Segarini’s Smörgåsbord of Wonder and Delight

A little bit of this, a little bit of that, a soupçon of spice, a dram of drama, and a pinch of buttocks, makes a fine, short read for a day of leisure, reflection, and hiding under the bed from all the shit going on in the world.

You will need a flashlight.

Where were you in ’48?

Bob and Bobo

I was 2 going on 3, sitting on Grandpa Bobo’s lap while he cleaned his gun. He liked to engage in ‘horse play’ when I followed him around when he repaired stuff my Grandma Kay broke to keep him busy and out of her hair when he was home. His favourite game was to latch on to one of my earlobes with a pair of pliers until I yelped when I tried to pull away. He would laugh and laugh.

High Bobby

Hepped up on Children’s Goofballs or Kiddie Krack, I forget which

Where were you in 1950?

My Mom, distracted by a fur muff and fox wrap sale, forgot me in the yard one day when she went shopping and then straight to her vacation in Modesto. I spent 3 weeks in that yard, foraging for nuts and berries with the squirrels, and fighting off stray dogs and angry bees. She felt so bad when she returned, she bought me a picture of a pony and a roll of Necco wafers.

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Thanks to a childhood obsession with Hopalong Cassidy, I spent a week in hospital after being thrown off the dog, who had no interest in being a horse. Stupid dog….although he may have involuntarily bolted when I fired Grandpa Bobo’s gun and shattered my Mother’s Blue Boy figurine after mistaking it for feared Israeli Indian scout, Firewater Bisonstein.

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My Mother, like most mothers, considered her child …me …a work of art. So when I turned 9 I was forced to pose for a portrait in charcoal on canvas. For 3 days I sat motionless on a dining room chair in the living room while a guy who smelled of cigarettes and kerosene created my likeness. My Mother was thrilled but then hung the picture over my Dad’s bedroom desk. Realizing he never saw it because all he ever did at that desk was fall asleep, she moved it over the mantle in the living room, where he slept through it for another 20 years.

Where were you in the ’60s?

Buddy Holly Bobby

By the time I was 15, I was sooo tired of hearing people tell me how much I looked like Buddy Holly, that I assumed the name of Buddy’s non-existent brother, Bobby Holly. The name change immediately opened music business doors.

I was hired to write songs for 2 up-and-coming groups, and set my sights on writing some number 1 hits. Tragically, all the songs failed to chart on any chart anywhere. One single was apparently so bad, instead of sending play copies to radio stations and product to the record stores, the label just took the records from the record pressing plant, and threw them directly into the dumpster behind the Diner next door. The groups, The Chaisy Dains and The Steveland Cleamers, sunk into obscurity quicker than the Titanic.

I was perceived as the iceberg responsible.

However …there was a Silver lining …actually more of a Shiny Green lining.

I may not have lived up to the Holly legend, but I did get asked to join this band. This is the bass player, Dave, who was 18, me, and drummer Ronnie, around the same age as Dave. As you can see here, I am bringing uncomfortable and awkward to the mix with my fabulous stage presence. Uncomfortable and awkward was refined into an art by ridiculously Caucasian Mike Love, who proved that most people don’t know the difference between dancing and Mick Jagger. (Jagger’s a Prancer…Mike Love is …unexplainable). James Brown, Tina Turner, and Bruno Mars can DANCE.

LITTLE KNOWN FACT

Bruno is not related to either the candy bar or planet who share his name. He is also a better dancer than either one of them.

Skipping to the ’90s and Beyond

The last picture taken of me before I lost weight, had my teeth removed, and replaced my obviously missing neck.

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As I got older, it became more and more difficult to find work, so I developed an idea for a TV series starring me as Square Bob Sponge Pants. Due to budget cuts, the name was changed and it became an animated cartoon show.

I hate that career destroying sponge.

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This lovely young lady mistook me for a Martini Fountain at a Music Industry function decades ago.

There is a lot of truth to those Blonde jokes …I don’t look very much like a Martini Fountain at all

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Me teaching young musicians the proper way to carry your guitar when you’re too impaired to remember where you left the case …or if you have a case …or if it’s your guitar.

You would be amazed at how often that happens.

AND FINALLY

Mayor John Tory and I waiting for the exclusive Bunny Room to open at Darrell’s High Class Peeler Emporium and Trailer Park up there in toney Prince Edward county. Ever since the Loonie and Twonie came into existence, a fiver is the only way to get near the dancer’s G’ strings these days.

It is becoming a political hot potato.

Be well. Stay safe. Think positive thoughts.

Go RaptorJayLeafs!

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Segarini’s regular columns never go out without a mask, never get within 6 feet of anyone, and don’t mess around with Jim

dbawis-button7
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Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.

2 Responses to “Segarini’s Smörgåsbord of Wonder and Delight”

  1. Mark John Vukovich Says:

    CLASSIC…and HILARIOUS…! Bobo…quite a dude…reminded me of my “Papa” Frank…thanks for that

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