Darrell Vickers – Mick Fire For Hire: Chapter Eight (Episode 2 – Part 2)

Mick Fire is a flaming, insalubrious has-been rock photographer. When albums were king, he was the toast of the town. Then, he was just toast. With the coming of CD’s, his career sank quicker than a Pakistani ferryboat. His fairytale life consists of a long suffering daughter, a 23 year old girlfriend, an ex-wife, an agent who hates him, a room-temperature refrigerator and a dead ferret.  Then one day, as Mick is wallowing at the bottom of his self-made shit well, someone lowers him a bucket. A job! A job that could put him back on top. And that’s when his troubles begin.

          JONESY (OS)

I was in a hospital once.

Match fade Peter Gabriel’s face, looking out the window, with Jonesy’s face.

QUICK CUT TO:

INT. JONESY’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

The bored duo of Jonsey and Abernathy look across the street to the main entrance of Cedar Sinai.

ABERNATHY
Please don’t tell me the gory details about some disgusting ooze or bone-chilling growth you had to have removed.

JONESY
I thought you broads were supposed to be the ones with feelings and empathy and shit. Jesus Christ!

ABERNATHY

Wow! Who set fire to the pinecone in your panties this morning?

JONESY

(sulks)
I trod on a bottle cap at The Bowl and I think my foot might be infected.

ABERNATHY

(rolling her eyes)

I’d just like stop dwelling on the negative for five fucking seconds.

(forcing a smile)

Can we please talk about something positive? Something other than how hungry we are or our leg cramps or the spiraling price of Turtle Wax.

He looks at her doubtfully. She points at her smile.

ABERNATHY (CONT)

Go ahead and give it a try. What could it hurt?

JONESY

Okay.

(thinks)

So, you really smell nice this morning. Are you using a new shampoo?

She immediately stiffens.

ABERNATHY
(snapping at him)

I don’t want to talk about it!

INT. MICK’S HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

Fanny, Max and Skychild gaze at the empty bed in shock.

ALL
Is he dead already?

A nurse walks in.

NURSE
Mr. Fire has been moved up to the top floor.

FANNY

What is that – some sort of super ICU kind of thing where people have to breathe through tubes sticking out their neck?

NURSE

We lowly, ordinary nurses aren’t allowed up there. All I can tell you is Kanye West spent a week in one of those suites having alien insects from Pluto removed from his anus.

SKYCHILD
I think I’ve heard of those.

NURSE

It’s 4 grand a night. You can get any operation you want and the painkillers are out of this fucking world.

INT. MICK’S NEW HOSPITAL SUITE – DAY

The place looks like a chic condo in West Hollywood. Mick is lying in a feathery bed with a big IV going into his arm. He has a smile on his face that would swallow a donkey.

MICK

(out of his fucking head)

Ich thinkle poop!

INT. BAD GUYS CAR – DAY

Danny and Manny are parked outside a big mansion in the hills above Brentwood.

MANNY
We’re going to have to tell him.

DANNY

I don’t think that’s such a good idea.

MANNY
Honesty is the best policy.

DANNY

What are you, fucking Aesop? We’re criminals, for Christ sake. This is bad.

Danny picks up and paper bag and sticks his hand into it.

DANNY (CONT)
Well, if he’s gonna kill us, I’m gonna finish off my Milk Gums before I go in there.

Danny begins to chew on a couple of the little white delicacies.

MANNY

That’s your last dying wish? Candy?

DANNY
These cost me 30 bucks, plus the shipping – all the way from England. No way I’m gonna waste that kind of money.

MANNY

(sighing)

I wouldn’t have minded one last Faygo Pop.

DANNY

Too late now. Looks like you’re gonna have to die thirsty.

MANNY
Maybe we could see if Bruno’s got anything good to drink in his fridge before we tell him the bad news. It’d be nice to have just a couple of swigs before getting whacked.

DANNY
That is a good thought.

(referring to his candy)
These are a little dry.

MANNY

(getting his dander up)

But it wasn’t our fault. Bruno told us to play soccer with that guy’s skull.

DANNY

Remember Jerry? He did exactly what Bruno told him. And Bruno cut off his left leg and kicked him down the stairs with it.

MANNY

So, how come you had to say “This is from your friend Bruno” anyway?

DANNY

Cause, that’s what you do, isn’t it? It’s tradition. You say, “Here’s a little present from “blank” right before you pop a guy.

MANNY

But he’s not popped.

DANNY

That’s because you didn’t kick him hard enough.

MANNY

Don’t you blame this shit on me! You could have killed him at any time but nooo, you wanted to play Tony Fucking Soprano.

DANNY

Maybe his head was ringing from the beating and he didn’t hear it right. Maybe he thought I said something like (thinking) Brunei.

MANNY

(not impressed)
Brunei? Why would an oil rich nation on the island of fucking Borneo want some old wet-fart in Hollywood dead?

DANNY

(pissed)
I’ve had just about enough of your negativity. I want a new partner!

MANNY

New partner? We’re about to find out where they buried Jerry’s leg.

DANNY

(very agitated)
Fine. I hope he kills us. Just to shut you up. Now, I’m gonna sit here and finish my fucking milk gums and I don’t want to hear another word!

Danny takes a deep breath attempts to become exceptionally calm. He reaches into his bag. There’s a sudden knock at the window. Danny and Manny scream like Veronica Cartwright in Alien. Milk gums fly everywhere. We see Bruno’s smiling face pressed up against the glass. He’s holding up the paper with Mick in it.

BRUNO

(yelling through the window)
You boys did good. What the fuck are you sitting in this car for? Come on inside and tell me all about it. You can watch me drink some orange juice.

Bruno trots off to the house. Danny and Manny look at each other.

INT. JONESY’S CAR – DAY

Still outside the hospital. Abernathy enters and sits down in the passenger seat.

ABERNATHY

They’ve moved him up to the top floor.

JONESY

Isn’t that where Kanye West had those alien insects pulled out of his ass?

ABERNATHY

What the fuck have you been reading?

JONSEY

They say he now buys all his underwear from a secret military lab in Nevada.

ABERNATHY

Can we stay focused here? I mean, how can a broken down photographer afford a 4 grand-a-night hospital room?

JONESY

All I’m saying is; if I had a choice between Kanye West and Kim Kardashian…I know whose ass I’d wanna crawl up.

CAROL (OS)

I’ve got a surprise for you.

INT. CAFFIENE FROM THE BEAN – CONTINUOUS

Freda and her best bud chat over mocha frappuccinos. Carol is bursting with excitement.

FREDA

You got us the tickets to see Dr. Phil!

CAROL

Even better.

FREDA

What the heck could be better than Dr. Phil?

(brightens)

Judge Judy?

CAROL

Just rest your peepers on this.

Carol hands the L.A. Times to Freda and shows her the picture of Mick. Freda’s reaction is not what she expected.

FREDA

Shit.

CAROL

What shit?

FREDA

Shit shit. He was one the nicest, kindest man I ever met.

CAROL

What are the fuck are you talking about? He’s a bus-riding snatch-grabber.

FREDA

No. That was all a mistake of understanding. He gave me money to buy Bobby’s medicine and he didn’t even want to fuck me or nothin’. This is so horrible. That poor sweet man.

Freda begins to weep into her mocha frapucchino.

CAROL

Well, that’s the last time I’ll have someone beaten unconscious for you.

=DV=

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Darrell Vickers started out as one half of Toronto area band, Nobby Clegg.  CFNY fans may remember the cheery song “Me Dad” which still gets airplay.  From there, he valiantly ventured to L.A. and eventually became head writer for The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.  Since then, he’s created numerous sitcoms and animation shows in Canada and the U.S.  He still writes music and has an internet band called Death of the Author Brigade (members in Croatia, Canada and the U.S.)   Mr. Vickers also had a private music mailing-list where he features new and pre-loved music.  Anyone who would like to be added to his daily mailing list, just write him at Radiovickers1@gmail.com