Segarini Presents – Celebrity Believe It or Don’t!

I have said it before, and I will say it again. The Mainstream Audience LOVES their public figures to be weird, quirky, odd, strange, possessed, mentally unstable, drug addled, alcoholic, Re-Hab invulnerable, mouthy, shallow, deep, oblivious, and/or strangely coiffed or have an artistic deformity. Why? Because everybody knows if you have green hair, dress like a Circus act, own a dolphin, go shopping driving a zamboni, or have a prehensile tail, you are a better singer, actor, or politician than all the others. If you can grow a third arm in the middle of your forehead …you will be destined to be the greatest whatever-you-are until the end of time.

Or until someone comes along whose genitals can recite the Declaration of Independence.

Not everything you read on Social Media is true!

I know …this is a bitter pill for most to swallow. Golly, what are we supposed to believe? There is sooo much information available, it is impossible to tell what is true and what isn’t. Difficult to separate fact from opinion, mind boggling to have to decide if Betty and Veronica both love Archie, or just pretending to in order to cover up their steamy sexual relationship with one another and the odd drunken text to Jughead asking him to join them at the Riverdale Motel and bring a pizza and a bottle of Mazola oil.

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Celebrity Fact or Fiction

Elvis Presley insisted any woman he dated wear plain white cotton panties.

He once rented the city of Macon, Georgia, so he and his Memphis Mafia could drive go-carts on every street as fast as they wanted from 7:00 pm until the sun came up. Part of the deal also allowed them to shoot out the televisions on display in appliance store windows if the news was playing.

Elvis’s favourite meal was a deep fried banana, peanut butter, bacon, Nutella, and horseradish sandwich, wrapped in an anchovy and turnip pizza, stuffed in a chicken. This meal is what contributed to his early death at 43 when he weighed 412 pounds.

Elvis continually passed on sex with Ann Margaret because he believed she was more talented than he was. She also refused to wear plain white cotton panties and continued to wear adult underthings for the duration of their Publicity Department arranged ‘relationship’.

When he met The Beatles, he had his entourage let all the air out of their limousine’s tires, and punched Lennon in the mouth. Then he gave John 50 dollars, his Gold Record for “Teddy Bear”, and a coupon for a free haircut and jar of Butch Wax Pomade from Elvis’s barber to keep Lennon quiet about the incident.

The bribe to Priscilla’s father to be able to have the 14 year old school girl move in with him consisted of 57 American dollars, a photo op with Elvis, his Government Issue sidearm, 2 tickets to the Frankfort Chocolate cookie and Beer Museum. and an album of Hitler’s speeches.

Elvis breast fed until he was 23.

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Michael Jackson learned to dance by watching old Shirley Temple movies and sneaking into an Arthur Murray Dance Studio around the corner from the Jackson family domicile.

Jackson’s high, clear, voice was the result of a steady diet of canary and parakeet when times were tough when he was very young. His father, Joe, had a part time job at Gary, Indiana’s Fly Like a Beagle Pet Store and closed up alone on Tuesdays and Saturdays. He repaid them years later when he burned the store to the ground so they could receive a substantial insurance payout.

Not all the members of the Jackson family were talented, so only the ones with talent were ever mentioned or admitted to. In all, there were 14 Jackson children, mostly because Joe couldn’t afford to put a TV in the bedroom.

Aside from the Jackson 5, Michael, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, Jackie, and Randy, Janet and LaToya (rumor has it LaToya’s inclusion on the ‘talented’ list was either a typo or a clerical error),the other Jackson children are BenGay, Jefferson, Doobie, Colt45, Othello, and Chlamydia.

L to R – Doobie, Baby Sitter, Jefferson, Othello, (Back to camera) BenGay, Chlamydia, Boyfriend of Baby Sitter, boy in truck, Colt45

To maintain his youthful good looks and stay young for 100s of years, Michael’s research led him to sleeping every night for years in an old Piggly Wiggly display freezer, covered in pizza pops, pop tarts, popsicles, and tubes of Pillsbury Pop N Fresh cookie dough. He was given the nickname “The King of Pop” for the obvious reason.

A closeted serial shoplifter, Michael had hidden pockets sewn in the lining of his various military jackets, and developed the Moonwalk so he could leave a store looking like he was just arriving.

He also used this skill to gain free entry to Disneyland, where he also liked to shop.

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There are sooo many inside Celebrity facts and fictions to share with you, but during this unreal real pandemic, I have so many things to do, I must cut this short with a promise to continue at a later date. Probably not next week (I will be posting the column I was originally going to post today) but I promise there will be more of these informative/entertaining columns periodically throughout the year.

Now to feed the chickens, draw water from the well, chop some firewood, and check out back for zombies.

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Let me know who your favourite artists/actors, and politicians are, and I’ll dig up the facts and fictions and share them with you another time.

Remember – Famous people are just like you and I except they are famous, and usually 10 times more stressed and screwed up than we will ever be. Probably. I guess. Maybe.

After all, Social Media wouldn’t be as much fun without them to speculate, gossip, and talk about. We owe them our gratitude and support for making our lives easier to navigate thanks to their insight and hard work to make sure they never have to deal with being like us.

Even though they are.

Just like us.

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Segarini’s regular columns are good for poison oak, dander, the vapors, dizziness, and snake bite.

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Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.

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