Peter Tells Some Kitty Tales

What with the heat and the sadly predictable “idiocracies” both south of the border and gloomily, now here in my home province of Ontario, I decided to write today about a subject slightly more pleasant.

Those of you who have met me in person may be horrified to learn that this tall, lanky, handsome, clever, well spoken, witty, kind individual batted well below “The Mendoza Line”a) on the playing field of romance for much of my life. On the other hand, you might not. If you aren’t horrified to read this, please don’t bother to tell me, I already can feel bad enough without any external assistance 😉!

Peter and Lois Griffin

Peter and Lois – Not Griffin

After many trials and much error, I was able to find that “special someone” pour moi, and me alone, my dear Lois. She lives on the edge of downtown Toronto, whilst I live in the west end, at “Chez Montreuil” with my Cat Reg. I can get to her place in under an hour on the subway, which includes a 10 minute walk through the heart of Yorkville at the conclusion of the exercise.

In the fullness of time she was able to get a pet of her own, so “CoCo The Fashionable” (to give her her full name), came into her life and her apartment. CoCo is a beautiful Himalayan, and we think that she was used as a breeder, as it took quite some time for her to become affectionate with Lois and get into the whole “pet” routine.  CoCo has, however, now made the apartment her own, and has claimed multiple sleeping spots. This behaviour harkens back to her prehistoric ancestors, who slept in different spots each night to help protect them from predators. She has a number of favourite places where she likes to perch, including the top of a chest of drawers in the living room, which we refer to as “The Eagle’s Nest”. (Sample telephone conversation “Where’s the duchess ?” “She’s on ‘The Eagle’s Nest’.”)

She loves to go out on the balcony with us, and in fact, if we go out there without her, she will come to the screen door and want out. To deal with the recent heat, CoCo has sometimes sat right in front of the cool air stream from Lois’ air conditioner. There is a “loop” of electrical cord on the floor, which she sometimes sits in, treating it as a feline “magic circle”. She also likes to sit on the toilet seat! (Here’s something interesting, although your definition of “interesting” may not coincide with mine 😉. At “Chez Montreuil”, I leave the toilet seat up in the interests of expediency and program delivery. I think that Reg has gone into my bathroom maybe 5 times when I’ve been home, so he goes in about once a year, and he always stays on the floor. At Lois’, the lid is kept closed, as CoCo likes to sit on it.) b) It’s actually quite funny hearing Lois when she is trying to access the toilet for its primary function. She’ll say “What are you doing? Get down.” She will repeat this several times. Then I’ll hear CoCo let out one indignant “mew” of protest, and I realize that Lois has just had to lift her off the toilet lid!

She likes to get up in the window and watch the people and vehicles in the parking lot next door. You have to wonder what is going through that little kitty brain of hers, as she can sit and watch that scene for 10 or 15 minutes without moving.

CoCo spends most of her time in the apartment, although once in a while she’ll go into the hall, but never when there is another person out there. She is getting friendlier with visitors, she always likes it when I come over or Lois’ sister “Aunt Marg”, although I kiddingly told Marg that she “buys” CoCo’s affection by bringing her treats 😉. She is very popular with Lois’ neighbours, (as is Marg 😉)!

CoCo has a number of “pet names”, and yes, I appreciate the irony. For example, I call her “Fluffy McSquirrel” because of her tail. Lois calls her “CoCo pops”, int al c). She’s a real blessing, good company for Lois and I’m very pleased about that.

I know you’re thinking “8 paragraphs in and no mention of ‘Operation Litterlift’. What’s that all about?” Well, you asked for it…………..

CoCo is a cat. Unlike, for example, paperweights, cats produce organic waste. It is possible to train a cat to use a litter box. (It is apparently also possible to train a cat to use the toilet! In a semi related point, I once had a cat named Phantom, who urinated in one of my bowling shoes, although whether he was simply caught short or sincerely wanted to express his opinion of my bowling prowess, I’m not sure and will never know, as he refused to talk to me about the incident!)

Lois has a litter box at her place. I always change the litter for her, as it’s easier for me to get down to the subject at hand. It’s fine to change the litter, but you need fresh litter to replace the ermm “used” litter.

Time for a brief backgrounder on kitty litter. Kitty litter is bulky, heavy and awkward to carry. It is impossible to carry a big box of kitty litter and anything else at the same time, there is just no way that this event could occur. It is also very conspicuous, difficult to hide under your coat.

Lois has difficulty carrying heavier objects. As I knew that she needed kitty litter, and as I had several extra boxes of the stuff at “Chez Montreuil”, I phoned her and promised her that I Would Bring Her A Box Of Kitty Litter d). (Of course, we all know the old saw about “the road to Hell and good intentions.” Sadly, that slipped my mind at the time.) So I put down the phone, picked up the article in question and headed out the door. The 18 kgs of kitty litter were no great burden to me, as I walked to the bus stop. Bus came, I got on, smooth sailing to the subway. It was a little awkward carrying it down the stairs to the platform, and I got some curious looks from people on the train. I put the box on the floor beside me, pointed at the label and said “It’s kitty litter.” That seemed to satisfy all but the most curious of them.

Upon arrival at the Bay Station, I picked the bright yellow box up and left the train. Escalator to the lower floor, then a flight of stairs upward to the street. When I stepped out of the station, I noticed something strange. Somehow the box had become massively heavier!

I must have presented quite a sight stumbling through Yorkville, hunched over a swinging box of kitty litter. I probably looked like the tanker “Ohio”, limping into Valetta harbour e). By some miracle, I crawled into my beloved’s apartment with the now precious box, collapsed on a chair and took 3 days to catch my breath, or so it seemed. When I recovered, I changed the litter. CoCo supervised from a distance, and then, as cats usually do, ran her own Quality Assurance test. Apparently I had performed to her satisfaction.

I needed a “cunning plan”, as it would literally kill me to carry any more full boxes across Toronto, and this box had been the lightest! Thus was “Operation Litterlift” hatched. In future, I would download part of a box of litter into a bag and then put that bag in my re useable bag, thus to transport it to Lois’ apartment. Of course, I had to “doublebag” the litter before putting it into my re usable bag, as should the litter bag suffer structural failure in transit, the results could be disastrous. I was able to successfully complete this project over several trips. Lather, rinse and repeat

So I succeeded in meeting Lois’ temporary short fall in kitty litter. I have to laugh, thinking about how I’d taken flowers, a movie, a bottle of wine or whatever to Lois’ apartment to display my love for her, and now I was doing it with kitty litter. Isn’t Love strange???

[On the advice of our legal department, I have been directed to add in print that we at DBAWIS assume no responsibility for any bad outcomes which may result should you try to show your beloved how important they are to you by bringing them an unsolicited bag of kitty litter.]

See you soon.

1. a) Pittsburgh Pirate shortstop of the 70’s whose hitting was suspect.
2. b) I really do have to “Put that seat down” at Lois’
3. c) More Latin, means “among other things”, part of a list
4. d) I sounded pretty sincere, ehh?
5. e) A tanker badly damaged during “Operation Pedestal”. Urgently needed in Malta, it was lashed to other ships so it could complete the journey.

=PJM=

A confirmed Cat person, Peter dabbled with being a water boy, a paper boy and an altar boy before finally settling on a career with the Canadian federal government.  Once, in his youth, he ate a Dutch  oven full of mashed potatoes to win a 5 cent bet with his beloved sister Mary’s boyfriend. (Of course he was much younger and a nickel went a lot farther!) He has retired to palatial “Chez Montreuil”, which he shares with his diabetic little buddy Reg the Cat. He is blessed to have his dear Lois in his life. He is not only a plastic aircraft modeller, but a proud “rivet counter”. Military aviation and live music are among other interests of his, and he tries to get out to as many shows as he can. He will be here for your enlightenment whenever the stars align. Profile photo courtesy of Pat Blythe, caricature courtesy of Peter Mossman.