Segarini – Guilty Pleasures for Crappy Times

This effort is going to be short (like most people’s attention spans), and sweet, (like a Lb. of sugar in your Starbuck’s Chocolate Caramel Over-Ripe Watermelon Half-Caff Sea Salt Honey Glazed  Cinnamon Bun Jelly Bean Sprinkles Vanilla Latte).

It’s about distracting yourself from whatever problems you are having that have become overwhelming and are making it impossible to focus on what needs to be done …and your sanity.

For example, my current list contains the following problems – Battles with the IRS, the CRA, Services Canada, news that is more like a bad Michael Bay movie script, an apartment that looks like a Frat House exploded during a Halloween Party, not seeing my daughter, grandkids, or GF for a verrry long time, and the lack of light bulbs, clean laundry, and enough money to buy or make food with meat in it.

It is the perfect time to become a Vegan Nudist who doesn’t drive, isn’t on Face Book and only has an old cathode-ray tube television that isn’t for watching, it’s just so the cat has somewhere to sleep besides on your face.

Getting drunk alone at home is nowhere near as much fun as making a fool of yourself in a bar with a bunch of people. Throwing back your 15th shot of tequila and droppinjg your pants on the kitchen floor while trying to pick up Alexa is a poor substitute for dropping your pants in the lobby bar at the Hyatt and trying to pick up the woman sitting next to you who is there celebrating her 3rd anniversary with her husband.

The only exercise available to people in my age bracket is the long walk down the hall to and from the bathroom 2 or 3 dozen times a day before your bladder makes a surprise deposit on your computer chair, couch, or  bed.

Talking out loud to yourself becomes normal.

Misinformation is everywhere, inane opinions are presented as facts, and network television and radio become things to avoid unless you want to be beaten over the head with news updates, amber alerts, and ads for a device that waterboards your nostrils in the name of must-have hygienic nonsense we suddenly need after having NEVER even hearing of the medical need until now.

You get the picture.

Over the past 2 years I have developed a need for distraction from EVERYTHING currently muddying the water. Not just the news and my own personal windmills, but the over played music, and entertainment that is hugely popular with the majority.

As it happens, mediocre can be a great thing …if it’s off the beaten path, unique, unusual, or …well …distracting instead of teeth-grinding awful.

Either make me laugh (either with or at), make me interested, or make my jaw drop open in amazement at what I am seeing, hearing, or eating, or anything else. It has become my Wordle, my treasure hunt, my quest for the Undeniable equivelent of The Ark of the Covenant …regardless of what anyone else thinks. I suggest you do the same. Your solutions will more than likely be different from mine, but as long as they break up the routine, the familiar, and the annoyingly ‘popular’, you will be rewarded with a shut-in’s equivalent of a Scavenger Hunt, which is a much better way to spend your time than contemplating a swan dive off the balcony, dying your hair puce, or getting a tattoo of Courtney Cox on your ass as soon as the Parlour’s re-open.

Here’s a random list of random …

GUILTY PLEASURES

A few litle ones to get us started …

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CANDY

Put down the Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers, Oh Henry’s, Coffee Crisps, Kit Kats, and Crispy Crunch candy bars and try these old-school greats that are hard to find but worth the trouble. For us old folks who creak when we move, these are time machines to a much better time. For all you youngsters out there, these will be a revelation.

Necco Wafers

Chalky, crunchy, and fun to eat, plus this BONUS distraction ….

Walnettos

Caramel and walnut. Too hip for the room …and delicious.

The Candy Guy is a distraction all by himself. He’s so HAPPY!

3 Musketeers

My favourite candy bar and VERY hard to find these days.

They don’t break into 3 parts anymore, and they are decidedly smaller, but they still taste exactly the same. Want one NOW.

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MUSIC

Back away from the classic rock, ignore the latest radio format fodder and find something that puts a smile on your face, or makes you wince, or …you know …distracts you.

Pre-Bruno Mars, catchy fun. google him afterward …interesting dude and family.

Was Not Was, why isn’t music this much fun anymore? Hmmm? Huh? Howcum?

Someone PLEASE bring these guys to Toronto.

They were regarded as a bit of a novelty act until Prince wrote a song for them and they went on to put out one great record after another. Most of my friends dismissed them as pretenders. They were the real deal and their records hold up better than most. …and they were this good live, Baby.

Jonah Nilsson and Steve Vai

Yeah, this kid is dynamite. Love him and his regular band, Dirty Loops, large. Saw them live and they brought tears to my eyes. Everything this guy does, with them, Cory, Richard Bona, it is always musicians who excel, and performances that inspire awe. The rhythm OMG! And yeah …Jonah and Dirty Loops manager Quincy Jones is seen briefly digging his protégé. Q knows a game changer when he hears one.

Time for you to look up some music from the past and present that takes YOU to another time and place.

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MOVIES

Here’s a few that engage me every time. I have mentioned this first one many times in the past.

Serial

Based on the novel The Serial: A Year in the Life of Marin County by Cyra McFadden, published in 1977, this wonderful take on the Marin County of the late ’70s is powered by an all-star cast headed by Martin Mull, Tuesday Weld, and Bill Macy, and still makes me laugh out loud every time I dust it off and watch it. Too many memorable lines and moments to mention, but do yourself a favour and track this down.

My Favourite Year and The Stuntman

It’s a Peter O Toole double feature. One captures an era and its characters perfectly, and the other weaves a puzzle of a plot and reveals itself to not be what you thought it was …more than once. Very different movies that will hold your attention easily if you like good storytelling

Both of these films are online on You Tube in case you don’t have access to them otherwise.

Piranha

This one is also online at YouTube. The trailer makes it look like a very dark and gory horror film. It isn’t. Well, it isn’t but it kind of is, but not really it …oh, hell, just watch it. It is waaay more fun than Jaws and Deep Blue Sea, two of my favourites, but this one …LOL.

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TELEVISION

There is sooo much great TV right now, I don’t know where to start. Just off the top of my head, there’s …

FICTION

The Boys – An adult, real world take on super heroes. Riveting. Brutal.

The White Lotus – A week at a luxury hotel in Hawaii following some of the guests experiences. Well written dramedy.

Acapulco – Another hotel-centric series as good yet totally different from The White Lotus

Upload – Wonderful parody/Satire of pop culture, technology and the near future.

The Perry Mason reboot – So verry, verrry good. Gritty, dramatic, fun.

The Orville – Seth MacFarlane’s homage to Star Trek.

The Flight Attendant – The Big Bang Theory’s Penny gets involved in a murder mystery.

Hollywood – The Big Band Theory’s Sheldon says “Get in here so I can suck your c*ck. Tale of the early days in the film industry.

Yellowstone – Modern Western with Kevin Costner.

1883 – Yellowstone prequel with Sam Elliott

All worthwhile series.

THESE, however, are REAL “Guilty Pleasures”

REALITY (FICTION-LITE)

Below Deck – Pretty young people constantly flustered, frustrated, and flummoxed by the onset of adulthood. Also features entitled, mostly asshat rich people.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Some wealthy delusional matrons with rich husbands and in need of therapy mixed with a couple of stunners who aren’t quite as fucked up or loaded with collagen. Most of these women’s lips and tits enter a room before they do. Similar to a herd of pampered cows.

Million Dollar Listings Los Angeles Real Estate giants, some like Altman, are great, others like Fredrik are Beverly Hills Housewives with testicles …little tiny testicles.

The Hallmark Murder Mysteries – Easy on the eyes MILFS who own flower shops, are librarians, have bakeries, and solve murders.

My Lottery Dream House – Very happy real estate guy who helps mainly clueless lottery winners buy homes based on their extremely bad taste.

Grand Designs – The original British series. Like watching a trained Shakespearean actor quiz people about why they’re building a house in a gigantic pothole in a laneway.

…and many, many, more.

If you haven’t noticed yet, this column is, itself, a distraction, and to gift you with even MORE distractions, I’m going to leave it up to you to Google these TV shows yourself, even MORE of a distraction. Otherwise, I will go on and on for hours, which is why my friends think of me as a distraction …or is it, an ‘annoyance’. Either way, I guess I can be both.

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So American Idol, Survivor, and the Masked Singer can be shoved aside if you like. …and as always, these are personal suggestions, shows I am very fond of that engage me and draw me in, giving me respite from all the crap and replacing it with much more enjoyable crap. Happy hunting. Be well and stay safe, think positive, and hopefully, this will help you find YOUR own distractions. We’ll get through all of the problems we’re dealing with and be ready for new ones. You KNOW there will be new ones.

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Segarini’s regular columns are available in either American or Canadian flavours where ever shoes are soled.

Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.