

I’ve made contact with Fanny, the daughter. I like her.

Jonesy momentarily stops chowing down and looks up at his partner.

JONESY

Uh oh. Don’t get compromised.

ABERNATHY

What are you talking about?

JONESY

I’m talking about you.

(romantic imitation)

“I like her.”

ABERNATHY

What are you trying to imply?

JONESY

That this gal has obviously struck a naughty nerve with you.

ABERNATHY

I’d stick to pissing in cars, Jonesy. Psychoanalysis may be a little bit out of your league.

JONESY

Okay. Do you like me?

ABERNATHY

Yeah, sure… I like you.

JONESY

We’ve been partners for 3 years. You’ve known this chick for 10 minutes. Listen very closely to the difference between the way you said those two “likes?” Be very, very careful.

A scintilla of what Jonesy is saying resonates with our love-starved cop. He goes back to wolfing.

FUNERAL GUY (OS)

Before we begin, let me state how truly sorry I am for your loss in this time of ultimate sorrow.

INT. FOREST LAWN CEMETERY OFFICE – DAY

Fanny and Sky sit across from the funeral director in a very plush office. Both are wearing black dresses and funeral veils. As the head mortician begins his spiel, the girls pull their veils up. Sky takes out a hanky and wipes away a rehearsed tear.

SKYCHILD
Thanks so much. It comes over you in waves.

FANNY
Much like an elephant would.

FUNERAL GUY

(confused laugh)

Ha ha?

(returning to business)

There are a number of funeral packages that we offer here at…

SKYCHILD

What’s the best one?

FUNERAL GUY

That would be our Elegance Package. It includes the use of our glorious church for the ceremony. Flowers. An 8,000 dollar casket.

SKYCHILD

We already have a casket. Spend that money on more flowers.

FUNERAL GUY

It is your decision, of course, but that would be an awful lot of flowers.

FANNY

He spent a majority of his undead time amongst and under the fecund flora of this fair land – I’m sure he would appreciate it.

FUNERAL GUY
Embalming…

SKYCHILD
Already done.

FANNY
More flowers.

The flustered funeral director writes the details into his book.

FUNERAL GUY

The funeral ceremony and our finest casket coach.

SKYCHILD

What’s that? He’s dead. I’m not sure how much coaching he’s going to need.

FUNERAL GUY

A casket coach is our deluxe hearse that will transport the guest of honor to the cemetery. Where is the diseased interred?

FANNY

In our kitchen, right next to the toaster.

FUNERAL GUY

Excuse me?

INT. BAD GUY’S HIDEOUT – DAY

Danny and Bruno stand in the middle of the warehouse, staring in shock at the empty chair and copious amounts of blood.

DANNY

I don’t get it.

BRUNO

She was tied up.

DANNY

Where is Manny?

BRUNO

Who’s blood is this?

Danny looks over to the corner of the warehouse.

DANNY
The body-parts cart is gone.

BRUNO

(this is bad)

Fuck.

=DV=

Please scroll down to leave Your Comments, Kudos, and Complaints

Darrell Vickers started out as one half of Toronto area band, Nobby Clegg.  CFNY fans may remember the cheery song “Me Dad” which still gets airplay.  From there, he valiantly ventured to L.A. and eventually became head writer for The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.  Since then, he’s created numerous sitcoms and animation shows in Canada and the U.S.  He still writes music and has an internet band called Death of the Author Brigade (members in Croatia, Canada and the U.S.)   Mr. Vickers also had a private music mailing-list where he features new and pre-loved music.  Anyone who would like to be added to his daily mailing list, just write him at Radiovickers1@gmail.com