Over the years, a lot of dumb things have been said by a lot of smart, experienced, people.
“The greatest scientific minds have assured us that this ship is unsinkable, Lady Astor”.
“Guitar groups are on their way out, Brian”.
“No one is going to tune in to a television network to watch people cook”.
“Trump isn’t a career politician, he’s got fresh ideas and will lead America into the future”.
Shut up.
Continue readingIt was the best of times, it was the worst of …no …wait …that’s either the opening line to a classic story or how I would feel if I won the Lottery and then had to sit through a Billie Eilish concert.
Let me start over.
Continue reading
Normally we celebrate Love this month by giving our beloved dead flowers, going to dinner and then returning home for a more private celebration. Due to the sensible COVID restrictions, and more importantly the fact that my sweet Betty does not like flowers, I am choosing to use the medium of my column to offer her my Valentine wishes, my opportunity to publicly thank her for bringing so much happiness and love into my Life.
I’ve been finding it difficult to focus on my column this week. Last Friday we received news that a much loved friend and musician had passed away. Chris Reed didn’t even achieve the revered status of joining “The 50 Club”. We’ve all been blindsided….totally stunned and still trying to absorb the news. I had to read his brother’s official FB announcement three times before it sunk in who he was really writing about. I thought for sure I was mistaken….but no, and then I burst into tears.
I am a Proud Canarican …or at least I will be again once President Flubber and His Band of Lost Socks are incarcerated or incinerated (choose one), and Adults are back running our Pants.
To celebrate, I offer up this heavily researched, thoroughly accurate FAQ sheet listing the differences between Our Great Land, and Our Once Great Pants.
Most of the following was originally posted in 2015, when the world was a different place. There was cleaner air, prettier sunsets, better television reception, and more than enough Gummy Bears. All of that changed after the advent of the Man Bun and Robot Bingo Callers. No…wait…that was a dream I had after a night of fish tacos and Metaxa.
Never mind….
Unlike the Man Without a Country, I am a man with TWO countries. The Country of my birth, the United States of America, and the Country I choose to live in and love with all my heart, Canada.
If I didn’t know any better, I would say I am the victim of a Gypsy Curse.
Lately it seems that just walking down the hall has become an obstacle-laden course of Rube Goldberg slapstick and Orwellian conspiracy. Getting from Point A to Point B without slipping on a banana peel, having a piano fall on me, or tripping over my own two feet and landing in an Acme Wood Chipper has become totally impossible.
…and I’m not even chasing a road-runner.
I busted my ass on this column. Not complaining just …well …yeah, I’m not complaining …just trying to help ya’all get through this whole stupid mess. It ain’t much, but my skill set is limited, so take it or leave it. I love you all. Not like my Family or GF or Pink’s Hot Dogs, or a Harbour Sixty Bone-In Rib Steak, or Decent Bourbon, or my 3D TV, or a bunch of other shit, but it is genuine love. Thanks for being there. Seriously. I mean it. Don’t think for a moment that I don’t. Jesus! Quit doubting me! Fuck, Man I d …I gotta pee. Read this. Later. Whenever. Now. Sunday. I don’t care. gotta pee.
The first 600 words of this column first appeared on April 22nd, 2016
They bear repeating ….
Just because Mother Nature has sent us to our rooms to think about what we’ve done, doesn’t mean we have to sit around and eat everything in the house, shave the dog, dress the cat up, or duct tape the baby to the bathroom door. Not at all.
While we’re home rearranging our sock drawers and seeing if we can build a mountain made out of mashed potatoes and some of the dead houseplants on the dining room table like Richard Dreyfuss did in Close Encounters, we can also reflect on some of the good things we have done in our messy, ungrateful, lives.
Today I celebrate. Not Jesus starting a three day vaycay in a cave after a forced march carrying enough timber to build a parking lot FotoMat kiosk, but the one thing I had something to do with in my life, that I am most proud ….
My daughter’s birthday is today, and to mark the event, I am re-posting this column as I do every year, to share my love for her with you and the joy she brings to me and everyone who knows her. Lots of new pictures, some brand new words …and as always …Lots and Lots of Love.
Love you Ames …you will always be the light of my life. – Daddy
Ever since I can remember, I have been interested in military history. An adjunct of this interest is that I build plastic models. For a while, I built models of ships, military vehicles and aircraft. After a while, I decided to “neck down” to aircraft alone, in the interests of economy not only financial a), but timewise and storage space wise. As Thoreau wrote “Simplify, simplify, simplify”. I still build model aircraft, although I have been so down lately that I haven’t touched one in quite a while b).
I am not ashamed to say that the time since my Dear Lois passed has been the bleakest of my entire life. I never knew that misery such as I am experiencing now was even possible. But it is, sadly, as I am sure those of you who have lost their loved ones are more than tragically aware.
Bullseye Records of Canada
Segarini: Don't Believe a Word I Say 