Darrell Vickers – Mick Fire For Hire: Chapter Four

Mick Fire is a flaming, insalubrious has-been rock photographer. When albums were king, he was the toast of the town. Then, he was just toast. With the coming of CD’s, his career sank quicker than a Pakistani ferryboat. His fairytale life consists of a long suffering daughter, a 23 year old girlfriend, an ex-wife, an agent who hates him, a room-temperature refrigerator and a dead ferret.  Then one day, as Mick is wallowing at the bottom of his self-made shit well, someone lowers him a bucket. A job! A job that could put him back on top. And that’s when his troubles begin.

ALBUM: F.B.I. – Self Titled

          HYDE (OS)

So, what have we got?

INT. FBI LADIES ROOM – DAY

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR HYDE (45) is no nonsense and all business. Well, almost all business. She’s standing in a shower stall in her underwear, shaving her legs. She’s talking to ABERNATHY LOVE (29), senior special agent.

ABERNATHY

A couple of Bruno’s boys ran into Lenny and Benny from the Veenstra mob.

HYDE

Should I trim or shave the vagina?

ABERNATHY
I guess it depends on how short your dress is.

HYDE
It’s my anniversary tonight, so I‘ll be taking one for the team, after dinner.

ABERNATHY

I usually went the whole hog, when I was married. Anniversaries – if they actually remember them? – it should be rewarded.

HYDE
Oh well.

(she removes her panties)

Look at this thing.

Hyde indicates her holy portal. Abernathy is not really that anxious to grab an eyeful.

HYDE (CONT)

It’s only been a month and it looks like one of those guys from ZZ Top. Sigh.

(back to business)

So, where was this meeting?

ABERNATHY
At Archie Bellam’s office, down on Figueroa.

HYDE
The pornographer?

ABERNATHY

Archie specializes in art pics. Anything from tits to Bowlin’ in the Colon.

HYDE
What the fuck?

ABERNATHY
A colorful sobriquet for anal sex.

HYDE

(considering)
You think I should give Harry anal?

ABERNATHY

I generally restricted that type of activity to birthdays and Christmas. Of course, I am divorced.

HYDE

I think I’ll give it a pass. I’m right out of Neosporin, anyway.

ABERNATHY
Unless he buys you something like a car or new dining room set.

HYDE

If last year is any indication, he’ll be lucky to get an unlubricated handjob.

ABERNATHY

Well, whichever hole he ends up in, I’m sure he’ll be thrilled with it. Meanwhile, I’ll be on surveillance in Jonesy’s Hyundai with a Venti Latte between my legs.

HYDE
Well, at least you don’t have to shave to please a Venti Latte.

INT. SONDRA CRATER’S OFFICE – DAY

Danny and Manny stand before Sondra.

DANNY
We’re looking to hire a photographer.

SONDRA
Well, you’ve come to the right place, sweetheart. What did you have in mind?

Manny holds out his phone, displaying Mick’s pic.

MANNY
We’re looking to hire this guy.

SONDRA
(astonished)

You want to hire this guy?

DANNY
We hear great things about him.

SONDRA

(sotto)

What kind of alternate universe did I wake up in, today?

MANNY
Is he one of your clients?

SONDRA
Well, yeah. Sort of. What kind of a job did you want him for?

DANNY

(thinks)
Ah, a wedding.

SONDRA
Then you don’t want Mick. He’s an album cover guy.

MANNY
A wedding album.

DANNY

The couple want to create a magical musical memory of their blessed day and hand it out to friends and family, alike.

MANNY

(nodding)
Vinyl is back in a big way.

INT. THUNDER SOUND STUDIO – DAY

It’s dark. As the last note of the Civilians’ new albums fades, the lights come up. The group (all looking 20 years younger than Mick) and Vinny sit in chairs in front of the speakers. A large armed man guards the door. Mick looks confused.

VINNY
So, what did you think, Mick?

MICK
It’s good. (beat) It’s fucking good.

NOBBY
I told ya. And we’ve got some great b-sides and bonus tracks we didn’t even play.

MICK
No. This is “The Wall” good. “My Aim is True” good.

NOBBY

(half chuckling)
We’re not paying you that much money for the cover, Mick.

MICK
I’m not kidding, man. You guys knocked it out of the park. They’re going to be playing this fucker, generations from now.

VINNY
So – you have ideas for the cover, Mick?

MICK
I’m not going to lie to you, Vinny.

VINNY
A very good idea.

MICK

I had some rough concepts on “slow bake” in my brain, but this album deserves better. I’m going to have to go home and give this some serious thought.

VINNY
I can see we picked the right guy, here. I’m very happy.

(pulls out some money)

He’s 200 dollars. Buy your wife some candy.

ALBUM: Grand Funk Railroad – Born To Die

          DEATH CLERK (OS)

First off, let me express my deepest sympathy for your loss, Miss?

INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY

It looks how you’d expect. A store full of coffins. A tall, weedy individual in a black suit stands before Fanny and Skychild.

SKYCHILD
Skychild. My friends call me Sky.

He turns to Fanny.

DEATH CLERK
Are you a relative?

FANNY
No, but she is fucking both of my parents.

DEATH CLERK

(wan faux laughter)
Ah hah.

SKYCHILD
We’re looking for a rather small coffin.

DEATH CLERK
So, so tragic. Are we talking a young child?

SKYCHILD
Probably baby sized.

DEATH CLERK
My heart is ablaze with grief.

FANNY

We’re pretty torn up about it, also. What have you got that’s really cheap?

DEATH CLERK

Surely price would be the last thing that…

SKYCHILD
Normally, yes. But I already blew 25 bucks to buy the thing. We just don’t have much money left over to bury it.

DEATH CLERK
You bought a dead baby?

FANNY
(shrugs)
Some people collect stamps.

INT. THUNDER SOUND STUDIO – DAY

Mick looms over the snack table. He’s putting some of the more appetizing offerings into his pockets. Vinny walks up.

VINNY

I have an idea for the shoot. I want to bring a bunch of girls in and do some nude pics. Lots of kissing and touching.

MICK

That’s really going to limit where you can sell their album.

VINNY

You misunderstand me. We don’t really use the pictures. We just bring them in. Strip them down. Get them all hot and bothered with each other and then I step in to harvest the fruit of tender loins.

Mick is not unfamiliar with this type of photo-shoot.

MICK

(forcing a smile)

Excellent plan.

VINNY
I knew you’d understand. We are both men who like women. Not like some of those photographers.

(pulls out his wad)

Here’s 200 dollars. Buy your wife some candy.

INT. FIRE KITCHEN – NIGHT 

The girls are staring down a pile of breaded cod. The diminutive coffin is leaning up against the wall, next to the sink.

SKYCHILD

You know how much I love you. But, I’d suck a hobo’s unwashed cock to not to eat another fish stick, tonight.

Banging and clanging is followed by Mick, arms full of bags, caroming down the hallway.

FANNY

You’re home early. Is there a barmaid’s strike?

MICK

I took an Uber! And look. I have Chipotle. I have wine! I have a selection of Belgium chocolates.

FANNY

Are you fucking crazy? This is your entire unemployment check.

MICK
It is still uncashed, my suspicious sweet. This is candy money!

He swings one of the bags victoriously over his head. Food stuffs and canned beverages rain down.

FANNY
Sounds more like nose candy money.

MICK
I’ll have you know, I haven’t had so much as a sniff since lunchtime.

SKYCHILD
Let’s have a party! Who wants to drink champagne out of my quim?

FANNY

(shudders)
Jesus, Sky!

MICK
That shall have to wait.

(looking heavenwards)

My dears, I have heard such sounds. Soaring voices. Crystalline guitars. Thunderous drums. And that final epic-tastic note. It veritably set my nuts a tingle.

FANNY

Jesus, Dad!

MICK

(returning to the more mundane)

It’s strictly beer tonight. Maybe even lite beer.

(he shudders at the thought)

I must rise up and match the beauty of those timeless songs with the majesty of my mind’s eye.

He grabs Sky and gives her a huge kiss.

MICK (CONT)

I’m going on the wagon tomorrow, so we can have sex on Thursday!

SKYCHILD
It’s already in my calendar, you cute little fuck beast, you!

(she looks down)
You hear that Miss Puss Puss – you’re going to get fed soon.

FANNY
Please, don’t call your vagina Miss Puss Puss.

MICK
This album is going to be huge and I’m going to create a visual masterpiece worthy of it. Mick Fire is back!

ALBUM: Crime Pays – Self Titled

          MANNY (OS)
So, what do you want to do?

INT. BAD GUYS CAR – CONTINUOUS

Danny and Manny sit in a car, observing the Fire apartment building and eating Chipotle. They also have very large beverages.

DANNY

Nothin’. Apartments are a nightmare. The walls are thin. You can’t tell if anyone else is in the place. The last time I did an operation in an apartment building, I was killing people left and right. A fucking disaster.

MANNY
So, we wait?

DANNY
We relax. We finish our Chipotle, listen to some Scaggs on XM and wait for our moment.

(holding up a large baggie)

Do you want to take the first shit, or should I?

INT. JONESY’S HYUNDAI – NIGHT

JONESY is 49 and rotund. Really rotund. Whatever physical fitness requirements an FBI agent must meet, Jonesy has figured out a way around them. He and Abernathy are both eating from Baja Fresh bags and watching the bad guys’ car. Jonesy has a bone to pick.

JONESY

I like Baja Fresh, I just had a hankering for Chipotle. That’s all I’m saying.

ABERNATHY
Danny Beirness was in there. I couldn’t just walk in and stand right next to him at the counter.

JONESY
No. No. I get it. It’s just that Burrito Bowl of theirs is a mouthful of heaven.

ABERNATHY
It’s probably just as well. No offense, but this car is just too small for a guy your size to take a shit in.

JONESY

I thought you liked my car.

ABERNATHY

I do. It’s just a tad snug for some of the less pleasant necessities of life.

JONESY

I had it detailed and the seats all vacuumed out. Just so it’d be nice for you.

(indicating a small bowl on the dashboard)

The potpourris set me back almost nine bucks.

ABERNATHY

I’m not saying it’s not a nice car. It is.

There is an extended silence, while Jonesy sulks.

ABERNATHY

I love your car. Okay!

She pulls down her pants.

ABERNATHY (CONT)
Hand me that jumbo cup. And, if you promise to stop pouting, I’ll let you watch me pee.

Jonesy’s face brightens considerably as he passes her the cup. We hear the sound of running water.

INT. FIRE KITCHEN – NIGHT

Mick looks over at the counter between noisy chomps of Chipotle.

MICK

Who’s the coffin for?

FANNY

Your prostate

Mick eyes the coffin and shakes his head.

MICK

Way too small.

ALBUM COVER: Mitzi Gaynor – Happy Anniversary

HARRY (OS)
Okay. You can open em!

EXT. MIDDLE CLASS HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Assistant Director Hyde stands on her front lawn with her hands over her eyes. She opens them and is stunned. The camera swings round to reveal Harry standing next to a Lexus 350. He’s as pleased as punch.

HARRY (CONT)

So, wha’d’ya think?

HYDE

(deadpan)

I need to stop off at the drug store on the way to dinner.

=DV=

Please scroll down to leave Your Comments, Kudos, and Complaints

DBAWIS_ButtonDarrell Vickers started out as one half of Toronto area band, Nobby Clegg.  CFNY fans may remember the cheery song “Me Dad” which still gets airplay.  From there, he valiantly ventured to L.A. and eventually became head writer for The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.  Since then, he’s created numerous sitcoms and animation shows in Canada and the U.S.  He still writes music and has an internet band called Death of the Author Brigade (members in Croatia, Canada and the U.S.)   Mr. Vickers also had a private music mailing-list where he features new and pre-loved music.  Anyone who would like to be added to his daily mailing list, just write him at Radiovickers1@gmail.com

2 Responses to “Darrell Vickers – Mick Fire For Hire: Chapter Four”

  1. Damon Hines Says:

    Pithy AND fun! My street.

  2. Damon Hines Says:

    Pithy AND fun! My street.Ta VM indeed. 👍😘🎶😂💞😎

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