Jaimie Vernon – K-TEL HELL: Team Ups We’d Like To See

As the final Don’t Believe A Word I Say blog for the year I thought we could end on a more humorous note. With the advent of celebrity musical team-ups to help sell more in this unpredictable business we now find ourselves in, I thought maybe we could do this for all lapsed and flagging music artists past and present. Here, for your bemusement, is a wish list for the musically twisted compiled by yours truly and partner in crime Terry Lusk. Enjoy! See you in the New Year.

TONY ORLANDO & GWAR – with the death of repulsive metal act Gwar’s driving force Cory Smoot  earlier this year, the band decides to mellow and hit the Vegas circuit offering their buckets of blood and gore to Orlando’s perennial polyester pant-suited stage show. Expect such classics as “Tie a Yellowed Rib Bone ‘Round an Enemy’s Skull” and “Knock Three Times (On My Chestplate Armour If You Want Me).”

MARTIN MULL OF KINTYRE – Paul McCartney trades in his Hoffner bass guitar for a rye TV sitcom as he plods through “Mary Hartman, Mary Had a Lamb” and “Fernwood, Goodnight Tonight”. After only three episodes he is cancelled for not being very funny and returns to writing pop music that isn’t very melodic.

SNOW WHITE & THE KILLER DWARFS – Disney’s virginal matron gets her cherry popped by the Killer Dwarfs’ “Dirty Weapons”.

SIMONON & GARFUNKEL – unable to resuscitate The Clash or his own band Havana 3 A.M., Simonon teams up with Art Garfunkel who hasn’t done anything memorable since, uh, well…listen for the new single “Like a Spanish Bomb Over Troubled Water.”

NEW KIDS OUT IN THE HALL – Comedian Scott Thompson  replaces the aging Donnie “Blaze” Wahlberg in the next incarnation of NKOTB and encourages the ‘boys’ to come out of the closet. With special guest appearance by crossing dressing Partridge Family member Danny Bonaduce.

VAN MORRISEY – In a bizarre cloning accident during the ongoing rivalry between the SMITHS vs. MORRISONS, the English/Irishman releases the mega-smash album “Tupelo Hairdresser” featuring the single “How Soon Is Them?”

JIMI GOES TO HOLLYWOOD – Holly Johnson (ex-Frankie Goes To Hollywood) returns from his solo career (he had a solo career?) to form the ultimate Hendrix tribute act with a healthy dose of FGTH’s legendary camp. Tunes include “Purple Gays”, “The Wind Cries Frankie”, and regrettably: “Hey Joe….Relax”.

LED HOT CHILI ZEPPERS – on the lookout for another new guitarist, Red Hot Chili Peppers recruit Jimmy Page who helps the band land another Top 10 hit: “Under The Bridge (Over The Hills And Far Away On Higher Ground)”.

XT CE CEE – Tired of staring at trains in Swindon, XTC’s Andy Partridge summons up the courage to hit the road one more time. However, to alleviate his chronic stage fright he enlists Ce Ce Peniston and Cee Lo Green to do the singing resulting in groove heavy re-readings of XTC’s songs such as: “Booty Workin’ Overytime”, “Peter Funkinghead” and “The Mayor of Fuck You”.

BEDOUIN SOUNDGARDEN – Soundgarden’s Chris Cornell seems to be a singer without portfolio. Having worn out his welcome singing for Pearl Jam (PEARLGARDEN) and with Pete Townshend (TEMPLE OF THE WHO), he connects with Canadian white reggae act Bedouin Soundclash for the album “Black Hole Sunsplash”.

BOBBY BORIS WILSON-PHILLIPS PICKETT – Former “Monster Mash” novelty singer Bobby “Boris” Pickett teams up with former guitar legend Wilson Pickett (no relation) and adds the Beach Girls as his latest ‘Cryptkickers’ to produce a solid retro-90s comeback with “You Won’t See Me Monster Mashing In The Midnight Hour”.

GLORIA GWEN ESTEFANI & THE MIAMI MONSTER VOODOO MACHINE – The Industrial Scene meets the LA Scene meets the just plain obscene.

MÖTLEY FRÜVOUS – Vince Neill continues his inability to hold a steady job with Mötley Crüe and so the LA Rockers bring in former Moxy Fruvous frontman Jian Ghomeshi for their latest tour. Fans, however, aren’t entirely enamoured with songs like “Dr. Seuss Feelsgood” and “Shout At The Green Eggs And Ham” from their collaborative album “Theatre King of (S)Pain”.

THE BEVERLY WILBURYS – Sitcom about a bunch of young/old musical has-beens who strike it rich digging up their next hit from their own back catalogue. Starring: Eric Clapton (Jed “Slowhand” Clampett),  David Hasselhoff (Jethro Clampett), Annie Lennox (Mr. Drysdale), Bryan Ferry (Ms. Hathaway), Tiffany (Ellie May “I Think We’re Alone Now” Clampett), and Bob Dylan as ‘Granny’.

JOHN MAYALL’S BALLBREAKERS – Imagine an all-female ensemble doing grunge-blues versions of songs about PMS, men as carcinogens, bad hair days and shopping.

EXOMEGAMETALLIDETHACUS – Exodus. Megadeth. Metallica. I can’t tell the difference. Can YOU tell the difference?

BILLY RAY CYGNUS X-1 – Tired of his own (f)art-rock pretensions, Neil Peart teams with country beau-hunk Billy Ray Cyrus to give birth to the ultimate musical bastard child since Rush’s rap-inflected ‘Roll the Bones’ album. Already in the can are “Closer to the Achy Breaky Heart”, “The Spirit of Rodeo” (‘Begin the day with an angry bull/a companion most obtrusive’), and “By-Tor and the Hound Dog”. Watch out for guest appearances by Billy Newton-Cyrus and Billy Ray Idol.

SEPULTURAVOX – Ultravox’s Midge Ure finally takes the stylistic plunge into metal by teaming with South American speed-metal monsters Sepultura. Two underground hits have emerged so far: “Rape the Wild Wind’ and “Dancing With Forks in My Eyes”.

PUTTING OUT ARCADE FIRE – David Bowie and Arcade Fire finally team up for a full album entitled ‘Buddha of the Suburbs’ featuring the hit “Absolute Hipsters”.

ANDERSON, BRUFORD, WAKEMAN & HOWE, LLP – old rockers don’t retire…they become lawyers.

BOB DYLAN & THE GRATEFUL DEAD – Wait. That one’s real!

Editor’s note: Thanks for a great year, everybody! Here’s a little Christmas Gift from all of us here at DBAWIS. Be well and be safe! We’ll see you next year. The 11 Worst Christmas Album Covers of All Time

A Reminder:
The First Annual Don’t Believe a Word I Say Reader’s Poll
To everyone who may be having a problem with copying and pasting the Poll from Monday’s column. Try this:1. Highlight the Poll 2. Right click on the Poll and choose ‘copy’. 3. Open a new word doc or email. 4. Right click and choose ‘Paste’, 5. Fill out the form and 6. Email either as a word.doc attachment, or as a straight email. The Poll is also available to copy and paste on my Facebook page Let me know if that works. If that doesn’t work, email me at segarini@rogers.com, and I’ll mail the Poll directly to you to fill out. That might be the easiest way. Sorry for the inconvenience. We really are interested in hearing what you have to say. Also, your answers can include any music, movies, TV, etc, from any year, not just 2011.
Thank you,

We now have an email where all of us here at Don’t Believe A Word I Say can be contacted dbawis@rogers.com. Please use it to ask questions, tell us what you would like to read about, links you would like to share, and, let’s hear what you have to say.

– Jaimie “Captain CanCon” Vernon has been president of the on again/off-again Bullseye Records of Canada since 1985. He wrote and published Great White Noise magazine in the ‘90s, has been a musician for 33 years, and is the author of The Canadian Pop Music Encyclopedia. He keeps a copy of Lightfoot’s “Sundown” under his pillow at night.

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