Robert Cronkite Presents The News of the Whirled

EDITORIAL

I hope I don’t come across as being an alarmist, but has anyone else noticed that everything seems to be so fucked up on this mudball right now, that it can’t possibly be happening.

I mean really.

This can NOT be happening.

The world in which we live in (Thank you, Paul) is going through an odd, disconnected from reality, square dance.

Could this be…AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE IN ANOTHER DIMENSION???

Or are we collectively the dumbest, childish, most self-absorbed, delusional, insecure, undereducated, barely literate, bigoted, apathetic, species in the entire known universe?

Maybe if we look at this logically.  Hmmm…Awww, what the hell.

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Let’s Look at This Logically.

There are more plot holes in this current reality of ours than in the last 12 movies from Michael Bay, Christopher Nolan,  and Josh Whedon.

Who can tell the difference between Fake News and Real News? How?

Why do we feel the necessity  to make up stories about the current President when there is enough damning evidence in REAL LIFE to tar and feather the guy about a zillion times. Why do we believe the insane conspiracy theories and just plain silly nonsense when it is so easy to see if they are true or not with a computer/phone/tablet/or smart-ass sibling who went on to University and became a well known  academic, while you lived in your parents basement, started a band, and occasionally delivered pizzas to keep the bong fed), one finger… and your desire to know the truth, or do we even have THAT anymore?

Seriously, does ANYONE give a front row ticket to the next Drake/Pitbull concert at your local Corporate named Stadium about the truth anymore? Are we so numb that we have just thrown our jazz hands in the air and muttered “Uncle?”

I Can’t HEAR You!

Are we going to allow this fraction of  humanity to enable and entitle the weakest, least-informed, least educated, and frightened part of the population, and USE them to increase their power, control, and wealth?Are we going to let the tiniest fraction of  humanity lead us down a road that ends in the sand of Mad Max: Fury Road?

You tell me, Mr. and Mrs. Billions of Earth People.

So far, we have been sitting on our hands, staring at our phones, and walking the walk and talking the enlightened, caring, and compassionate talk, (if Social Media is to be believed), while a few angry ‘men’ bring the anger and frustration bubbling to the surface in a portion of the population that are unhappy with their lot in life, but have been blaming the wrong things and people for their problems…when in fact, the REAL instigators of the rise of poverty and fall of the middle class…are the very people put in place to make life GREAT again.

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

All I am saying is, if a SCRIPT containing as many unanswered questions as our current REALITY,  was handed to the Studio/Decision Makers, they would shake their heads and demand a re-write.

And THAT is EXACTLY what we need to do.  Rewrite this Motherfucker. All of us…because even though the crazy voices are coming from one country, (The UN-UNITED STATE of AMERICA), those crazy voices are being heard by the vulnerable around the World.

The same vulnerable people making this REALITY…UNREAL close to home…and they are reacting in exactly the same fashion where they live

And that is exactly what  being a bigoted, angry, frustrated, actively crude, violent, and disrespecting individual has become….Fashionable.

But enough of this weary, boring, repetitious reminder that billions who have Common Sense, Compassion, Diplomacy, and Civility, have become buried under an avalanche of Snowflakes and Black Hearts. The Tail is Wagging the Dog , and the Dog just wants Rolling Stone tickets, or an iPhone X…or both

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SCIENCE!

*The Earth whirls around at close to 1000 Miles an Hour. Here on the surface, we are going that fast even when we’re sitting down or asleep.

*The Earth whirls around the Sun at 67,000 Miles an hour.

+That is some reallly fast whirling!

*Easily checked FACT

+My Humble Opinion

And Now….

THE NEWS OF THE WHIRLED

We’re so Dizzy, We Can’t Stand Up for Anything

HERE’S THE NEWS

Lots of Crap Going On Most Folks Don’t Like

Poverty and Hunger are at an All Time High

A Hamburger and Everything Else Costs Too Damn Much

Fossil Fuels Are Running Out and Losing Out to Alternate Forms of Energy

Climate Change is Real and Affecting Everyone and the Economy.

Plus – A Bunch of Good Things Mostly Ignored or Buried Under Bullshit Feel Good Stories

WHAT THE PUBLIC CONSIDERS NEWS AND IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO KNOW AND CARE ABOUT

Beyonce May Have a Yeast Infection

Should Non Asians Be Allowed to Eat Sushi

Woman in Idaho Demands Only Italians May Order/Eat Pizza

Right Handed White Male Postman in New Mexico Says He Has the Right to Live as a Left Handed Latino Woman Wrestler in  Hibbing Wisconsin and Identify with Vegan Mormons

Elon Musk is a Robot From the Future

OMG! Look at This Puppy!

BUSINESS/ECONOMICS

Half the World’s Wealth is controlled by the Top 1%.

(Don’t believe me, Read This, or any other reliable source. There are many.)

WHAT THE PUBLIC BELIEVES ABOUT WEALTH

They Too, Can Become Billionaires If They Work As Hard As the Billionaires They Admire

Large Corporation Fires 100s of Employees Annually, Usually Just Before Christmas.

Corporate CEO Recieves 3 Million Dollar Bonus Just Before Christmas Annually

SPORTS

Some Teams/Athletes Won Their Games Today

Some Teams/Athletes Lost Their Games Today

Some Teams/Athletes Will Win or Lose Everyday, 365 Days a Year, Every Year, World Wide,

Competitions Interrupt Your Regular Shows/Activities Because You Know Important

If They Are So Fucking Important Why Don’t They Have Their Own Channels and Networks

Most People Believe Bob’s Burgers is an Awards Show or SportsBall Game

ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT

Rock Fan Pays 2700 Dollars to Have His Picture Taken With Bon Jovi’s Pants

Painting Goes for 37,000,000 Dollars at Auction as an Investment Never to be Seen Again Unless You are Invited to the Basement Storage Room at Some Rich Guy’s House or Pay Through the Nose to See It When It Tours Museums as Part of the Pretentious Collectors Exhibit

Actual Music Can Be Found Alive and Well if You Look Hard Enough or Have a Public or Donation Driven Local Radio Station Manned by Passionate Otherwise Unemployable People Who Refuse to Give Up.

The Mystery of Pitbull and Kanye’s Popularity Continues to Baffle Music Scientists

LOCAL WEATHER

Continued Sadness With Scattered Rays of Hope, and a Cold Depression Coming In from Everywhere Which Will Continue for the Foreseeable Future. Carry Your Umbrella and a Bottle of Xanax Every Day Until Further Notice.

LEISURE/LIFESTYLE

Making the Most of Your Vacation – The Lure of Park Benches

Lifestyle Tip – Refilling Your Expensive Plastic Water Bottle with Tap Water – Full Step by step Instructions

Man Bun Pony Tail, Bald as a Baby – What’s a Modern Man to Do?

Air Golf – The Surprise Hit Pastime of the 90% New Pretend Courses Available NOW

Handing Down Handed Down Hand Me Downs – The Art of Not Being Able to Afford to Shop

What to Tell the Kids When Mr and Mrs Santa Claus’s Unemployment Insurance Runs Out This Christmas

Home – Pay the Mortgage or Spend a Week in Jamaica? Experts Advise

Just Outside the Gates to your Jamaican Resort

CLASSIFIEDS

Will Do Damn Near Anything For Food – Mike SE Steam Grate at the Corner of Elm and Sycamore

Baby – Female in Near Mint Condition Only Breast Fed 23 Times. Adorable. Answers to “Who’s a Good Baby?” Best Offer – Bonnie and Louis Parnavor Sunny Day Trailer Park 3rd Trailer from the Rusted Out ’61 Plymouth

…And THAT is the NEWS OF THE WHIRLED

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It isn’t this bad yet, my Dear Readers.

Is it?

Nah…Can’t be.

I’m Robert Cronkite

Goodnight

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Segarini’s regular columns appear here whenever anyone in Washington DC makes sense

Contact us at dbawis@rogers.com

Bob “The Iceman” Segarini was in the bands The Family Tree, Roxy, The Wackers, The Dudes, and The Segarini Band and nominated for a Juno for production in 1978. He also hosted “Late Great Movies” on CITY TV, was a producer of Much Music, and an on-air personality on CHUM FM, Q107, SIRIUS Sat/Rad’s Iceberg 95, (now 85), and now publishes, edits, and writes for DBAWIS, continues to write music, make music, and record.