Segarini – Day in the Life

Let me tell you about my day ….

I woke up at 1:40 am

Again at 3:20

Yet again at 4:45

and again at 7:01

and finally at 8:20 am

Got up twice to pee, once to turn the TV off, once to turn the TV on, once to get some ice water and turn the TV off again, and once to turn the TV back on and watch CNN, Carnival Eats, and an episode of Million Dollar Listings: New York and then got up to grab a Monster Sugar Free Energy Drink out of the fridge and go to work on my column. Turned off the TV again before I left the bedroom at 10:20 ….

The Aquaman Diet with lemon juice and Sauce of Tartar

Before I could put pen to paper (fingers to keyboard) I had to perform a ritual I have been following for over 25 years …eating food and taking a handful of pills to keep my Adult Onset Type Two Diabetes from killing me because I looked longingly at a donut …not to mention the ice cream sandwich I had for dessert after my breakfast of fish sticks this morning. I’m on the Aquaman Dream Diet, Bitch!

I am just licking the last of the ice cream sandwich off of my fingers when my email dings.

I have mail.

It is this month’s Rogers Bill.

Hmmm …this can’t be right.

This is almost 150 dollars more than last month’s bill …an insult, really, having worked at whittling my monthly bill down to a manageable amount, and being pleased that I finally achieved that goal in October of last year …this must be a mistake. …and I have to fix it or I am not going to be able to concentrate on my column. It’s hard enough as it is, what with COVID being ignored by the same (lack of) Brain Trust that believes Hillary and Barack have a secret Chemtrail manufacturing plant in the tunnels under the brothel in Disney World, and following their latest display of The Mindless leading the mindless in DC that is so heinous even Jimmy Fallon’s fake laugh has been silenced. Interesting. I have never seen Fallon do “Concern” and “Sadness” before. Now if someone could please just slip a couple of Prozac into Trevor Noah’s Mountain Dew ….

Jesus. Sorry. Now, where was I ….

My Rogers bill.

Right. So …I slip on the headphones, plug ’em into the phone, and punch ‘611’ into the dial screen and wait. It’s 11:18 am.

I follow the prompts, pressing the correct numbers, until I reach ‘0’ and am informed I will be connected to a Customer Service Representative to discuss my problem. I am also informed that there is quite a long wait due to high volume, and am reminded of this and suggestions to try online repeatedly, every few minutes or so. I’m figuring maybe 10 minutes or so …Rogers waits are rarely much longer than that.

While I’m waiting, I wonder who would answer the phone if I punched ‘666’. I shudder.

“Hello. The White House. One moment please.”

=0=

12:20 pm

The phone and I make a trip to the bathroom around noon, but other than that, I am being hypnotized by the 2 songs that keep repeating over and over and over between reminders that there is a long wait due to high volume, try reaching us online, we appreciate your call, and thanks for holding, we feel terrible about this, messages.

I do not know who picks the ‘hold’ music for Rogers, but I believe one of them is a Funeral Director with a working knowledge of classical music’s most dour and sloth-like dirges used to coerce malcontents into committing suicide before their Customer Service Representative tears themselves away from the coffee room vending machines, thereby reducing the high volume of calls by one.

Though I have slogged through that playlist a few times, this morning I got one that is even worse. I get this one almost every time I call, the programmer thinking that the hold music should be suitable for a little girl’s Sweet Sixteen party. And I guess because of the short attention span of children, only bothered to program  two tracks.Tthe two ‘pop’ tracks that bounce back and forth without either ever playing all the way through, can also make suicide a viable alternative to making Rogers glad you called and are looking forward to talking to you.

So horrible, so insidious, so malevolently evil in their lack of worthiness, creativity, and/or redeeming qualities.

=0=

1:30 pm

I am starting to drift off.

I have taken to scrolling through my Newsfeed to pass the time.

Nothing but bad news, reactions to the bad news that are embarrassingly off-point and just as addlebrained as some of the opinions of what, exactly, the bad news is, and sprinkled throughout with words of encouragement, spirituality, anger, utter nonsense from the Right, utter nonsense from the Left, cute babies/animals, idiots doing stupid things, and videos of classic rock songs that need to be euthanized.

The two Rogers hold songs are starting to work like aural water boarding and I am wishing I had some intel to spill or whatever would get them to stop, when I decide I need to know my enemy. I enable Shazam.

If you don’t know what Shazam is or don’t have it, download it onto your phone. It’s free. It can recognize music and tell you the name of the song, artist, label, and more. You just click on it and let it listen to what you are listening to.

So I Shazam the crappy pop songs.

One, I have never heard of. Not the song, not the artist, and not the “ft.”.

The second, however, is a shock.

…and then I fell asleep.

=0=

2:01 pm

I am woken up by the friendly concerned voice of my Rogers Customer Service Representative and manage to yell “I’m here” before he hangs up.

Rogers has never not solved my problems when I call them.

Despite what you hear, they are great and I swear by them.

I am off the phone by 2:15.

Unfortunately, my energy is gone, my motivation is gone, and I have many other things to do before it gets dark.

You’ll get the column I had planned for today next week. It’s 10:06 pm, and I have to figure out what to make for dinner, make it, and then eat and take my meds 12 hours after I took them this morning. This is what I must do.

Every day.

 

Oh …the two songs. They’ll sound tinny, crackly and ickier when you’re on hold.

Here’s the one I never heard of.

Andrew Austin ft. Willa

…and from 2017. This guy should be ashamed of himself. I hope Wally got credit for the hook lines in this.

In a perfect world, we never would have heard of this guy …just his original haircut. With the exception of the hook lines and lyrical idea, there is no song here …at least I can’t find one.

Oh well …party on, Mr. Missing an E.

Had to create and load the pictures. 11:30pm.

Time for my meds. Goodnight.

=0=

Any Questions or comments, please write them in the Reply Section below.

Your Comments Are Welcome

Segarini’s regular columns are loaded with fibre, protein, all the B vitamins, a shot of Bourbon, 4 Lays potato chips, a deviled egg, and another deviled egg

dbawis-button7giphyBob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.

One Response to “Segarini – Day in the Life”

  1. Mark Vukovich Says:

    LOL…I feel your pain my brother…thanks for laughs

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